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After a very long year of things seeming to take forever to complete it does seem that everything is coming together really quickly now.

Spoke to solicitor about transfer of house name and they expect to complete in early September, signed new will so STBXWW gets nothing other than the conditions imposed by the court, and perhaps more to the point her children now get nothing as well.

A few necessary messages with her recently as I look to get this process over the line and she is becoming even more curt in her replies and even more grumpy. She is still not happy that I have progressed the D and I think I have finally worked out the reason why from her comments. The problem as she sees it is that I applied for the D and have driven the process forward, she does not want to come back (at least not yet, but hey she should always keep her options open right) but that she lost the control, and the D should have been applied for when SHE wanted it, not when I decided. It just seems that this was a last act of wanting to retain some control over my life and my decisions.

Unfortunately she is having to deal with the reality that she has lost control, that there was no way back for her because I have long passed the point when I would want her back. I filed the application to formally end the marriage with the courts last week and there is now nothing she can do to stop the process. So as soon as this is processed by the court, probably 3 to 4 weeks, she will be a twice-divorced woman, and has run out of options, she has to make things work with the AP, for better or worse. She better hope he does not get tired of her being grumpy and ask her to leave, or she will end up begging family or friends for a spare room to live in.

Personally I will just be thankful that the whole process is over and that will be a huge step along my healing path. The only thing she can do now is to delay signing the documents to hand over the house but as my solicitor pointed out, they will hold the money I am required to pay her in accordance with the court order, but she will not get a penny until she signs the documents, so I am confident that these will be signed quickly.

Congratulations! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting back control of our life is a such a great relief and power move. Well done!
It’s been a long, tough road, but you are doing great.

Here’s to more healing and being out of infidelity!

Thanks for the update! You’ve done well healing yourself and taking back control of your life. It’s a process, and not an easy one, but your resilience will pay benefits. It’s known that narcissists cherish control of others over everything else. You took that control away from her by pushing forward with the D, and she doesn’t like it. Tough. Good for you. Congratulations as you see light in the future.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:27 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

In your first post you say you had not had sex with her in 5 years, she did not love you, had taken up with a guy, but she did not know what she wanted to do.

In your last post, you say she was still acting like you pulled the plug too soon.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine what is going on in this woman’s head. How self absorbed can one be? This woman has toys in her head.

I think that once you are away from the constant strain of her drama you will be so much happier and healthier than you think you will be.

And you never will have to be civil with her again!

Lamenough – Focus on detaching. What her situation will be once the documents are signed should be of little concern to you. I know it probably will be – I guess that’s the price we pay for being decent people...

If you want to you can extend an opening to her GROWN children to maintain a relationship with you. Don’t know their age when you entered their lives and your present role. Maybe one or more will want to interact with you, maybe not. If you want to (and this is also your choice) then make them the offer of ongoing contact, but then allow them to respond. Let things develop organically from there.

Hi IAm,

How is the process of detaching going?
Especially those two significant steps:
1. The application:

I filed the application to formally end the marriage with the courts last week and there is now nothing she can do to stop the process. So as soon as this is processed by the court, probably in 3 to 4 weeks

I imagine that the application is being processed right about Now! and also....

2. The

transfer of house name and they expect to complete it in early September.

Are you going OK?
The final stages of divorce is a significant step and I can appreciate that you might still be experiencing the roller-coaster of emotions.
We are here for you if you want to chat.
Kind regards,
FAWH.

Hi FAWH, you have said it perfectly, these latter stages are an emotional roller-coaster, much more than I was expecting, and not helped by the fact that my STBXW seems intent on using this last opportunity to hurt me and try to get a reaction from me.

She phoned me last week to confirm she has taken some documents to my solicitor and to complain about how useless they are, she said I hope you are not paying them for being this useless, but all I thought was "yes, but it is worth every penny to end this marriage."

I have also recently donated various items of furniture to a local charity shop (more wiping her presence from MY house) and she has been in the shop and seen them. She sent me a picture of the table/chairs and said that she used to have a set like that, my first thought was to reply with "that was before you decided to s**g AP and go and live with him", BUT I did not send it to her, I sent it to a friend instead who is helping when I need to vent, and thought it was hilarious.

I took a deep breath and realised this is just another attempt to get an emotional reaction from me, perhaps something to show and talk about with her friends to illustrate she made the right decision because her H would write something like that, what a horrible person. No, not happening, I have maintained my dignity throughout this process (something that I take considerable pride in) and I have given her nothing to work with if she wants to blame me, so I did not reply, and very soon this will all be over and I will then go fully no contact and block her number.

Updates – my application to finalise the D has been delayed slightly because of their admin error, I am hoping to receive my court date this week, not that either of us need to attend, it is just a formality. So still hoping late Sept/early Oct.

Transfer of house – I have paid my solicitor the funds to transfer to STBXW, and paid their bill. They now have all the documents needed and this should be completed within the next few days, so I will soon be the sole owner of my home. That feels really significant, paying my mortgage off previously felt good, but that was the both of us. This is solely down to me, my decisions and my efforts and I am taking pride in achieving that.

As mentioned previously this process has left me penniless but by some very prudent budgeting, and how long the process has taken I am coming out the other side debt free, so no mortgage or loan to complete the process, all bills paid, fantastic feeling. In fact my budgeting was so good that I had enough money left over to buy myself a new watch, a divorce watch. I have bought myself a new Tag Heuer with a bright orange dial, I purposely chose that colour because it was so bright and that is now how I see my future. I am in sole charge of my life and my decisions, I have no responsibilities other than to myself and my cats and no one else’s unhappiness can affect me. Feels really good.

I was really good at being single before the marriage and I have no doubt that I will be really good at being single again, so bring it on.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 10:01 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

What a great message you just sent. Your current attitude is 180 degrees different than when you first arrived here.

Keep on keeping on and your head held high.

Good luck.

Hi IAm,

I'm smiling as I read your response.
Bring it on Brother.

That's a healthy attitude to the challenges of life.
Regards,
FAWH

I bought a divorce Tag Hauer as well!

Proud of you buddy, it only gets better from here.

And just like that it is all over.

I received my Final Order from the court yesterday to confirm that the marriage has ended, AND earlier today my solicitor confirmed that the property transfer has been completed.

Very mixed emotions right now as you would expect and need a few days to let this sink in and let myself settle down.

Some messages with my Ex-Wife (first time of typing that) yesterday in relation to the property transfer and she is clearly very very unhappy. Her responses were curt but the anger came through loud and clear. First time I really felt anger in her messages but not sure what else she expected. Not my problem any longer, I remained polite and dignified throughout and there should be no need for her to message me again.

It is a bit of a shame that it got difficult at the end but that was her doing not mine and I am not going to dwell upon it. In a way I find some amusement in the fact that she clearly has a problem with the fact we are now divorced, but that was her choice. She made her decisions and put me in a position where a D was the only option.

Anyway onwards and upwards, this process has been ongoing now for over 14 months and it does feel a little strange not to have to think about it anymore. Time now to focus on me, and make my life what I want to make it.

I would like once again to thank everyone who has commented on my story, there is no doubt whatsoever that you all made the process more bearable, and provided me with advice that proved invaluable. Thank you all very much.

Glad to read you have closure and you're happy

Once you have given yourself time to really heal I hope you come here on occasion to support new bs. You came through the tunnel to daylight and they need to know they can too.

Congratulations.

I was divorced over 20 years ago. I did nothing wrong. Married way too young. Poor choice of W. (My bad). My former w was cheating (I only realised this years later) and suffered from a serious and difficult mental health condition that I also only began to understand years later.

There are two things I wanted to pass on. Firstly, regardless of the wrongs done to me during and prior to the D process, I did feel a little low on the day the D came through. I felt that I had "failed" my kids and myself. Of course I hadn’t but that’s how I felt on the day. It was a strange feeling. Try and spend time with a friend that you can talk to. Someone who can empathise with you. It’s good you bought yourself a watch. Keep busy and travel, engage in a hobby or go out more. That’s what I did.

Secondly, cut your ex W off. Block her on all social media. Mine persisted in trying to stay involved in my life and winding me up. Some was inevitable due to our having 2 younger kids. She transferred the theatre of war to the kids, and it was very difficult until I changed lawyer and stopped this. You shd cut her off. There is little to be gained by engaging with her now that the D is done. Move on. Cut this cancer out. Easier said than done but you are now single and have no reason to engage with her. I actually moved country to move on and get a fresh start. This really helped me. It’s obviously not practical for most but you get the sense as to what I am saying.

Good luck! Sending you the best wishes for the future. You have handled this really well.

Hi IAm,

It's almost been a month since you received your final orders.
I love the way you handled your journey out of Infidelity.

Do you have any steps planned for the future to assist you as you adapt to your new normal?
Regards,
FAWH

Hi FAWH

Time, time and more time.

I have realised that after 18 months of always waiting for something, the next deadline, next court date, next document, I no longer have any timescale to work too and I can now take as much time as I want to process and heal, that was the biggest revelation post D.

Much more work on the garden as I change it into a lower maintenance space, and strangely found that some items in the house were now annoying me.

Silly things like I had kept a few decent cups for guests, left over from the M, now replaced with new. I do not understand why these things are suddenly bothering me but not dwelling on that, all small things so I am just replacing them and going with the flow of my feelings.

Seen a couple of mutual friends and as suspected ExWW is furious with me for finalising the D, apparently she did not think I would actually do it, but she has known me long enough she must have realised that as I had taken things so far I was not just going to fold at the last minute.

Who knows what goes through that woman's head. Also apparently she is very unhappy, very angry and is taking this out on everyone around her, including her friends and AP, that may not end well.

But not me because it is no longer my concern, and my happiness is no longer related to her mood and actions. We are maintaining NC and I intend to keep it that way.

ps, been moving the house round again, created a library, now have a combined office/wellbeing room and have a lounge/music room as I am learning to play a digital keyboard and electric guitar. Also fitted more neon lighting that is programmable to flash in various sequences.

So glad to hear from you and to hear everything is going well, more or less.

Your last post reminds me of my oldest brother. He found out about his wife's adultery after they divorced. She had thought she was going to marry her AP, but the AP left her flat when she became available.

Anyway, my brother did pretty much what you are doing. He kept their house in his divorce. He started changing everything around the way he wanted like you are doing. He ended up with a very large man-cave. He took up new hobbies and friends. He started dating after a couple of years. He did what he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. He became happy. It took a few years, but his last couple of decades were good for him. It was all a matter of attitude. He was determined to not let this setback or anything defeat him.

Bigger has a byline from one of the Stoics that describes this attitude very well.

Keep up this attitude and you will come out of this situation much better than before it occurred. I have seen this happen to others over these last 8+ decades. You are well on your way.

Great news IAM,
Thanks for sharing your update.
May you have many more "moments that take your breath away".

It sounds like some aspects of the emotional rollercoaster are diminishing as you settle into a new and delightful lifestyle.
I do love the concept of the lounge/music room - enjoy

May the coming months bring you increasing joy,
Regards,
FAWH