You aren’t throwing your marriage away.
This is very important Selenite, because no matter what you will choose to do I. The future, stay or leave, it wasn’t you throwing the marriage away, you never chose that. You were never given any choice to begin with.
Second, mind movies.yeah we all know is the stuff of horror and you are forced to see them play even if you never wanted a ticket in your worst nightmares.
It’s also normal is your safety mechanism trying to warn you to get away from danger + your wounded attachment and the trauma from abuse being produced and publishers of the movie, that is likely a serial, the worst you’ll ever experience.
The function of it you have noticed alone: I don’t want to be around him.
After such a movie you really don’t want to see the main star not even by accident, not even mentioned possibly.
It’s disgust doing what is supposed to do. To keep you away from foul and dirty things that can taint both your body and spirit.
The big problem is the cognitive dissonance with the love you still have for him. So you are torn between wanting him around and the urge to vomit when you see him for who he truly is.
That goes away the moment you dump him, his value drops to below zero for you accept to recognize the self worth of the person he so thoroughly put effort into becoming, so he becomes a pig, and the affair partner is a pig.
Nothing that could ever sexually concern you, the mere idea of two pigs breeding is gross and you just turn your head away and it becomes irrelevant.
But since you can’t dump him for love still hopes he might become the person he could always be instead of a pig, that’s not an option just yet. Maybe later if things change then it will go away.
So here is the other thing you should focus:
You are not in competition with the affair partner.
You never were, never will. She was a tool for his ego as he was a tool for her ego as you were a tool for the egos of both.
Basically you were the woman she was desperately needing to surpass to feel better about her self worth, to feel more than the pig she is, and she felt like stealing your man would do it because she was taking your crown jewel 💎 from you, and it was free gifted to her as a sign of worthy, so she could feel powerful and "better" (than you in part, but more so about the nothing she feels herself to be).
Little do you all know she wasn’t stealing a crown jewel from you, but she was stealing your trash.
Because your man put so much work and effort into becoming the lowest than a human being can get: a coward, a liar and an abuser.
She actually did you a favor unwillingly because now you know the true value of the person you so much prized.
You can’t see it now but you will, eventually.
And by hurting you they mean to have you drown in the swamp where they rolled in the mud, so that they can feel above you, who are sort of a paragon of value for these people (you are normal, they just became worthless).
That’s the hype of affair high and the feeling powerful.
You win by this: accept it, they are who they are. And you are who you are.
You suffer because in the mind movie you still have the residual image of the man you used to love. Worthy, valuable, reliable, respectable.
So the woman he is having sex with in the movie must match this value. And since that woman is not you, then you are worthless…
See how the mind fucks you up?
If you accept that is not a worthy and desirable man the guy in the movie, but is really just a pathetic broken pig neck deep in foul manure grossly rolling and oinking with mother pig…. Then it becomes a "my god, how pathetic and disgusting. Gross, I regret this same pig ever touched me, I hope I didn’t catch anything nasty" (and check it out, hopefully you already did, because nasty diseases is quite often exactly what such pigs bring to a bed they are unworthy of)
Seeing the man for who he showed you to be, kills the mind movies immediately.
They might still play, but won’t hurt, it would just give you the ick eventually.
Long story short, if he truly regrets and is disgusted of what he became and wants to get back into closeness with you, he better get busy because he has a long way to go from his fall.
People who respect and love themselves don’t let anything dirty get close in their proximity, that’s why you feel disgust of him around, so he has a long way to go to prove you he is truly cleaned up and is not like the pig in the mud he became anymore.
And you may still feel the ick sometimes though, so there is no guarantee you will ever see him as equal ever again.
Because it stood so low.
I wish this to help you a bit, coming from someone who saw not just a kind movie but a real movie of it happening and it haunted me for half my life.
So I know just how important is to close that door forever, and you can do it.
It will all work out.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:33 AM, Sunday, November 15th]
