SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to sound like a thought loop, so I guess I just have to break out of it, but any advice appreciated.

Backstory is my husband cheated with his secretary and waited 8 years to come clean. Three years ago was the REAL d-day although there had been clear betrayal back in 2015 when he took months to get rid of this woman that he was clearly being inappropriate with. These events triggered massive childhood trauma wherein my Grandfather had cheated on and left my grandmother for his secretary and moved off to another state and my father cheated on my mother with a support staff and moved out on us and went and lived with her for several months in a different state when I was 13. He would disappear for days at a time after promising to return home. Eventually they "reconciled" and he returned. Last year they were in their 80s and my mother had him in an ice freeze for decades.

When my husband cheated I kind of turned on my dad though we were close. He was an empathic kind of a guy and seemed remorseful. But, he also had impulse control issues and seemed to imply he may have remet his AP in California (we live on east coast) only to find that she was nothing like what he had thought and realized how very much he loved my mom and regretted his action. He was in CA for other reasons and it sounded like a closure coffee kind of situation (not that it was okay in my view). I did a soft no contact with him the last 3 years of his life, where I celebrated holidays as a family but would not get together with him. It was just too raw with my husband’s disclosure.

Fast forward he died last summer. My mother acted the grieving widow, but it had become clear in at least the last 3-5 years she was carrying on with her bridge partner (can’t make this stuff up). What is worse the man in question was married and separated from his wife after their child died of overdose in 2016. This poor woman (maybe?) trying to grieve losing her son while my mother and her husband carry on. It smacks of cruelty though I don’t know the details (much of it s online). My mother comes to me last weekend with her joyful new that her married boyfriend (apparently they have been actively divorcing for 10 years) is moving in with her. She is 83 and he is 71.

I spoke with my brother who gaslighted me about what a great thing this is. This is also my mother’s sentiment. Is it a great thing? My mom has been lying to me by whopping omission for years, allowing me to be her White Knight against my dad while he died of COPD and heart failure. Was she really helping him to live or just hoping he would kick the bucket. Also when I have been going to her at times in the last 3-8 years about my upset over husband’s infidelity she would say things like "you get so upset over the stuff…". Now it all makes sense. She was doing the very same thing.

I’m upset. I guess I’ll get over it, but I feel I’m being forced to act all happy about this guy making my dad a cuckold behind his back at his weakest moment. Yes, he did cheat 40 years ago. Is that enough of an excuse. It feels sort of crummy and I am perseverating about it.

I guess it is not my business in a way. But, some part of me relies on the idea that my daughters would stand up for me if my husband hurt me again. I thought children stood up for the aggrieved party. In my parents case I no longer know who the aggrieved party is. And do I really need to socialize and have Holidays with my mom’s AP? (Who is actually still married, apparently final divorce should go through this month). What a mess.

Still confused,

I remember reading your posts shortly after DD and being so relieved that I’d finally found someone similar to me, your words over the past 9 months have helped me a lot so I’m going to try my best here.

My Parents are divorced, my mother had an A with someone half my father’s age and left, I have not seen her for 26 yrs, my father met someone else, never married her but after 20 yrs he found out she’d spent all his life savings- everything - gone!. He kicked her out and she dropped dead 2 weeks later - heart attack.

When I look back at both my parents I’m astounded I came from them, my opinion is my mother is a selfish POS with a swinging brick where her heart should be and my father is dumb, both of them seriously lack intelligence and were very cruel and abusive to my brothers and I as children. They are who they are though, I used to get upset and angry when people would talk about my parents or if my brothers would talk about our childhood, then later in life I’d feel ashamed or embarrassed by them but now as I’ve gotten older I realise that they are who they are, I don’t feel anything because they chose what they wanted in their life, they decided what and who they wanted to be and there’s nothing I can do about it, it doesn’t reflect on me.

I do sometimes wince at the thought ‘oh gosh I married my mother’ but I know deep inside I didn’t, that’s just me hanging trauma up and trying to decorate with it.

If my father chose to get a new partner now I’d be upset because I’d want to protect him, nobody wants their parents to look like fools, but when all said and done it’s his life and he gets to choose what to do with it, weather I like it of not doesn’t matter, not my circus.

Having said all this my heart does go out to you because it’s painful and difficult I know but I guess that just proves that you don’t have a swinging brick where your heart should be.

Sending you hugs Stillconfused.

I would strive at making other people’s behaviors and actions – especially in the past – NOT impact MY recovery.

Frankly – based solely on what you share – it sounds like your parents got back together but didn’t reconcile. After all – why else place reconcile in brackets? Unfortunately, that’s what too many couples do, often hide behind excuses such as remaining together for the kids or whatever. Doesn’t sound like they had a "normal" married life and maybe had learned to accept – directly or implied – each other’s deviations from normal marital expectations.
The Bridge partner? Addiction really impacts a marriage. We don’t know what struggles through the years this couple went through dealing with son’s addiction. The mother alone didn’t lose a son, but so did he.
I’m not condoning infidelity and I truly 100% think that if their relationship (beyond and acceptable friendship) was started before the death or before the separation then it is totally 100% immoral and wrong.

But I won’t judge him for leaving his marriage.

Would you be happier in your recovery if your family would ostracize your mom?
Would it have been better had she divorced your already ill dad to be with her lover?

Don’t mean to sound harsh but I truly think your best path forwards is to accept several things:
Your happiness and your progress is based on you and what you do. You also get to chose how the actions of others impacts you on your path.

It’s clear both your mom and dad were flawed people. That’s OK. We are all flawed in some ways. But if we accept they were flawed we no longer expect or demand perfection.
It’s also clear that your mom as a sounding or vent board for marital issues is a bit like asking Willie the Coyote for tips on how to catch the Road Runner. Not likely to work.

If you really think your mom counted the days to your dads death, and then faked mourning him... well... I would stay away from her.
But if you want to keep a relationship with her... then accept she’s flawed and work from there.

What a mess indeed. I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of it.

I think your anger and resentment at your parents (and your brother) is entirely justifiable. You say "I feel I’m being forced to act all happy about this," and I wonder if that's the root of the problem. I really struggle with "faking it" about anything interpersonal after being cheated on.

Why do you believe that you have to fake positivity about your mom's boyfriend and their secret behavior? What might happen if you tell your mother and brother that you are unhappy with her choices? As for holidays and such, what if you show up and honestly and calmly tell the new guy that he's starting off on the wrong foot with you and he will have to earn your good favor if he cares to.

Not to get too philosophical and off topic, but I often wonder how many of society's problems stem from people not being able to express when something upsets them and the work through it, especially women.