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I’m struggling lately with how much to keep talking about the infidelity. We’re coming up to 8 months after DDay, he’s started putting in the work and I’m acknowledging that (cautiously), but I am noticing that now that things are settled a little and ‘okay’ I’m finding it harder to bring up when I’m sad or triggered.

I posted last week about so many triggers while we were out that I intended to talk to him about it the next day, but after I had pulled myself together we had a good night and then the next day it seemed pointless almost? Like we had a good night, why ruin it now? But then I’m torn because there were a couple things on my mind and I felt he hadn’t been empathic/understanding enough about one thing in particular so I should talk to him about that right?

It feels tiring to ruin the calmness that’s been long missed by bringing it all up again.
Do you tell your WS every time you face a trigger or are upset over something or just having a bad day with it all?

I was thinking of suggesting like an allocated time once a week where we talk about it because I feel like we should still be talking about it. He does talk about it any time I want to and calmly, but I know it sends him on a shame spiral and I feel like there might be only so much of that a person can take. I know this is all his fault, but is it productive to keep talking about it so much?

One thing in particular that’s getting to me is that we are still being intimate and I am usually fine with that during (and if I’m not okay during then I say and we stop) but immediately afterwards, I just get really sad? Even if I initiate it. I don’t know what the solution to that is.

I guess I’m stuck on how much work I need to do by myself and how much of it should be done together maybe. Like the fact that I’ve become obsessed again with checking AP’s instagram and comparing myself to her (i know I shouldn’t but it’s become a habit again), and obviously that’s very triggering. But I’m doing that to myself, there’s nothing he can do there right?

I asked him to stop talking to me about his job while he’s still in this band and he agreed but looked really upset about it. Even though he’s looking for other work and leaving soon, I find I’m more triggered by it than ever. Possibly because until he actually leaves, I’m not 100% certain he’ll follow through. But it’s a tribute band to a very famous band and I can’t even hear that bands name without spiralling which is not ideal obviously.

I don’t know how to manage all the triggers that seem to be coming at me lately, or how much of dealing with it is on him, and how much of it is on me.

We talked about the 2010 A this morning, 14 years later. IOW, I think successful R allows ALL topics of conversation, and I think a remorseful WS will talk about the A whenever the BS wants to talk about it.

I also think successful R requires a lot of issue resolution. You're sad after sex. That strikes me as a problem, and I think you can solve it if you bring it up. The triggers are painful. Sharing them may get you some good support.

8 months is nothing in the context of one's life. If you're average, you've got decades of life ahead of you. 8 months isn't much in the context of recovery or R either - think 2-5 years for recovery, maybe longer for R.

My reco is to bring up issues. Limiting dealing with the A to specific times works for some people, and it might work for you. It didn't for me, which means it didn't for my W, either. Anything that helps you bring up issues in a way that invites resolution is good, IMO.

A couple of things:

- every time you recognize an issue and make a conscious choice about how to deal with it is positive for R. Every time you dodge an issue is negative for R.

- every time you bring up an issue, and your WS works with you to resolve the issue is positive for R. Every time your WS dodges is negative for R.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:59 PM, Monday, October 21st]

My position is that if there is something on your mind then say it regardless if it makes him/her feel ashamed. He/she should feel bad for cheating.

I have told my wife that my words are hurtful but I don't say them just to hurt her. When I feel like saying (again) that your months of lying by letting me falsely believe all was good between us is the hardest part of the affair, I say it. When I feel like saying I just cannot understand how you could lie to my face three times when I confronted you, I say it.

She sits and listens. She doesn't try to minimize or protest or deflect (any longer). She doesn't have to listen. She could walk away. I don't know how long I will feel the need to express these types of feelings but her actions caused this so the consequence is she gets to feel shame and guilt when I vent.

The day may come when she decides enough is enough. So be it. If she decides to leave, okay, she always has/had that option.

I say vent every time. Repressing things is not hea

There is a difference in sharing triggers and discussing it vs weaponizing it. Early on everything reminded me of it and I would trigger. I blamed every hurdle in life on infidelity, car breaks down, it’s because she cheated.

As time goes on, 2nd year, it will be more rational conversations about it. 8 months is still raw, you will find yourself enjoying a moment with him and suddenly think "how tf could you do this?".