SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A warning that is often offered here at SI, probably more than anything else, is that a betrayed spouse must first take care of themselves. Once that has occurred then it is the time to either choose to divorce or reconcile.

I am 72 years old dang it and unbelievably, 32 years into reconciling, and in all honesty, that is the 1st time that concept has been presented to me as a crucial step in infidelity recovery. And I would like to submit that that goes for both the betrayed and the betrayer. I am aware that my initial reaction the night my wife disclosed was I needed to take care 1st was, not me, not even her, but our marriage. (Irrational thinking, I know.)

Below will explain how I, and I believe my wife as well, honestly looked at how we were to mature and prosper as a married couple.

When my wife and I were 18 and 19 years of age we were greatly, for better and worse, influenced by the conservative church we attended. (No offence meant to anyone, I am only sharing our experiences of outside influences.)
Tall candles participated in our wedding ceremony. There were 3 pure white candles on the altar in front of us. The middle candle was unlit, a representation of our upcoming union. And on either side, there was an individual, lit candle, each to represent her and I. During the ceremony we held our individual lit candles and then together we lit the exposed wax thread of the unlit middle, taller candle. We in tantum lit middle candle and as the glow of the flame became secured, we blew out our smaller, incomplete candles.

The meaning of this ritual was to, symbolically, express a vow that we were setting aside our individuality to become 1 ‘new person’ under God. Sounds sweet and romantic but was it healthy? Looking back at that concept we took literally, I am now fully aware we got off on the wrong foot. Plus, as time passed, this "two people becoming one person belief began to fray our natural selves, strangling our uniquely individual souls.

As I have come to see it, my wife simply was the 1st to buckle under the pressure of believing she had to lose herself to be loved by me. (I’m not making excuses, she had healthy options, just giving important background.)
We were on our own after the infidelity for the church was holy unprepared to be of any real help. Forgiveness and returning to being the marriage they scolded us be, was their only offering. No insight, no rethink, just do it the church’s way and you will be fine.

Fortunately, we rejected their insistences and found our own way which did include fostering each other’s real selves and assisting in each other’s finding of themselves. We knew we were taking the chance that in these new discoveries of our individual selves we might realize we were not going to be a couple anymore. But there was no turning back and I had no desire to return to what we were pre-infidelity.

For us, reconciliation has worked so far. I am not making the claim that there is no pain anymore, no discomforting, intrusive thoughts, or that there are no more of those unquenchable questions, you know, the dreaded "how’s and why’s". I’m only saying they no longer rule the day. The sting of infidelity has become far less destructive. That said, we know we must, from time to time, give pain its due so we might continue the success of the reconciliation and prosper as both individuals and as a couple.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post! Wow. Hits home here!

Just yesterday I was meditating on the spiritual position we are thrown into on D-Day (without writing a book, here!). Simply phrased, we go from our perceived "couple unit" right back to "Well, I guess it's just me and You, God." And I wondered what we need to do to maintain that constant sense of who we truly are, a loved child of God, when we are immersed in the many self-sacrificing aspects of marriage? Deep stuff.

Thanks again for your post and for sharing that story about the candles. I think that was my understanding of marriage, too. Lofty concept...maybe unrealisitic.

Thank you Superesse for your thoughtful reply. You can write a book on any of my posts anytime you feel it to be helpful to you, others, or to me. 😊

I must be fully transparent and state that neither of us follows a religious tradition anymore. But we support those that do. It was a painful choice to leave our church home, with the loss of our dearest friends but it was the right decision for us and we’ve never looked back.

It sounded as if you chose divorce (am I right?) that is often the best alternative to take and for many, the only alternative to take.

Best wishes
Asterisk

Thanks again, sir! No, neither "D" or "R." Another poster the other day identified our situation as "Zombie M." ! Can't be "limbo" if I'm not waiting for him to change. But at my age (74 1/2) with heart damage from the stress of it all, seems like this is the course I'm stuck in. At least we can limp along like an old motor with 3 cylinders blown...knocks, under-powered, burns excessive oil, but gets me to the grocery store. Sad.

Anyway it's a deep subject and one to explore. I'm thinking you came from a tradition where M is considered eternal? My background is not quite that strong about M but we aren't allowed to D and remarry either. And at this stage I'm not even going to consider that option!

I have enjoyed your ruminations.

What an incredibly descriptive analogy. Even it is very sad, I loved the connection to a aged car. As a man only 2 years behind you, I can relate to the thought of "just limping along". Fortunately, weird thing for me to say, I was 35 years old when my wife disclosed. It was brutal but time was on our side.

Thank you for sharing some of your story and I’m sorry I misunderstood the part where you said: "Well, I guess it’s just me and you, God."

No, divorce in the case of infidelity was not forbidden in our church but remarriage was not a well accepted direction to take. It was based on the teachings that "You can only be one flesh with your spouse, until death." Strange stuff I use to ascribe to."

My shortened story is that my wife and I worked in the missionary field for 12 years. We had returned from the field with me becoming the youth director at our church, my wife was the organist, and her affair partner, the choir director. As one might guess, it was a messy situation. I knew they were close, I encouraged it because their work was glorious and their connection should have been safe. I had no idea that they had become physically involved for 1 ½ years. I resigned immediately and moved 1200 miles away leaving my wife and two kids behind. Not as a permanent situation but time for everyone to take stock. My kids joined me 3 months later and then my wife 3 months after that. And, in full discloser, I was humiliated. It was a real test of personal and collective survival.

Thank you Superesse for your kind words.

Asterisk

How very true indeed. Thank you Asterisk for sharing this thought.

I have been doing just as you suggested for 12 years. I come first (now that kids are grown).

I don’t worry about our marriage because I’ve gotten to a place where I am good with him or without him. Single or married — all good in my book.

Not to say I would not be saddened if we D but I would not be devastated. I think that is the difference.

I spent a solid 2 years with my counselor during & after his affair. I have no regrets whatsoever about that because it made me a better person and I have much more self confidence now than I ever did.

But better late than never.

I am so sorry that the church was not prepared to help you navigate the Betryal properly. Unfortunately, this is often the case sadly. That said, I really wish you would reconsider and not toss away trie religion, because of your unqualified and insensitive Church leadership.

Friend, Christ defiantly commands forgiveness because we all need forgiveness from Him. But He also wholly supports making amends...for the betrayer to make things right. He also gives liberty for divorce. Finally, God knows wounded hearts take time and care to heal.

If you were to focus on the person and words of Christ, I trust you again realize, He is the only way and is the Great Physician for your soul. 🙏