Your response — as uncomfortable as it is — is very, very normal. It takes a while, it a takes many actions by your WS to start to feel some level of ‘safe’ again.
I hated, hated checking my wife’s phone.
It turned out to be helpful. Some of her standard responses in work emails and texts showed her boundaries still needed work, despite all of the other things she was trying to change.
It’s been five years, maybe a bit longer since I have asked to check my wife’s phone, and I’m glad.
At some point, I learned to trust my response if anything did go wrong, I stopped worrying about whether the M would make it. And my wife kept working hard and the give a little trust, get a little, was a painfully slow path back, but we got there.
I don’t play detective anymore, and my wife, to this day, goes out of her way to keep me updated on her schedule.
However, those first few years, I understood my brain was trying to protect me the best it could. For me, early on, there was no such thing as an overreaction, I was still in flight or fight mode. Infidelity is serious trauma.
Be patient with yourself, best you can.