Now after the affair, if you want to R, we have NO idea which way is truly up. Which is 'real life'.
Gently, how is someone who wants to D in a better position? In fact, how is anybody in a better position? We never knows everything, and we can't predict the future.
You gave us your vows with all your sincerity before, but then you said those very same words to someone else. How the hell can we possibly believe you now. This, from my vantage, becomes even harder to believe if:
(a) We are a much better long-term prospect than AP e.g., higher income everyone likes us i.e., you want to be with uS because we are the Safe Choice.
(b) The AP turns out to not want a relationShip after DDay after all (which wouldn't that make the BS the 2nd choice--it looks even more that you'd really be with AP had he wanted to).
Also gently:
The vows aren't the same, generally not the same words, not given in the same public environment, etc.
The fact that WSes always affair down and don't realize it supports the idea that As are fantasies, doesn't it? (I'm not arguing for the sake of arguing here. The terminology one uses with regard to the A affects how one heals. IMO, some terminology accelerate healing; some does the opposite.
******
I think questions that come from comparisons between BS and ap - like a) above - are based on the BS's belief that something is wrong with the BS and/or that the BS did or didn't do something that made the WS cheat.
Suppose that's not the case, though. Suppose the assertions you read here that the WS cheats for their own reasons, because of their own issues are true?
Hell, even when the WS says they cheated in part because they 'didn't think their BS still loves them,' the issue is most probably that the WS can't/won't take love in anyway.
I know there must be exceptions, but I'm satisfied with the rule that states: M infidelity is the WS's failure, not the BS's.
That's why the WS's blindness to what the BS experience's doesn't surprise or - within the context of cheating - horrify me. The WS is in their own little, make-believe world in which the BS is an obstacle. Of course 'our (wayward) partners and their illicit partners can so callously ignore the damage they are doing and look us in the eyes the whole time....'
*****
A WS who leaves may tell themself they're leaving for greener grass, but the BS needs to realize the WS is not fully in touch with reality. That WS is betting their future on a person who accepts cheating and who is probably a cheater themself. Even a non-attached ap aids someone else's cheating. The qualities of the abandoned BS are irrelevant. The WS who leaves is just making more bad choices on top of the bad choices in the A.
Being betrayed and/or abandoned shakes BSes to their cores. A BS probably uses every insulting message they've ever heard to attack themself with their self-talk. A BS probably invents new insults and keeps attacking themself 24 hours a day. I sure did.
I know that being betrayed hurts. I know that being abandoned hurts. But the cheater chose to cheat for their own reasons. The deserter deserts for their own reasons.
If one doesn't or can't absolve themself of responsibility for the A or the abandonment, IMO that makes healing virtually impossible. And if self-talk is the problem, the solution is to change the self-talk.
Believe me, seeing the absurdity and unreality of what goes on in an A doesn't reduce pain caused by being betrayed, but it can make it easier to heal the pain. Reducing your attack-self self-talk will make it easier to evaluate your own wants and your WS's capabilities. Changing self-talk from attack-self to nurture- and support-self will increase the chances of a success, whether the solution is stay or go.
Bottom line: I believe seeing the unreality of the A helps heal. If it doesn't do that for you, don't use it.
But if your don't see both the reality and the unreality of As, you're missing part of the picture, and I urge you to figure out how to see both sides.
*****
"I figured you’d be a little hurt and pissed off, but nothing we couldn’t get past".
That's the message sent out by the media. I, too, was shocked that the pain was so excruciating and long-lasting.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 PM, Tuesday, December 19th]