SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, the initial response is hopeful. As others have said, it is very early and warnings about the emotional roller coaster are replete throughout this place and others, That said, if this is the path that brings her healing and thus, to you, then I am happy for you both.

There is an illustration that I read years ago (not original to me) that may be apropros. Its been said that infidelity burns marriages to ash, but even ash can be repurposed to mix into the concrete used to pour a new foundation.

You have some great posters here who have worked incredibly hard, both as betrayeds and waywards, to successfully reconcile with their spouses (witness sissoon and hikingout for example). I believe that success breeds success so I encourage you to hone in on their stories and input. I never achieved reconciliation with my first wife although I have partnered in building a wonderful marriage with my second wife, also a survivor of a brutal betrayal.

With that, Ill bow out of your thread and wish you well. I leave you with one scriptural exhortation that is born of a massive rebuilding effort, "Despise not the day of small beginnings."

I wish you both well.

Thank you for your input on this and other threads. I appreciate your perspective and how direct you are. I have had an increasingly difficult time sleeping over the last few months contemplating disclosure and the long nights ruminating in shame have been some of the worst times of my life. I just spent most of last night awake, but the ruminations feel different. The shame is still heavy and at time overwhelming, but I had a long crying session that almost felt like some release. I felt so sad, which is not something I would call good; however, I felt a small progression from shame to guilt / sadness. I am trying super hard to avoid the shame spirals. Seeing my wife not eating or sleeping really triggers my shame as it is a constant physical reminder of the damage I am inflicting, but I am trying to focus on how I can support her rather vs. retreating in shame.

Ff4152, I agree with you. As a betrayed spouse survivor from a longterm affair I still wish 7 years later, that I never knew. It has done me no service "knowing". Whether it has done him any good or not makes no difference to me. We have happily reconciled, but I’d be better off never having learned of his sins. I think people "confessing" to unburden themselves is another strike at extreme selfishness. End your shit, fix yourself, and be a better person. Don’t shatter the innocent so you can "heal".

...not eating or sleeping...

It's shock. Profound shock. It's the amygdala flipping out, completely overwhelmed.

Encourage her to eat. Fix her small, simple, healthy meals. She may not want them. Don't press the issue, but keep trying.

Offer her water. I know, seems trivial. However, her mind and body are in overdrive. Staying hydrated is important.

Offer massages. Nothing sexual.

When it's clear she wants or needs space, give her space.

Just some thoughts from BS in same boat

Immediately after his confession I remember having very strong conflicting feelings for my WH. I'd go from wanting him to go (errands, work, the gym) to needing him next to me. Even after almost 2 yrs I have a hard time when we are apart for more than a day. I was very independent prior to this.

Do you both work? Are you having to navigate through all of this while working 5 days a week? Are you able to take some time off? I can't remember the ages of your kids. Are they still in the house? I am an older retired empty nester, so I didn't have as many distractions to have to deal with.

People talk about hysterical bonding. I experienced this for a while. You may too. We have developed a couple of "rituals" that have helped us to anchor our relationship. One is we now shower together every day. It's very intimate without necessarily being sexual. Perhaps its symbolic of stripping ourselves naked and being vulnerable to each other. I don't know, but it feels good. The other and I think I mentioned this before is we are reading thru the Bible. Every weekday morning we read using the Bible in a year app. Then we read a daily devotional. I can't tell you how helpful that has been for both of us. I choose devotionals about infidelity, trust, forgiveness, grace etc...Then we pray together. It has worked out to be a perfect time to broach those uncomfortable subjects without surprise. Then we are pretty much free to spend the rest of our day doing life.

My H has expressed so much of what you are saying. Your love and dedication mirror everything I have heard. You have been helpful to my healing. Thank you

Your wife's response was/is very similar to mine. She sounds like a very loving and solid woman. This is going to take some time. Stay strong.

We have been empty nesters for the last five years. Ironically that time period is when I really feel like I got to know my wife at a much deeper level and that made the infidelity resurface in ways I did not expect. I had planned on taking the secret to my grave, but as I became more deeply in love I also started to think about the betrayal much more frequently and in a different light than I had before.

I work remotely, but am going to be semi-retiring in the next few months. My wife has been a SAHM since the birth of our first (of two) children in 1997 (one of the many sacrifices she made for our family) and has continued that as empty nesters. We are in our early 50s and very involved with our children (and now one grandchild).

I see the posts from those who think disclosing was a mistake. I thought about that for a very long time. I have been on this site for six months, but started considering disclosing almost 18 months ago. I have had the debate internally about this many times as late as the moment before I disclosed. I wanted to make sure this was not me trauma dumping to ease my guilty conscious. My initial goal in therapy with a betrayal specialist was to determine if disclosing would do more damage than continuing status quo. My therapist and most of the posters here and on Reddit recommended disclosure. I ultimately decided that was the right path, but have spent the last few days wondering again.

The two reasons I believe it was the right thing to do are:

1) my wife told me she is glad that I disclosed this. The pain is immense, but she has said she wanted to know. I originally thought she may have already known or had an idea, but she was totally blindsided so the shock is still fresh; however, she has reiterated to me and with the therapist that she is glad I have disclosed.

2) I knew the shame and guilt I feel would not be relieved by disclosing. I can say with hindsight this is absolutely true. Watching my wife endure this pain has broken me at a fundamental level. I hope I can fix what is broken or rebuild, but I have felt infinitely worse the last few days and can honestly say the disclosure was not self serving.

I do not know where our journey will take us. My wife is the kindest and most loving person I know, but has never had any experiences remotely close to traumatic before. She is forever altered by this and that is something I need to internalize without it became another layer of shame. What I hope and pray is that we can build a new relationship built on a foundation of trust and honesty that will endure the rest of our lives and into the next.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 7:57 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

feelingverylow

I found your messages touching, and I think you are doing the right thing here even if it sucks for everyone involved.

For me I would much rather have known about my wife's infidelity than not. It super sucked of course, but now many things make more sense, and I better understand my wife. I can now have my own agency and be making decisions based on the real world rather that a facade someone has intentionally created to manipulate me into behaving a certain way.

I don't pray, but I hope the two of you can heal quickly, and stay together if thats what you both want.

Member to member OnTheOtherSideOfHell:

Ff4152, I agree with you. As a betrayed spouse survivor from a longterm affair I still wish 7 years later, that I never knew. It has done me no service "knowing". Whether it has done him any good or not makes no difference to me. We have happily reconciled, but I’d be better off never having learned of his sins. I think people "confessing" to unburden themselves is another strike at extreme selfishness. End your shit, fix yourself, and be a better person. Don’t shatter the innocent so you can "heal".

What's the goal here? It seems like OP is trying to do the right thing, and this comment comes AFTER he already told her. Thats a bit like kicking someone when they are down IMHO.

my wife told me she is glad that I disclosed this. The pain is immense, but she has said she wanted to know. I originally thought she may have already known or had an idea, but she was totally blindsided so the shock is still fresh; however, she has reiterated to me and with the therapist that she is glad I have disclosed.

I'm sorry she is dealing with the initial shock of it all, but I am like her, I much prefer the truth.

I needed to have an accounting of the time taken from me and I had to understand the distance caused by the A --in my experience, secrets absolutely cause some distance. To me, it is only a full relationship when we are able to be honest and open/vulenerable with our partners.

Authenticity is painful and beautiful at the same time.

I like that our M can share anything and everything again.

You utilized the "first brick" metaphor for the rebuild, I think that fits. Just know it takes THOUSANDS of those bricks for the new foundation. Hundreds of consistent and kind actions to have a chance at R.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:09 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

Mrs FVL is in the building now. I gave her my credentials so she could read any of my posts and believe she will be getting her own account to potential post on her own. Writing this is now a bit weird as I know she will read this, but in the spirit of full transparency I will continue to post.

We talked deep into the night. It is 4:45 AM and we are both awake after a few hours of sleep. Watching her body struggle with the shock of this is hard as it is a physical manifestation of the terrible mental toll this is taking. She is in so much pain. Our talks have been about the affair itself as well as so many things I have never talked about with anyone. I want her to focus on what she needs to heal, but her instinct is always to help me.

I want her to talk with the therapist about what she should be doing to process this trauma, but for now will continue to answer any and all questions she has. We are going to do a formal disclosure, but I have been answering questions that she asks. I knew answering the questions would be difficult and it is because I feel like each answer is a fresh knife wound, but she has the right to know what she wants and if the situation was reversed I would be asking way more so I understand.

I read how to help your partner heal from your affair yesterday and I found it helpful for me to understand me despite much of the advice being more targeted for individuals whose affairs are more recent (ie the need to cutoff the AP is not an issue as we have not spoken in 20 years, I have no feelings beyond disgust, etc).

I would appreciate any suggestions on what I can do other than be present when she wants me to, transparent when she asks me any questions, and continue to let her know how sorry I am and how grateful I am for every minute she gives me a chance to reconcile. I continually worry that the anger and sadness she feels will overwhelm her desire to reconcile and she will ask me to leave; however, I am trying to let go of worrying about the outcome as it is not for me to decide.

I think posting would be helpful for her and will encourage her to engage with those in the community who have relevant experiences.

Yesterday I thought about asking you if your wife would benefit from reading your posts, under the circumstances decided not to. I am pleased that she will be on SI.

Although the A specifics are a bit different in my case vs yours, the betrayal and years of deceit are similar.

Mrs FVL When you're ready, I hope that you will reach out. I could use a friend to help me navigate this maze of confusion and hurt. Finding out so many years later has its own set of unique issues.

FVL I don't know what else to suggest. No magic wand here. Just show up.

My reco is to distinguish between what you want and what your W may want and to remember to ASK.

I'm thinking of contexts like these:

1) You look at your W and sense she needs something. Is that true, or are you actually sensing that you want something. If you truly think she needs something, offer, but accept 'No.' Sometimes she'll probably want spmething like a hug; sometimes she'll want to be alone.

If you want something, ask for it. For example, 'I'd like to connect. Are you willing now?' Or, 'I'd like to give you a hug. Will you accept it?'

Your ability to understand each other's non-verbals. If your W decides to R. you'll relearn to read each other's non-verbals, but it's best to be specific and explicit.

I can't express how much I hated my W's intrusions because she told herself she was trying to support me, so she gave something that I really didn't want ATM.

I have the same reco for your W: ask for what you want.

I continually worry that the anger and sadness she feels will overwhelm her desire to reconcile and she will ask me to leave; however, I am trying to let go of worrying about the outcome as it is not for me to decide.

Hold onto this conviction, that it is not for you to decide. Your time for unilateral decisions was 20 years ago, now it is her turn. A horrible thing that can manifest is the betrayed being shamed for not forgiving or reconciling. Don’t do that to her, and don’t implicitly support others doing it to her. She deserves the autonomy to process this and choose. It was my experience that while D-Day was was a complete horror, it was my ex-wife’s behavior afterward that sealed the deal for divorce. You aren’t in the driver’s seat here, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have influence on the outcome.

I continually worry that the anger and sadness she feels will overwhelm her desire to reconcile...

I think you're missing something here. The anger and sadness I felt was overwhelming at times. Wholly unfamiliar rage and weeping. That's just part of it, though.

The psychological and intellectual aspects were... well, I felt unhinged. You know, we spend a good deal of our lives instinctively building a mental framework, a philosophy, of the world in which we live. Being betrayed shakes that philosophy to its core. It's just as overwhelming as the emotional aspects (and all the same in some respects). I simply couldn't wrap my mind around the new reality in which I quite suddenly found myself.

On top of all that...

I didn't recognize my wife anymore. The woman I'd fallen madly in love with and married was gone, replaced with a stranger capable of tremendous cruelty. She'd revealed (betrayed) aspects of her character that I never knew existed and I certainly didn't like it.

Anger and sadness might be enough for her to walk away. However, there's usually more to it than these alone.

OntheOtherSideofHell: I agree with you. If it were only one time, yes, it's better to know, but if my spouse had been doing things for years - if I thought we had a good marriage, without the financial theft and abuse, I would much rather not know as well. I think it IS better not to know. It's devastating and can wreck a person's mental and physical health, and I don't see any value in it. Unburdening your own soul is not enough to me, that should be something you take to your grave as part of the punishment for what you've done. I think it's a grievous injury to a good spouse and might actually create lasting physical and mental damage to some, and if I knew my spouse had been lying and betraying me for years and possibly decades, I could only pretend to forgive this and continue on with a hopeless marriage. How can you ever learn to trust someone whose relationship with you is based on lies. I couldn't. And people shouldn't be asked to do this. It sounds to me like the guilty party is assuaging their own conscience or mind at the expense of the BS. Personally, after the shock, I would get a divorce right away, I would never consider reconciling this. I have to be honest, this does seem selfish to me - to be trying to reclaim your own conscience at the expense of a trusting partner. I'm reminded of what the Doctor says to Scarlett O'Hara at the end of Gone With the Wind when the good Melanie is dying. The Doctor is concerned that Scarlett might unburden herself of her feelings and actions towards Melanie's husband, whom she's been in love with for years. The Doctor tells her "don't you go unburdening yourself now and telling Miss Mellie stuff that makes no never mind now. She's going to die in peace." Well, we're not dying, but I agree with that sentiment. If you've lived much of your life in a bad way, why make someone else utterly miserable with it. Just grow up and be a better person.

Probably not the general view here, but I have to put in my two cents worth. If you've lived much of your married life like this, and you've turned a corner, take it to your grave and just be a better person from here on in, the one you should be. Yes, I know sometimes people find out accidentally, but I'd take that risk. I would not inflict this on someone else and then watch them suffer.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 8:05 PM, Wednesday, September 10th]

I very much understand those of you who disagree with disclosing. When I first started therapy that my primary question was should I disclose or not especially considering I thought my wife may have known (in retrospect this was a coping mechanism I used to justify not disclosing for the past many years). I told my therapist I would find a way to live with the secret if that was a better option for my wife.

My therapist as well as most of the individuals who post on SI was to disclose. I struggled with this up until the minute before disclosing and have questioned if I made a mistake many many times since. I cannot say right now with certainty disclosing was the right thing to do, but I know it was not done because I thought it would help me. Part of my sessions were spent discussing why I do not think finally being honest about this would help my depression as it does not change the underlying actions. My therapist indicated she thinks a portion of the shame waywards feel is due to the dishonesty and by disclosing that can start to lift. That has not been my experience. I feel the shame and guilt magnified as I witness the impact my choices are having.

That said, I would ask that people avoid any further comments on whether disclosing was selfish or wrong. At this point that is moot as I have disclosed. I think this is an intensely person and fact-specific decision and would guess that many people who lurk on these boards would take that as a reason to continue lying to the BS. I originally posted on a reddit forum before someone on their suggested SI and had a few people give their honest opinion that disclosing after this long was not a good idea. I really wanted to give the minority opinion tremendous weight so I could avoid the trauma that we are now currently both experiencing.

Right or wrong for once I did what I thought was right with respect to my infidelity and I hope that time will validate that decision.

Friend, it is said of One much wiser than us all "The Truth Shall Set You Free". Although it is most certainly painful as you are both experiencing, there is a freeing reality. Now is your time to mend her precious heart, it should be your life pursuit as long as she allows it. And from my personal experience...I want to suggest seek Jesus, invoke Him for help, I guarantee, He will not fail you.🙏