SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 10:58 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I am sorry Whiskey and I understand your pain.

My husband was leaving for someone he never met. His soul mate apparently. This shows how wrapped up they become in having smoke blown up their arse. He too started to disconnect from our children. He no doubt thought he would experience never ending joy and happiness with the lovely faceless woman - free from his nasty family. (Kids who behave well, do great at school, engage in hobbies, a wife that earns more, and still picks up her share of housework, comfy life, holidays, joint interests, loving extended families etc).

I was with him for love alone. Didn’t need a husband. Didn’t care about money, or status etc. I just adored him.

I understand the feelings and chemicals and the high an affair creates. I think it’s like any other addiction. I think you describe the thought process very well with what you have written.

I disagree with the counsellor though - it’s an easy get out of jail free. I think their crappy behaviour causes them to have cognitive dissonance which causes them to feel depressed/disconnected/odd. Because most cheaters seem to display this out of character behaviour. So I don’t think it’s any time if psychotic break - it’s him being an arsehole. And being an arsehole doesn’t make you feel good. The ow is making you feel good. So you twist yourself in knots. And you chase the high.

But the devastation it causes is very real. Two years out now and my needs are no longer met . I wanted commitment, honesty and a kind husband. I enjoy his company, we have a laugh and can chat easily. I’ve gone from suicidal and almost losing the person I adored and loved so very deeply to seeing every flaw and not finding it attractive. I used to think he was beautiful.

I sometimes wonder if it had been better if he had gone at the time. I do know I can’t twist myself in knots justifying his crappy behaviour as I value myself more than that. Shame my husband didn’t respect himself more.

I will say it stops being your first thought of the day. It’s happened for me. The other day it didn’t enter my head for 3 hours - I shocked myself. But I don’t see him the same.

But I think it’s, in part, to stop the cognitive dissonance - that is why they leave quickly. Plus they are chasing the high.

All the best whiskey. I was on the floor too.

I’m sorry you had to suffer through the affair, his leaving, etc.

My H was D me to be with his much younger Other Woman (Ow).

I feel we had similar experiences in that we both watched our H become someone or something else.

My H was cold and mean and horrific to me during his affair. In his mind I stood in his way of his true happiness He blamed me for his unhappiness and a whole slew of other things. He harbored resentment over things I thought we had resolved snd moved past - some 15 years prior.

My H never actually left but he kept telling me for 6 months he wanted a D. Finally when I found out he was still cheating and I was working my butt off to R — I’d had enough. I told him I was now D him and he was free to be with the other woman.

Suddenly how he no longer wants to be with her. But for me it was just too late. I was done. I didn’t care what he wanted. I had to put myself first.

I don’t think your H had a psychotic break - I think his selfishness gave him the opportunity to make the choice he did. He told himself he deserved to be happy no matter what. And he decided to act on it.

In my H’s case it was a typical midlife crisis affair. He was also the knight in shining armor to his drama Queen OW.

I hope you can restore your sense of security in your marriage. I’m 11 years from Dday and I know I have some trauma from my H’s affair. I always have an exit plan just in case, I tend to hoard $ b/c he was leaving me in a very bad financial position at the time of his affair and I cannot live with debt. It makes me anxious lol.

I hope you can R and be happy. We are one of the lucky ones b/c we are happy. But it’s not the sane marriage and you won’t be the same wife.

So so sorry, Whiskey.

If the only reason that these therapists gave for saying it was a psychotic break is the behavior seems so out of character, neither one of them must have experience with infidelity because what your husband did has been told over and over here. That does nothing to diminish the awfulness and destruction of it in your life. But you laid out a clear path from A to B, of him pursuing OW in sound mind, doing the typical resentment and history rewriting bullshit. He worked himself in so deep that he wanted that more than he wanted his wife and kids. I see nothing psychotic about that, just immensely fucking immoral. I just can’t believe that you could rebuild a solid relationship with that weak explanation in the mix. Just my thoughts, so sorry for your pain.

I agree InkHulk.

The counselor here is not helping. Not addressing the elephant in the room so to speak.

The cheater was having a very selfish time and talked himself into believing it was OK to do what he did. Period.

Hi Whiskey,
I’m a fBW. And yes, my husband left me for his AP on d-day.

They lived together as a couple for three months and during that time I considered us separated. My adult children were disgusted at his behaviour.
MY oldest threatened him should he treat me unfairly in the division of our assets. Etc.

Of course, like in your life, my husband realized his « mistake » and asked me to please have him back with apologies and promises.
This was not a mistake. He knew what he was doing. His was a LTA and he had all this time to figure things out.

I was the one who was totally blindsided. I almost had a nervous breakdown the first week. No sleep, no appetite, no nothing. My daughter found me a therapist, my son found me a lawyer and I got help and surrounded myself with good people.

It has been five full years since I took him back. To this day I don’t understand how he could have acted the way he did. But I do believe that at that time he hated the idea of his marriage, his life, so he was more than ready to leap into the arms of his AP. The newness, excitement was enticing.

It was not me he hated, it was the life he was living unhappy, miserable, a functional alcoholic. I felt as if I was just another piece of furniture to be pushed around to suit his lifestyle.

Well the new union did not last. His personal issues just followed him to the AP’s home where he was living. And to this day, he cannot or will not explain why he abandoned me. His abrupt leaving me cut me up more than him admitting to the affair.

I have patience. The right time will come when he will explain. Today is not that time.
Meanwhile, I have a good life.

I understand what you are dealing with. We BS’s need so much resilience and perseverance..

Not a psychotic break. This is common ws behavior.

I had an exit affair, not to be with the AP…but for the reason the above poster cited. I saw marriage as something I no longer wanted to deal with. This was based on my own distorted thoughts and lack of accountability more than anything else.

Here is what I think though, I think affairs are addictive just like gambling or shopping addictions. I use those most frequently as examples because they are all addictions to big adrenaline rushs/high amounts of dopamine. It’s a decision to start any of these things so I am not saying this wasn’t a direct result of the series of decisions he had made.

But, if you realize that people will destroy thier marriage, families, and homes over addictions, it is a bit easier to see.

Infidelity is by far more personal and painful in a different way than that. Because you feel discarded for reasons related to you. Reality is you were always the prize as marine wrote recently. It was that he didn’t feel good enough and he chose to escape instead of making much needed changes to himself. He blamed his unhappiness or happiness on other people when in reality that’s his responsibility to manage.

But if you have been touched in your life by someone who is an addict, and you see them out destroying their life based on these distorted thoughts and feelings, it’s no different for a ws in an active limerence affair. It doesn’t make what he did right or less painful. And it’s likely caused deeper pain than other addictions that I am comparing it with.

My addiction in hindsight was to the escapism. The relief from my unhappiness. But other people don’t make you unhappy or happy, they enhance your life or they take energy from it. (I mean if someone cheats on you that’s trauma and that’s different than happy/unhappy. For non -traumatic stuff people don’t really dictate our feelings. So his feelings were a choice, that choice led him into an addiction)

I think what the therapist senses is that the wheel got away from him. But suggesting a psychotic break kind of negates the idea that he has to gain full accountability. Because addicts do need to have that accountability. In many ways, I have noticed my recovery closely resembles things they teach in a 12 step program.

But it hurts he discarded you and your children, it feels like he chose someone else over you. He did, but it wasn’t the ap he chose it was himself and his escapism. Which probably became very obvious to him that week he was gone. He could no longer pretend she was who he was projecting her to be in this escape.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:07 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Give yourself a break, WB.

You have to accept that he left. You don't have to accept him back. Free yourself from thoughts about what others tell you that you should do and should want. What do you want?

My W was not the person I thought she was. I can't describe how big a disappointment that was and still is, in a way. For me, I guess she was enough of who I thought she was to R.

My bet is that your H ran away from himself, not form you, not from the kids. Assume that's right. How does it affect your thoughts and feelings?

I've always thought my W's A was a symptom of a sickness in her. That triggered my 'sickness and health' response. Others have responded differently - the cheating makes the vow inoperative.

Abandoning you was a big deal. TBH, one of my thoughts is that he may have left your kids better off with only you around; one good parent may be better than one good parent and one lousy parent living together. But what are your thoughts?

I guess my point is that R is a mixed bag. It's always the result of some sort of calculation of hurts and the probability of future joy. There's no one size that fits all.

A 2nd point is that you have to choose, but isn't it great that you have the power to choose?

A 3rd is: you're OK whatever you choose, as long as you act in your own best interest.

A final point is that you are not even close to crazy. Again, abandoning you is a very big deal. It is the very opposite of what you signed up for. Your H recognized some of his horrible behavior. None of us will argue with you if you continue R. None of us will argue with you if you don't.

I'm sorry Whiskey - you deserve so much better than this. I haven't experienced what you experienced so I wont pretend to know how it feels or how to cope with it (I will leave this to those who have experienced it), but my heart goes out to you.

But like.....

In the first few weeks of the A, they both literally pretended the kids and I didn't exist. He says it was easier for him that way. He could pretend he was single, and she could pretend she was not sleeping with a married father of two.

However, the day she finally brought up the elephant in the room, he says the reality hit him like a tonne of bricks. He says things between them became awkward and stilted and his two worlds were clashing. He started to feel angrier towards me, for getting in the way of his new found happiness. As he felt things between them had changed because things had become more real, he started to panic, as that high had been dampened. So he says he threw himself even more into the A (as he felt he must've done this for a reason - his words not mine). After another week, he basically concluded that the reason that things between him and the AP had turned slightly awkward and didn't feel the same was because I was standing in the way. He felt the only way to get that feeling back with AP, was to leave me. Wow. Just writing that, makes me feel so pathetic and pointless.

he immediately started to justify it in his mind by completely rewriting our marital history. Every minor issue he felt we had, he blew up in his mind as insurmountable difference

s.
I've got to say that this has to be one of the better, more succinct descriptions of compartmentalization/mental gymnastics/affair fog fuckery that I've read. He literally hit all the textbook examples. He needed to be the hero/good guy of his story so badly, that he rewrote the marital history. He literally had to pretend you (and his children!) didn't exist in order to remain in the fog where the unicorn fairy dust that boosted his (fragile) ego was plentiful. But then once he got what he "wanted" and it actually became real, he realized it wasn't what he really wanted and felt immediate regret. But then in order to justify the whole blowing his life up for no reason part, he had to again paint you as the villain who was trying to interfere with his happiness.

Without letting him off the hook one little bit for a single minute, I agree that he doesn't sound like someone who was acting with a sound mind. Again, I don't think he had a legitimate mental break or anything, but like, that doesn't sound like the logic of a grown up does it? Affair logic is truly wild.

And you are an innocent victim in it all and I can see why you're struggling. Being treated like this by someone you love and have built a life around is traumatic and you have experienced trauma. Being treated like a disposable paper plate, is going to make you FEEL like garbage. I get that part. My husband risked our marriage and our life together for someone he didn't even love - someone he knew he didn't want to be with. And I struggled with feeling devalued too, because part of me feels like I could understand better that he'd be willing to risk it all for someone "important". But just because it feels that way, doesn't make it true. It is not true. A diamond is a diamond whether it's polished and set in gold or whether its hidden in a chunk of coal in a cave. Your value is not determined by the actions/beliefs of others. It just isn't. Do not allow the actions of a person who clearly wasn't acting in a sane and rational manner to make you feel lesser than.

You're obviously not required to stay with him but regardless of what you decide to do, working on this will obviously be part of your work in healing.