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Newest Member: 20yearsago

General :
Can one ever reconcile from this?

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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 1:16 AM on Tuesday, May 20th, 2025

When you compare this:

In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

To this:

What makes everything even more painful is that he is the kind of person who wouldn’t hurt a fly yet chose to hurt me so gravely.

Overall a complete rule follower, model citizen, kind to folks, helps out friends as needed, he certainly has the good guy image.

However, is severely conflict avoidant, risk-averse and generally the reserved and quite type. All of which have cost him in his career growth and a close friendship.

Its no wonder your inner compass is spinning. This is some next level duplicity, but you know what? Duplicity is always present at some level in betrayal. Its a common denominator, sometimes fueled/aided by cognative dissonance.

Where does all of this leave you? Since you have not started divorce proceedings, and based on your questions, it seems you are looking for a reasonable rationale to attempt reconciliation. To address the title of your post, can you reconcile? Its possible, but what is the probability of long term success with an acceptable level of happiness and fulfillment for you? The answer to that is complex and will involve years of grueling effort.

Im not going to pound on the stats debate which I find puzzling other than to say that when you are grasping for handholds, they can help bring some measure of clarity, especially when dealing with aberrant behavior on the part of your "spouse" that completely stuns you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:02 PM, Tuesday, May 20th]

"We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings."

~ Ovid

posts: 475   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8868687
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 Neva9643 (original poster new member #86078) posted at 12:08 AM on Saturday, May 24th, 2025

Thank you all for thoughtful comments. A lot of my own soul searching to do.

The way he talks to me now makes it sound like he was living with a blindfold on. How is it possible for someone to be so cruel and not realize it at all and then suddenly see it all and be all shame and guilt.

It’s mind boggling.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 12:08 AM, Saturday, May 24th]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2025   ·   location: California
id 8868987
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:29 PM on Saturday, May 24th, 2025

A number of members have reported the W turning on a dime. My W went from hiding her A to radical honesty literally overnight - she wen to bed on 12/21/2010 in the A, and when I woke up on 12/22, she was committed to ending the A and being totally honest. I believe she hasn't told a lie since then, and it's very refreshing. Knowing one's partner knows of the WS's failure as a human being and as a partner can be eye-opening.

We have several members who have thrived in both R and D after finding out their WSes were serial cheaters.

You have more power than you think. The best way to access that power and to use it on your own behalf (and that of your kids) is to focus on your healing. Don't try to control the outcome - let your R or D develop organically as you heal and as you observe your WS.

You can change yourself, and your WS can change themself, but you can't change your WS. So focus on yourself and watch your H.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31025   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8869009
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