SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not humble. I am arrogant, egotistical and a narcissist that always thinks I am right, better and justified, therefore I am defensive, not empathetic, abusive, controlling and manipulative. All this because I maintain a delusional positive image of myself to cover up a fragile self-image and the cowardly unwillingness to be vulnerable. I have not had the courage to lose my arrogant ego that is stopping me from making any moral progress, and continue to hurt and abuse my betrayed spouse and any progress between us.

If any of you WS’s out there are similar and have made progress, would you care to share how and what has worked for you to be a better person? Any BS’s out there who have been on the receiving end of this abuse that can share your thoughts as well? I imagine most will respond with "are you in IC?" I am not...avoided it because I am a coward and narcissist. Trying again with my first appointment with an new therapist this week...but I have been here before. Perhaps I'll man up this time and be honest and accept help.

I don’t have any advice, but as a betrayed spouse I want to warn you that for me, my husband needed to regain trust not for the obvious of no more cheating, but more importantly, demonstrate I can trust he has normal loving emotions. Narcissism, controlling, abusive behavior does not suggest "I love you and want to be better". Whether you cheat again or not your wife deserves a partner with healthy and pure feelings of love. I do think IC will help you determine whether that’s even possible for you.

I imagine most will respond with "are you in IC?"

And wisely so, as it is the best advice possible. To be fair, it is rare for a narc to be able to recognize and/or admit they are a narc, and even more rare for them to seek help for it. So you are already ahead of the curve, give yourself some credit for that. You also took the step of not only publically admitting your faults, while also setting up some accountability for yourself, and that shows some dedication (or at least hopes of dedication, which is still a positive). As lame as it may sound, positive self-talk is absolutely crucial right now. The message in your head needs to change from "I'll probably fuck up and not go get help" to "I will destroy the MF that tries to stop me from getting to that appointment". Only you can do that. So do it. Starting right now, today, every time you think about seeing that IC, make sure to follow up with the thought that nothing is more important, and nothing is going to stop you from getting better. Today is the last damn day you stop being your own victim, your own tormentor, and the person you like least in life. You had some heavy shit laid on your to get here (either that, or no one cared at all, which is equally hurtful) and there are no ruby slippers that make that go away. It takes a lot of work, and courage, to move forward. But you've got that. Took more effort and risk to have an affair than it takes to go see an IC, so remember that as well. You can do anything you set your mind to, be that for good or ill.

So, what day and time is this appointment? Just asking for purposes of accountability. :)

I am a BS and my husband is a bit like you. Well, I would say was.

He really worked hard on it by himself and I am sure if he had seen a therapist he would have had even better outcomes.

At times he falls in the loop again but since D-Day he is more able to admit his responsibilities and genuinely apologises.

He probably had to see me in a complete wreck, completely destroyed by his selfish actions and had to risk losing everything we had created together.

GET HELP BY A PROFESSIONAL. If you are WILLING to change, you will. Nothing is impossible. But there is no magic, just HARD WORK.

To be fair, it is rare for a narc to be able to recognize and/or admit they are a narc, and even more rare for them to seek help for it. So you are already ahead of the curve, give yourself some credit for that.

To be honest don’t give yourself a diagnosis. Most people have SOME narcissistic traits but that doesn’t mean they have a narcissistic personality. Admitting lots of the things you observed is for me already a sign you are not a narcissist. That is a label. Be open minded to change and that is in my opinion the most important thing.

Wantstorepair, first of, very good on you to be able to admit your shortcomings. That’s a huge first step. As a BS who just last night decided to throw in the towel, I can tell you that if you value your relationship with your own BS and her well being, then get out of your comfort zone and do the work. My wife has fought the concept that there is anything wrong with her from the beginning. Show your partner that you are working to improve yourself because words mean nothing to most BS’s. You can’t just do nice things for your spouse and expect that those actions will heal the damage. We need to see actual meaningful progress. Best of luck to you and your BS.

DaddyDom,

Had 1st session on 10/9 and second one today. Therapist seems like someone that can help me make better choices. One thing I am not comfortable with is the ANT - Automatic Negative Talk, that he is trying to get me to stop and realize is keeping from acting better and focusing on others. I have lived an awful life and made terrible choices that hurt people...the ANT is there because that is who I am as my actions have born out. To counter the ANT he suggests thinking them through as to why they are false and therefore wrong. That seems like trying to give myself partial credit and not own who I am and how I act. Does anyone have insight into this? I don't want to self-flagellate and woe is poor me the bad person, but how do I declare these negative thoughts okay when in fact they are not? I get the premise of being able to stop focusing on me so I can focus on others and acting better yet I feel like I am missing something of this CBT tactic.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 1:58 AM, Thursday, October 17th]

Negative self talk, while painful and damaging, can also be helpful and useful. It really depends on your outlook and approach.

how do I declare these negative thoughts okay when in fact they are not?

You are correct, the things you did and thoughts you had at the time will never, ever be "okay". But that's not what you're trying to accomplish here. You don't have to like or appreciate your worst thoughts and deeds (and I'd be terribly frightend if someone did manage to do so) but you do need to find a way to accept them as a reality that you cannot change, and moreover, you must not allow your mistakes to define you. It is common for a WS to begin defining themselves, to themselves, as cheaters, liars, betrayers. The thing is, that is not the entirety of who you are. Also, you need to understand that who you are, and what value you bring to this world, is largely if not entirely up to you to define, and to live.

You are ALREADY a better person today than you were when you were cheating. You are actively and purposefully working on becoming a better person. You are working on being more empathetic and caring. You are working on being an honest person, and showing your vulnerability. You've sought help, both here on SI, and via a licensed therapist. I assume a great many other things have chaged as well, perhaps your job, your friends, even family. And doing all that even when things at home are stressed, and yet you still find the energy and drive to keep working on it... that is the mark of someone who will succeed in being a better person.

So my long winded answer is, the way you learn to accept the things that have taken place, and then let them be part of your story. Not your proudest moments, no, but still, it is the truth, and it is your history. That history got you to where you are today, and it will still be part of your story 20+ years from now. Since it's in the past and you can't change it, that simply means that you don't need to expend work trying to do the impossible. You cannot make it go away. But you can be a better person moving forward. The very best way in the world to show how very sorry you really are is to take full culpability, and then take steps to become a better person. No one, not even the people you hurt, want to see you fail. For most BS's and family members, what they want to see is that you learned something from what you did, and grew from it. Because, until you do, let's be honest... you are still dangerous to your spouse. And they will continue to see you as dangerous, until you've proven to them that you are not. That is what you are working on now.

That seems like trying to give myself partial credit and not own who I am and how I act.

Not at all, I would agree with your therapist on this point. (I am NOT a therapist). This part takes some real courage and effort. In order to be a better person, you must first understand yourself, deeply. The things you did... why did you do them? What do you think led up to you being a person who cheated and allowed it to happen. If I went back in time and asked 5 year old you if he thought he'd grow up to be a cheater one day, what would he say? I doubt that was the plan at 5. So what happened? What made you desire someone else, what need did they fill for you, why did you have that need, and why did you not respect yourself enough to not let it happen in the first place? If you can't answer these questions then that simply means they will happen again, because nothing changes when nothing changes. So take your time, work with your IC, don't rush things, and yes, give yourself a little credit. Even if it's a pinch worth. Yeah, you fucked up. But that's over now. And the new plan needs to be the new and improved you 2.0.