Currently listening to "Not Just Friends" on Audible, and chewing on some of the posts from here. One refrain seems to stand out to me: you are meant to do the inner work so that you can meet all of your own "needs," such that you are prone to seeking an AP to meet them, or "displacing" those needs into your BS.
But what if one of those needs is social interaction? I could talk to myself, sure, but that’s not satisfying in any meaningful way. (Also other people would think I am crazy.)
One of my "whys" for this affair is that I have zero adults to talk to during the day outside of my BH, and exAP provided that. In my head, conversation leads to connection/companionship, and connection/companionship leads to romantic intimacy, and romantic intimacy leads to sexual intimacy…and so it was a slippery slope of rationalizations and boundary-breaking from the point where we were just talking as just friends to having a full blown A.
I know my husband is not meant to meet all of my social needs. I know that I need to make some friends. I am not sure how to disentangle good, quality friendship from romantic intimacy, after several years of the only real friendship I’ve experienced coming from BH. In the past, I have had to cut off friendships after I felt that I had started liking that friend a little too much, and it is my plan to continue doing that (and doing it "more better!" as people in my profession like to say) going forward as a means of preventing any further infidelity.
But of course, it’s painful to cease interactions with people you really like. I’m afraid of having to do that again. And I think it would probably be a *safer* bet to make female friends— it’s just not entirely safe because I am bisexual (possibly biromantic, though I haven’t explored romantic relationships with women to be able to say with any certainty, and obviously it’s too late in my life for that.) I also really struggle with connecting with other women; I suspect my on-the-spectrum-ness makes it hard for me to understand the more complicated set of social rules women follow. With men, it just seems so much simpler— until they want more with me, and then it’s game over again.
I have considered trying to make friends with other married people, though "Not Just Friends" is leading me to believe they are not really much safer options, given the prevalence of infidelity, either. It would be really nice to have friends that are both mine and BH’s… but that’s also a bit complicated because of our age gap. It’s hard to find people who would want to be friends with both a 28 yo and a 53 yo. (Other age-gapped couples would be an option, but… how do we find them, other than swinger sites, which obviously comes with a unique set of risks?)
And if we do manage to make mutual friends (maybe other parents, through kid-oriented activities?) Can we make the time to all hang out together? I feel like we really only get to spend quality time together as a family on the weekends, as BH often works late into the evenings. The rare times that we get a babysitter, I think we are desperate for time alone as a couple... Can we fit socializing with other couples/families into our lives right now? Similarly, is it possible for me to make time for non-mutual friends when my only child-free time is three weekdays, from like 8 am - 5 pm, when most people my age are working? (And maybe when I should be tending to my responsibilities as home too?)
I just don’t know. I feel stuck and afraid, and still so lonely. Am I doomed to feel like this forever? I want to rip my own heart out so I don’t have to feel anything at all, at this point. I’m so tired
