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Why are you continuing to try to work with him? He is so inconsistent that it only causes YOU more pain.

One minute he is all in and the next he reverts back to the lying cheating jerk he is now. My fear is that you will be working very hard and he will not be working in the marriage at all.

Worse yet, he will be cheating again in some way shape or form.

180.

Ignore his false promises.

Protect yourself.

And I’m not sorry you gave him your full fury. He needs to hear it and honestly it’s good you got it off your chest. At least he knows how you really feel. So if you decide to D he’s not blindsided and telling his mommy "I didn’t know how she felt. I thought things were good"!

Yeah, I'm not buying it either. Not to mention, depending on the counselor it may or may not not go well. Some counselors will take a "save the marriage at all costs" approach, even if it means partially blaming the betrayed spouse for the affair. Which is complete garbage.

That's why individual counseling is recommended first. You both work on yourselves individually. BS works on getting over the trauma and WS works on what's broken that made them decide cheating was a good idea. Then you try marriage or couples counseling to work on communication.

A nice guy act after only 2 weeks isn't enough. A month isn't long enough. It's going to take years to rebuild trust. Years of very consistent complete transparency and honesty with everything. If he's waffling on providing emails, texts, or whatever that's not transparency. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I think breaking from the 180 to chew his ass is a forgivable and understandable "slip" in this case.

Don’t feel bad for going off on him. He has been emotionally abusing you. Stick to the 180.

Look your WH is broken. He is blameshifting to you which is a typical cheater tactic. Nothing you have done or haven’t done in your M caused him to cheat. From what you have shared, he cheated because he wanted to. Period. He lied to you. Deceived you. Lied to his work colleague AP and after he tired of using her for sex, he dumps her, and he wants to have you accept all of this and and accept him, while he suffers no consequences. Huh?

Be careful of marriage counseling. A counselor often wants to focus on fixing your M. Your M did not fail, your WH failed you. Your WH needs IC and massive work on himself to figure out how he became so broken that he could cheat on his W, endangering his DD’s intact family. Consider that your M, like everyone else’s M had issues. Look at your M as a house in need of repairs for a leaky roof or a balky furnace. Instead of working with you to repair your house, your WH unilaterally decided to pour gasoline on the house and burn it all to the ground. Now he is desperate to rebuild the house, or so he says. But before you move forward in MC to address issues in your M, you want reassurances that your WH is no longer capable of arson. Take care of you and your child. Always value yourself. You deserve a partner you can trust and committed to you and your child. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:15 AM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Good riddance. He just did you the biggest favor. Right now, you're in shock and probably feel like you're sinking in churning water. You WILL heal.

If he can't even do the bare minimum than FTG.

I still remember talking to one of my Army brothers about my now ex. He said something so profound when I asked him if everything I'm doing to save the marriage doesn't work, what do I do? How do I get him to get his head out of his ass?

He said, "There's absolutely nothing you can do. And if he doesn't figure it out, then he doesn't F'ing deserve you Sis! FTG."

I didn't see it then, but my ex did me a favor. I'd already wasted years on a man that didn't deserve me and didn't have my back. He freed me from being loyal, faithful, and loving to someone who never deserved it. I wouldn't waste even more precious time with dead weight around my neck.

In a few years, you're going to look back and wonder how in the F was I sobbing in the fetal position over THAT GUY? Seriously, him???

I promise. Just ask me how I know. Today sucks because you haven't healed and gained valuable self insight. But you will one day.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:08 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]

Thanks again everyone.

This man is on another level. He comes up to me and gives me some of the passwords i asked for but not all of them. Then says he will give the rest soon

Then switches again and says i don’t know if i want to married and have the responsibilities etc. and i don’t know if i can honestly do marriage counselling because I’m not 100% i want to be married anymore and i don’t want to lead you on. Then says im not mature enough and i don’t know if i can be happy with everything that comes with marriage like accountability etc

I am literally gobsmacked. How does someone with a child choose not to grow up? I said to him maturity is a choice. He is 29 this year. In some ways it’s young but i think its old enough to make good choices?

I bet this he is going to change his tune again. Wouldn’t be surprised.

i have asked a lawyer to give me some advice on how much money i can offer him so i can keep the house.

In Australia you have to be separated for 1 year before a marriage can be terminated. I kicked him out since found out about AP and its coming up to two months

10 months to go!

Does the separation need to be documented? As in, do you need to file for a legal separation?

Hoping you have a recognized separation so you're counting down to the one year for divorce. Marriage is not a crap shoot. You're either in or you're out. He'll drive you crazy with the back and forth. It not only reflects his own indecision about what he wants in life - and his own fundamental immaturity and unwillingness to shoulder responsibility even for his own child - but it's ALSO A CONTROL MECHANISM. If you keep someone in a state of uncertainty you can control them and manipulate them to do what you want - or what you don't want. It's a way of being in charge of the situation, it's whatever his whim dictates. You can't set a clear path forward because he moves the ground under your feet. And it also keeps him the central figure in the relationship, it all revolves around him and what he wants at any given point. You have to continue to break through this - you are the central figure in your own life, you and your child. He needs to learn he ain't all that. I don't think no contact (NC) is probably practical for you at this point, but go as little contact as possible. You need to be sure in your own mind and you don't need to be undermined by his fluctuating bullshit. Set your path and keep moving forward. You are the only one who can be in charge of your own life and he's either helping you pull the weight, or he's not. He's not. This is about your life and protecting your child. If he doesn't want to be part of a family and it doesn't look like he does, then he can go to hell. You and your child are the central figures here.

As tough as this is now....in a year or two once you are past this point and divorce....you will actually feel much better that you don't have to contend with this man baby trying to undermine you repeatedly. You can make a better and much secure life on your own. Try to set goals for the future for yourself. You CAN do this and life will be much better on the other side. He makes you weak.

How does someone with a child choose not to grow up? I said to him maturity is a choice. He is 29 this year. In some ways it’s young but i think its old enough to make good choices?

Well, he may be a male of the species but he definitely is clueless as to what it means to be a man. I call guys like him a man-child. Sadly, he will probably never progress in his maturity curve beyond where he is today. 29 going on 9.

Well, as The1stWife said, 10 months to go and in the meantime, pour your efforts into yourself, your well being, your interests, your growth.

Strength to you as you forge your own way forward, sans him.

I get a sense that you are not basing your view on the next formal, legal, steps on concrete knowledge, but some assumption based on what you THINK ending a marriage might look like... We see that a lot here, and it often leads to people basing their decisions (or worse – indecisions) on imagined or perceived obstacles rather than reality.

Like... If you two are aprox 29-30 years old, with an 8 year marriage... Is there really that much equity in the house? What about other assets and debts? What is marriage law in your state/country? Like... maybe he walks away with a debt-free car. Maybe he’s just glad to get off the mortgage. Maybe your bank refuses to let you alone carry the mortgage and you have to sell the house... Maybe you don’t want to be in that house or that town or that area once divorced. Maybe it’s not realistic to maintain that house on a single income. Too many factors to consider, based on assumed information rather than factual.

I guess what I’m suggesting is that you are better off basing your decisions on reality rather than perceived fears. If you have to pay him eventually it’s better to KNOW that rather than THINK that.

Bump by request

Update, I would appreciate everyone’s wise words.

About a month ago i found out he was still in contact with AP. His behaviour went from sorry to very cold again and he wasn’t making any changes so i knew something was up.

I immediately further reduced communication. He isn't to come near our house, he stays with his mum, i blocker his number and all questions about our daughter go through my sister.

For a month he was trying to get a reaction or get me to talk to him. I refused to say anything.

Yesterday he left another voicemail and said something about fixing it with me so i got curious.

Bad frkin idea.

Now his excuse for not changing is because he doesn’t want to be the same religion as me. And he knows i wont accept him back unless he is.

His saying he didn’t believe in it for the past few years and he was pretending to keep the family together. And somehow that built resentment that he didn't voice.

I have gone back to cutting off all communication again.

But seriously, how can someone now start blaming being confused on religion as a reason to cheat.

and thats also his excuses for contacting AP again. How does that make sense?

Am i crazy for thinking this is not an acceptable excuse?

No, you're not crazy. It's just an excuse and another way to shift the blame to you.

Now, I'm not a religious person so I can't really chime in on that, but I certainly wouldn't cheat because of a difference of opinion. He did marry you knowing your affiliation I'm assuming? In either case, him contacting his AP and continuing to cheat has nothing to do with it.

What Pogre said. He's using this latest story to blame you. If he is unable to take responsibility for his actions and be an accountable adult, he's not a safe partner for you or able to be a fully capable parent to your child.

Were you able to speak with a lawyer and get more facts about the process of separation and divorce, and what those scenarios might mean for you? You'd previously said that Australia requires one year of separation prior to divorce, so hopefully that clock is officially ticking to give you more options and agency over your life going forward.

They will blame it on anything no matter how stupid and weak, it is never the reason because there are no good reasons for infidelity, it is always this one reason only, it is crude, selfish, immature and gross, but even if it is harsh believe it:

I am unhappy with myself because I am not the person that I believed I would have been in my fantasy, happy, good, respected and loved.

I cannot even love myself either, I am fully dependent on others validation just to feel normal.

So I choose to follow that, to get with a person that I can fake to be a Superman / superwoman, someone that makes me feel better than the sad person I see everyday in the mirror. With them I can pretend I can not care and I can indulge into my fantasy. After all I deserve to be happy, if my partner loves it sure they will forgive me or understand it.

But they would see me in a bad light because I know that will hurt them, so I choose to keep this secret and if I finally feel happy I can amend it by leaving them with one of my brilliant excuses we, so they will not hurt and we will all be happy.
If it doesn’t work I can always go back to them.

I am doing this because happy me = happy others.
Is bad but is still good for everyone, as long as I protect them from the truth.

And with that "logic" the bullshit carousel starts spinning rampant, that’s why you get the circus that baffles you.

And no matter how smart they are, infidelity seems to dumb down the cheater regardless, probably is the brain coping mechanism to match with the dumb excuses they force themselves to believe to allow themselves to cheat.
And since the excuses are childish and stupid, the brain has to match the stupid gear overall, so everything goes, they will give you the good enough reason that helped them to betray themselves and since they are in dopamine’s high that should obviously fool you too.

No logic, just garbage.

You do know what to do now.
Put yourself first, he is worthless.

We are here to hear you and how you feel and support you.

He did marry you knowing your affiliation I'm assuming?

Yes, he converted to my religion before got married and even said it wasn’t for anyone but because he believed it.