SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For the first time since DDay I have had thoughts / doubts that maybe I should have not disclosed. There was zero chance my wife would have ever find out as the affair was 20+ years ago and only the AP and I know. We have not been in contact in 20 years. We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of DDay and that might be a contributing factor to the rough stretch we are having. We both had IC today and neither seemed to go very well. I totally get that healing is not linear, but days like today make me feel like we are not going to make it.

In my IC session I expressed my doubts that I did the right thing by disclosing because my wife is just totally broken right now. Although I tell myself that me not disclosing would have saved her the pain, I know my doubts are because I want to avoid the shame and guilt that I have to work through. I remember being in really bad shape last year at this time as I prepared to disclose and know that I would have likely emotionally disconnected completely as a defense mechanism from a nervous breakdown had I not disclosed, but on days like this that seems like such the easier path.

Not sure where to go with this, but had to put it in writing and see if others have had doubts about their progression during reconciliation. I told my IC that physically I am in the best shape I have been in decades. I was in pretty bad shape a year ago and still using pot daily, overweight, dependent on bupernorphine, etc. I have been on a clean diet, exercising, lifting weights, etc. and my last dexa scan showed huge body recomposition progress. Although this required work, it was easy to follow a pretty simple formula (i.e. caloric deficit, lots of protein, daily exercise, strength training program, etc) and every week I could see progress. I was lamenting how much more difficult the healing process / mental health aspect is. I feel like we are following the standard checklist of what we should be doing, but some weeks feel like huge steps backwards (would be like expecting to lose five pounds and finding out that you are 10 pounds heavier).

Maybe I am just looking for some hope in the fog of hopelessness I am feeling by hearing from others who had a similar journey.

Do you remember that thread about keeping secrets?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/666843/keeping-secrets/

I truly believe that you did the right thing with disclosure. I understand, as well as I can, why you're now questioning that choice. But, you know, it's too late now.

We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of DDay and that might be a contributing factor to the rough stretch we are having.

Rest assured that for your wife this is a BFD. For most of us, the first antiversary is extremely difficult, very painful, and a massive trigger. Your best bet here as this day approaches is to match her energy as well as you can. If she withdraws, give her space. If she falls apart on the floor, get down on the floor with her. If she rages, take the heat. If she seeks to escape the day, make it special for her. IOW, play close attention to the clues as well as you're able. No assumptions or expectations. Wing it!

...my wife is just totally broken right now.

Two to five years, brother. That's how long it takes people to heal.

What is she doing to help herself?