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After reading more recent posts and even dealing with my own individual process of reconciliation. I noticed a lot of us touch this specific topic in response to another question, but we never really do a deep dive.

If it's a repeated post, feel free to delete or disregard it.

I'm 16 Months in reconciliation. I'm finally no longer feel anger towards WW or the situation. Nor do I feel like it has a huge control over who am as a person in some ways as I did early on. I do believe I have come to accept the affair has happened and that there's nothing I or anyone can do to undo it. Not only that, but I no longer wonder what I could have done to stop it. However, I do feel like I've started entering into a phase of putting up walls, whether it be emotional or other to protect myself from being disappointed. I know at some point I have to address that. I know someone posted something similar in another post, which led me to this post.

It seems like some more than others have had similar experiences and feelings in reconciliation. It seems like while the obvious is why we all are here and that is a core similarity. However, how we feel during the months during reconciliation varies and we all at some point feel alone and lost.

So, I was curious how did you feel and what did you go through with your spouse during the first 12 Months, 24 Months, 36 Months...etc.

Many have described year 2 as the Plane of Lethal Flatness (POLF). It’s when the shock and anger and all that adrenaline and energy dissipate. You are left with the acceptance and disappointment that this DID happen. Your spouse did this. So now what?

It does not last forever — many describe their healing to start accelerating in year three. I didn’t R, so I’ll let others speak to their experiences, but we commonly see year 2 as the POLF on here.

My 1st 3 months were awful, free fall into the abyss. Months 3-6 were a levelling off; I could see a way out of the abyss. After that, I experienced a slow return to being able to notice and feel joy. That improvement was pretty steady, but I experienced some setbacks, followed by a return to slow progress.

Two years out, my gut told me R would succeed for us, but I kept telling myself not to be over-optimistic. It wasn't until 3.5-4 years out from d-day that I declared myself to be healed enough.

I was still vulnerable to triggers, and some were pretty intense, but I was able to process them as they came. Earlier, triggers came so frequently that I could not process one before another showed up. From 3.5-4 years out on, triggers became less frequent and less intense. At this point, almost 15 years out, I don't remember the last time I triggered over infidelity.

I triggered hard yesterday because of something in the news and because of excessive stupidity and nastiness perpetrated by the manager of our condo.

Let’s see — timetable of my recovery — first 3 months were shock. Months 4-6 were a blur of emotions, but I jumped to all out anger for a month or two and then clinical depression kicked in for six months. By the end of year two, I wasn’t sure love or kindness would be enough to save us.

For whatever reason, after letting go of the outcome, the healing seemed to kick in.

It may have been me that mentioned building up some emotional walls, my IC/MC told me if I wanted to get the relationship I wanted, I would have to find a way back to vulnerable. I think the walls are something every one us retreats behind at some point, just to rest and recover. The brain protecting itself is fairly natural to me.

I can say, getting back to vulnerable is the hardest step for anyone trying to stay in the M.

Not all of us get there.

My advice? Take your time. Don’t sweat a timeline, heal at the pace you require.

I think after our world is turned upside down by someone else’s choices, the one gift in this is we get to rebuild our world how we want for however long it takes.

In my case, my wife was very patient with me, and gave me space when I needed it. She outlasted my depression and pain, which was not an easy thing to do.

Like Sisoon, I think year three felt like progress. Years four through ten, pretty damn good, all things considered.

Vikrant1993

So, I was curious how did you feel and what did you go through with your spouse during the first 12 Months, 24 Months, 36 Months...etc.

Oh wow, ready for a novel of what not to do? LOL

As I remember, in the 1st 12 months we desperately clung to each other. My wife was afraid I’d leave her and me not knowing if my wife honestly wanted me to stay. Most of that year was a blur, what I remember most is that anytime I was alone, I’d cry at a depth of confusion and pain I’d never known then dry my eyes before I got home.

24months out, we were committed to finding our way through this wasteland. We didn’t know what the hell we were doing but we did it with full commitment. Things were smoothing out, and it appeared we’d made it over the hump. (Appeared, is the key word.)

36 months out and we had reshaped both our marriage and how we related to each other. Sure, there still was some pain and shame for both of us rumbling deep down but it was manageable. Our new life was warm and affectionate, filled with grace and kindness towards each other. My wife went back to college and came out 5 years later with her Master’s Degree in psychology and a new career path while I opened my own business, one I would enjoy every day until I retired. Reconciliation achieved! And then…

Yep, though we both saw us as reconciled what we failed to recognize and work at was "healing". That was a major mistake with venomous teeth that would come to bite us decades later. Hence, that is why I am here 32 years post D-day attempting, with everyone’s help here at SI, to identify and then drain out the poison that had silently invaded and deteriorated a wounded part within me. My wife seemed to have fared in this area better than I had. Oddly, I know it doesn’t appear to be the case but our marriage is loving and strong, these days it is me that is the weak link.

Asterisk

BarelyBreathing,

Many have described year 2 as the Plane of Lethal Flatness (POLF). It’s when the shock and anger and all that adrenaline and energy dissipate. You are left with the acceptance and disappointment that this DID happen. Your spouse did this. So now what?

Thank you for posting and sharing this information. I did not know this at all. I just recall reading that it took about 2 years to "get over" the incident. But I guess, like many things, the POLF got lost with time.

Sisoon,

Two years out, my gut told me R would succeed for us, but I kept telling myself not to be over-optimistic. It wasn't until 3.5-4 years out from d-day that I declared myself to be healed enough.

I understand the portion of not to be over-optimistic. That's something I'm currently at. Not trying to be pessimistic but letting actions be the determining factor of everything.

Oldwounds,

It may have been me that mentioned building up some emotional walls, my IC/MC told me if I wanted to get the relationship I wanted, I would have to find a way back to vulnerable. I think the walls are something every one us retreats behind at some point, just to rest and recover. The brain protecting itself is fairly natural to me.

I can say, getting back to vulnerable is the hardest step for anyone trying to stay in the M.

Like you said, I think it's only natural to build up walls after suffering trauma. I know at some point I have to bring those walls down, but I do think it's a little too soon, but idk. Was there anything specific you did that helped bring those walls down?

Asterisk,

My wife went back to college and came out 5 years later with her Master’s Degree in psychology and a new career path while I opened my own business, one I would enjoy every day until I retired. Reconciliation achieved! And then…

If I may ask, how did it feel with everything going on between you two to start something new like opening a business or going back to school. I would imagine both are great stressors in a relationship as it is. Would you say you had more stressors given the A. I ask cause I have thought multiple times to move to a different place of employment for more pay and opportunity. While the process of going to a new thing is nervewracking as it is, it's definitely another stressor to be added to reconciliation.

Oddly, I know it doesn’t appear to be the case but our marriage is loving and strong, these days it is me that is the weak link.

I fear, that is what will be my case as well. It's really hard move forward, but based on many of your posts and others, it is very possible. Unfortunately, some things just take longer than anticipated is what I'm starting to realize.

Vikrant —

Like you said, I think it's only natural to build up walls after suffering trauma. I know at some point I have to bring those walls down, but I do think it's a little too soon, but idk. Was there anything specific you did that helped bring those walls down?

I had healed up enough to start with — and even then, it took practice.

The flip side of it is my wife was earning trust back a little at a time, so it about not turning her away when she reached out.

I don’t mean flirting or advances, I mean I had to believe her when she did something nice or said something nice.

At some point, when I let go of the outcome, and I was good with however things turned out, it was easier to reach back out to her.

When my WW no longer denied her LTA, my strong inclination was to drive her to his house, ring the doorbell, and tell him he could have her.

That’s what I should have done. Probably what she was hoping for. But I didn’t.

Instead, I stayed. I tried to hold on to something that I didn’t realize no longer existed. Maybe, had never existed.

And she stayed. Why? I don’t know. Maybe he wouldn’t leave his wife and child. Maybe it was her religious beliefs. Maybe she couldn’t face her family, the world, as an adultress, a home wrecker, a side piece.

But I now know that love for me was not the reason, or even one of the reasons.

After Dday, she either really ended her relationship with him, or she got very, very good at hiding it.

But I was never sure. And my walls went up. I’ve lowered them a few times, but she mostly let those opportunities pass by.

So we’ve stayed together. FWB, I suppose (very occasional benefits). And not quite FWB, because I still love her.

But other than this, we’ve had charmed lives. We’ve had two wonderful children (I say "we" guardedly), financial success, we get along, have fun together.

But I wish there were no walls.

So, my advice?

If your walls are up because you’re uncertain about her feelings for you, and if her feelings for you are important to you, think long and hard about this.

My sense, from this site and others, from the extensive literature, and my own experience, is that when women leave the marriage, they don’t come back.

This may be what you’re sensing, and if so, you may be trying to hold on to something that no longer exists.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 1:41 PM, Tuesday, November 4th]

What I'd start with is, if you're feeling better and headed towards a better spot...that's great! In my experience, 4 years out now, it's been 1 step forward 4 steps back with more steps forward and less back lately so that's been positive. My biggest struggle that I think has delayed my progress is that I've always been a "fixer" (not sure if there's a psychological word for this)...if somethings broke I want to fix it and have a hard time accepting when it can't. We (us on this forum) have been put in a situation where this damage can't really be fixed. It needs to be re-built. I just couldn't accept this for the longest time. It clearly delayed my progress and IC has been helping a lot as has my WW. This isn't a broken down car or water heater. It's a marriage that has been damaged beyond repair. What I mean by that is the "old" relationship has been destroyed and I couldn't accept it. It's only recently that I realized that the relationship can be salvaged and in some cases for the better (again, rebuilt). I think the textbook definitions on how this event is processed by the betrayed are pretty accurate but it's very personal as to where and how you can get stuck. It's taken a lot of work, IC, some meds to get out of the dark place I was in (suicidal at one point). As far as your specific question is concerned:

12 months: Horrific with lots of anger, hatred, self-blame, disbelief. Name the emotion and it was probably experienced at some point.

24 months: Lots of ruminating on the why's and how's. Lots of questions making her re-hash the story over and over not necessarily for fact checking or punishment but I think just to continue to try and process what her thought process was. Pretty deep depression at this point.

36 months: Much better communication and effort by both of us to start a new foundation. My WW sent me a meme in this period that showed a cartoon frog stuck on the back of a person and her point was, she constantly wanted to be with me, by me, involved with me which is counter to how I feel at times with people in general. That never meant my love had waned. I'm just a person who needs to be alone from time to time so a HUGE step for us was recognizing those two qualities individually. Simple things like me going for walks with her and her buying me guitar lessons (always wanted to). The former is me committing to spending simple quiet moments with her and the latter was her recognizing that 1 hour lesson a week was some valued "me" time. That was not consistently going on previously. It was 100% about the kids/others and our relationship was ignored...the result was a devastating choice by her but it was important for me to recognize how we got to that position.
48 months (now): I plan on having a conversation this week during IC about what forgiveness feels and looks like. I'm not angry anymore. I'm less triggered. Often times she's recognizing the triggers before I do (ex. the plot of a TV show before we start watching it). For some waywards, hearing those words may matter, for others it may not but I know my wife at some point will want to know that I'm OK.

I'm a very blessed person with 4 great kids and 2 beautiful grandkids and I need to recognize that part of that picture now includes a flawed marriage but that's OK because we're choosing that path....not her alone and not some external force. If I decide it's not something I can continue to do, I can make a different choice and that's OK too but I feel like we're on a path to success....remembering that there is no finish line to this effort.

If the speed with which you're getting to this point is happening faster or slower, I don't think it matters. Everyone's pace will be different depending on the circumstances and the personalities involved.

The first 12 months, even with FWH appearing to be a poster child of reconciliation and recovery (with moments of being human, though no new A behavior), were an absolute shit show for me. I lost 35 lbs in two months. Couldn’t eat for about a year. We did the therapy, IC and MC. I was devastated. I never committed to staying together. I said I’d do my best to recover, however that would look like for me. FWH insisted that he was committed to reconciliation and recovery. I had my doubts. He did a million small things to show trustworthiness. We read all the books. I hated myself, my world, the life we had created. Everything was dark and felt like a lie. I think it took me six months to laugh at a genuinely funny joke.

By 24 months, I was starting to breathe again. Though in many ways, that second year proved to be more difficult in accepting what had happened and trying to make sense of it. I definitely hit the POLF. I was constantly asking myself "why am I still here". It was difficult for me to accept that he had done this to us/me/our family. I questioned was it worth the effort. This was a time of a lot of personal healing for me. Working on my self worth…which had been obliterated by the A. And, working on a lot of past trauma that really made recovery, in general, particularly difficult for me. I started to be able to see past my own pain over this and begin to see his efforts and just how much he was putting in.

By 36 months, I started coming out of the abyss. I found more confidence in myself. I could start to see what we had achieved together working through recovery….reconcilation really started here for me. I could ease up on the hyper vigilance more than in the first two years.

We’re 7 years out now and in the midst of A season. Won’t sugar coat it, I still feel those feelings of insecurity this time of year. Though not the intensity that they once were. I find myself reaching out for more support this time of year. I’m not glad of why this happened, but I am grateful for where we are.

The A season is difficult early, but it fades in importance as one heals, if one heals. I was a wreck in 2011. This year (and for 7 or 8 years), I generally forget when I'm in the A season.

I suggest 2 possibilities for psych (pun intended) terms for fixer. I'm sure there are more, but these 2 may free up your mind to figure out waht 'fixer' means to you.

1) Co-dependent - read Melody Beattie for some info.

2) Rescuer in a Drama Triangle - search the web on 'Drama Triangle' and pay particular attention to Karpman's words, since he identified it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, November 5th]