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I was getting ready to post a 12-month update post DDay that was going to be pretty optimistic. We went away for the Labor Day weekend as my wife did not want to be at our house as that is where DDay happened. We had a great weekend including three pretty big hikes and both of us seemed to be doing reasonably well.

We were coming home Monday (Labor Day and DDay Anniversary) and I had difficulty sleeping Sunday night with anxiety. The day started okay with a great hike where we talked about the last year and all of the work we have both been doing. We had a great lunch and started for home. Something seemed to be a little off once we got home and in retrospect I should have been more proactive. My wife had previously said she did not want the day to be focused on it being the anniversary of DDay so I was a bit cautious about forcing the issue. I went to the gym that night and could definitely tell we were not in a good place when I got home and showered.

We got into bed and I held her to tell her how grateful I am that she has been willing to reconcile and how much I loved her. She seemed to feel the full set of emotions that she felt 12 months ago and the next couple hours were almost an exact replay of DDay. I have not seen her cry that much at any point since last DDay and she said she was experiencing it all over again. I stayed as present as I could, but told her I was also feeling an overwhelming sense of the same feelings I had that day (shame, guilt, sadness / grief, remorse, etc.). I could not help but feel like we were back at square one despite all of the work we have both done. Every response I had seemed so inadequate compared to what she was experiencing. She told me her heart was shattered and it really broke me.

We both were pretty exhausted (physically, mentally, and emotionally) by the end of the discussion. Things are better today and I have checked in several times to see how she is doing, but I am not sure I am okay. I am still reeling from last night. I knew the day had potential to be really shitty, but definitely surpassed expectations for how shitty it could be. I am hoping to post a more optimistic assessment of the last 12 months, but definitely feeling like I am in the space to do that right now.

Wondering how others would have handled this.

I definitely wasn’t healed up much at 12-months — I don’t know that I felt better or generally more positive until year three.

And my wife had the patience I needed, and she gave me the room to have that kind of bad day you’re talking about.

The work continued anyway, we both wanted to hang in there, but there were several days just like you described.

Sleep deprivation adds up, and emotions get to be pretty raw across the board.

For our situation, my wife certainly felt like there was never enough she could do, yet, she kept trying.

Those moments, the tough ones, may be a chance to build on.

From this side of the fence, part of that first 12-24 months is pure grief, the loss of what we thought our world was, versus what it is.

Once I mourned what was, I was able to focus on what could be, and the work we were doing in the now.

I am sorry it’s been a hard time. I know how it feels to be inadequately prepared for the kinds of questions that come up in that state of emotion.

You are like me in that you are hard on yourself, and the only thing you can do is the best you can. You could have said every right thing and done every right thing and she still may have needed to express all the grief. She probably hadn’t anticipated it either.

You tried to do what she asked, but she may not have known what she needed until it all hit. It’s part of things but staying present with her and the fact you had asked her about her preferences ahead of time were good efforts.

I think you continue to wish you could take this for her, that if you do all the right things it can take it from her. It’s more like do the right things consistently and over time it makes a big difference, but that’s impossible. You have been accountable and have done your best and as long as you stay committed to that I think that’s all you can do. Grief isn’t linear, and though it might feel like in those moments you are back where you started it’s unlikely that in the scheme of things that is true.

Thank you oldwounds and hikingout. One thing we talked about last night was how much we both want to feel more healed at this point, but that we both realize 12 months is still pretty early innings in the typical healing timeline. The tidal wave of feelings was pretty unexpected for both of us and I think that added to the depth of emotions my wife felt. I think we both wanted the day to pass without confronting the raw emotion just simmering under the surface, but that was just unrealistic.

We talked tonight and noted how although yesterday felt like DDay all over again, today definitely felt much better / different than the day after 12 months ago. I know we are in a better place and need to remember that when we have days that feel like we are going backwards.

Hikingout you are correct that I often think how much I want to take the pain my wife is feeling. That would be the case for any pain, but is amplified knowing I am the source of her pain. Just runs so counter to everything I have ever wanted to be.

Looking back, I have difficulty understanding how I made the choices I did when the hurt I have caused was always the inevitable outcome. I can only think that I must have compartmentalized to the point where I never thought about the consequences, thought she would never know, convinced myself she really did not love me / would not care, etc. All the things we tell ourselves to try and make peace with the terrible choices we are making. Much easier to see the underlying issues I had that made that possible, but that is with the benefit of 20+ years of lived experience and lots of IC to unpack the trauma I have been carrying since I was a young child.

I am going to post about the last 12 months once I get to a better mental space, but I really am and we really are in a much better place.

BS here - The 1st Antiversary was BRUTAL. It simply reminded me this did happen and this is my life.

I took the day off work, took myself on a coffee date for breakfast as well as a lunch date and avoided WH all day (the night before I made him aware of my plans and to respectfully leave me alone and let him know why).

At 1 year out, the shock and awe was barely starting to subside.

I suspect, while she didn't want that day focused on being DDay, if she was A - trying to convince herself, B - her body was keeping score, C - her Lizard Brain kicked in or D - all the above.

I also gently wonder out-loud if you yourself had a case of "Expectations VS Reality" about that day.

That being said, good/bad/ugly, you both survived this 1st Antiversary and you are still together trying to reconcile. That is monumental.

The 1 year antiversary was brutal for me, too. That whole almost 2 month period was pretty bad. The affair and d day happened in both March and April, so I had more going on in my mind than just the discovery.

What really sucks is my birthday is at the end of March, which was a pretty critical week as far as the progression of my wife's affair went. While I was celebrating officially being a year older she and her AP were making plans to book a hotel room for the first time. I didn't even want to hear "happy birthday" this year.

We got through it tho. It eventually passed and I was able to regulate again. It sucks, but I think this is pretty normal for a couple going through recovery. I know it's been a couple of days since you posted this. Hopefully things have calmed down for you and your wife.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:15 AM, Saturday, September 12th]

We got into bed and I held her to tell her how grateful I am that she has been willing to reconcile and how much I loved her.

I think this was probably a massive trigger. I'm not sure how to describe this feeling very well. There were certainly moments or days when I felt good, positive, enjoyed spending quality time together (love language), and believed our lives, our marriage, was improving. The "high" was alluring, pleasant. And temperary. The "fall" was all the more precipitous because of it. Feeling safe, however temporarily, triggered my subconscious mind, which was more than eager to remind me that my ex-wife was dangerous.

She seemed to feel the full set of emotions that she felt 12 months ago and the next couple hours were almost an exact replay of DDay. I have not seen her cry that much at any point since last DDay and she said she was experiencing it all over again.

This was my experience, too, more or less. A part of it is simply because we live our lives by the calender, attaching great significance to repeating cycles of the year (seasons, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and... antiversaries).

You two had a good weekend. Mother Nature is very healing. Returning home was a trigger, a reality check.

I stayed as present as I could, but told her I was also feeling an overwhelming sense of the same feelings I had that day (shame, guilt, sadness / grief, remorse, etc.).

I think this was a mistake on your part, although I understand and appreciate your motives. When she crashes like this, when she's falling down the rabbit hole, keep her in your focus. Don't make it about you, in the singular or plural sense. Apologize, hold her, share her grief, focus on her.

I could not help but feel like we were back at square one despite all of the work we have both done. Every response I had seemed so inadequate compared to what she was experiencing. She told me her heart was shattered and it really broke me.

I've read from you that things she has said have broken you so often that I'm starting to wonder if you truly understand how broken broken can be. I'm not trying to be an ass here nor minimize the pain you're experiencing and I'm sorry to offend. Even the most remorseful, contrite and empathic WS cannot possibly understand just how broken a BS can feel.

You use the word "we" a lot, as if you're both on the same path. I understand you want the "we." I get it, sort of.

However, I want to remind you that the path taken by a BS is very, very different from the one taken by a WS. The issues are different, the recovery is different, the healing is different.

I don't know if changing your perspective on this will help you see her journey as uniquely hers. However, I suspect that she will probably appreciate having the space to find her own way forward.

See her! Let her know that she's seen as her own person on her own journey.

Make sense?