SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been nearly 8 years and I just can’t get over it. I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about what he did. Some days are easier than others and on the whole I live my life but it is always there. I think a lot of the problem is the lack of effort he put in to himself following the A. Lots of circumstances and factors became bigger than the A and I codependently put his needs before mine. Admittedly he did have a lot to deal with as his family turned against him and his sister died and it seemed to take over. I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too. He is completely avoidant and will do as little as possible when it comes to feelings and emotions. He is so deeply in his shame if I ever bring something up that triggers him he becomes mute. He offers nothing. He may say something if it is going to cause him stress for instance having to go explain why I don’t attend a gathering, he would rather I go and push my feelings down than he be honest and face the shame of my reasons.
I have told him how I feel, I have told him I feel like I put myself on the back burner to support him and his needs and now he has reconciled with his family my feelings are coming up thick and fast. I went back in to therapy to try and get over it but the anger and resentment that I have towards the lack of effort he is putting in is highlighted when I work on myself. He has said he will get some help but I just don’t know if it’s too late. I just don’t know what to do.

Positive, I just want to tell you that I understand you completely.

Sadly, I have no advice to give.

Sending safe hugs and healing thoughts/ vibes.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:52 PM, Monday, October 21st]

Dorothy123

Thank you so much, having a place to bring this really helps ❤️

I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too.

As someone who suffered from in-laws from Hell, I completely understand this mindset. You don't want to let his family "win."

But consider the fact that your in-laws might be right... not about you as a person, but you as a partner for their son.

Just as a gem doesn't belong in a trash heap, you don't belong with him and his family.

The sooner you get out-- and rid yourself of toxicity-- the sooner your actual healing will start.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:59 PM, Monday, October 21st]

Thank you Bluerthanblue,

I have for many years wondered if the problems/hurdles/difficulties are in fact signs that I keep on ignoring.
I’m not sure what keeps me here, maybe the codependency of his feelings, maybe the hassle of splitting up, maybe the fear of being alone, I haven’t yet worked it out.
One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.

One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.

That's exactly when I knew my M was over and left YEARS after final D-Day.