SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello! I’m also new here and going through similar feelings. My husband of (almost) 29 years has been having an affair with the person I thought was my BFF.

My heart is broken, my marriage is broken, my trust is broken and I can’t even turn to ny "bestie" because I found out she’s also a fraud. It sucks to discover you’ve been living a lie (I still don’t know exactly how long this has been going on but I do know, now, it’s been years).

I wish I had some magic words that would make it better but, sadly there aren’t any.

My advice (well actually this is from my therapist but I’m claiming it for myself) focus on YOU for now. Not on what happened to you but what you need to get through each minute, each hour, each day. Identify your needs and find a way to achieve them…. That’s about all I’ve got to offer, except I’m so sorry you’re new here, too. (Hugs)

Sparkle

I too am a firm believer in truth, facts, and transparency. The trouble with long term affairs and affairs from the past (I dealt with both) is that there is no way for us to know everything, and there's no way for them to recall everything. Most people don't have a perfect memory, and even if they did, recounting every detail would take far too much time.

I once received the following sage advice: every time you have a question or a doubt about what happened, just assume the worst possible answer (worst from your perspective), then process how that makes you feel. React as if the worst case is the truth, and move forward from there.

If you are determined to stay with your wife and you want any semblance of a happy marriage with her, you have to stop thinking of her as a liar - a very loaded word. You say that you love her, but nobody can carry that label and feel loved. It's not much better than having a scarlet letter pinned to her clothes. The label isn't serving you, either, low tide. It will keep you trapped in a cycle of resentment and despair.

You seem to relish your pain at some level - maybe dig into why that is. What comfort are you deriving from having this unhealed wound? If you believe she is untrustworthy, then stop trying to trust her. If you believe she is incapable of honesty, then stop expecting her to be truthful. Accept that the tiger cannot change its stripes. Accept that you have chosen to love and live with a tiger, and sometimes it will purr and snuggle, and other times it will hurt you, because that is its nature. That doesn't make the tiger cruel or evil. It's just a tiger.

And similarly, at this point, your wife is who she is. If you are determined to love her, then love the person she is, not the person you want her to be.

SparkleDust. I'm sorry to hear that you, too, are new here and are experiencing similar feelings. Focusing more on myself and being the best version of me, rather than what happened, has indeed been helpful. However, I'm still struggling with intrusive thoughts and rumination. I have been using some of the tools others have shared with me here, such as the sand in the hourglass, and it's helping to some degree. I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and will explore these repetitive thoughts with him. I recognize that this is a journey toward healing, and that it is not going to be a linear process

NoThanksForThe Memories. Thank you for sharing with me. I have tried to assume the worst, in a sense, flooding, showing myself that I can handle anything. I agree that focusing on her being a liar is unhealthy and maladaptive for both of us. Instead, I have chosen to be transparent with her and share my feelings of ongoing discomfort and pain. I am also asking that she be transparent with me and honestly disclose more of her story as we move ahead. It's what I don't know that hurts the most, not what I do know.

The thoughts that run through my head because I don't know the truth about her over 12 years of infidelity continue to haunt me. I won't identify them here as I respectfully don't want to trigger others. However, I do know that I am deeply in love with my wife, my best friend since I was 17 and she was 15, and that we are not defined by what happened, but by how we choose to deal with it. Because I now have all of you, I feel that I am no longer alone, and this is helping me to feel safe

To whoever created SI, thank you. And to those who have responded to this thread, know how much I appreciate your wisdom and guidance.

Instead, I have chosen to be transparent with her and share my feelings of ongoing discomfort and pain.

Are you using that to try to manipulate her into giving you what you want? Or are you sharing your discomfort and pain with her in the same way you would if you were sharing it with a friend?

HouseOfPlane. Good question. I'm not trying to manipulate her. If I'm constantly thinking about what may have happened, I want her to understand where my 50-mile stare is coming from. And if she can fill in the gaps with some realities from the past that remain unresolved in me, I need her to do that to help me today. Transparency, after being trickled to death.

Apologies if this has already been asked.

What is your game plan if this is it? If she sticks to this version of her story? It’s been 25 years of you agonizing over this. This is certainly no way to live nor should you.

Is your love for her greater than your love for yourself and your mental well being?

No "game plan." My need to understand what happened in my life that has left me broken.

I am also asking that she be transparent with me and honestly disclose more of her story as we move ahead.

What if she can't? Literally, what if she isn't capable of disclosing any more than she has? My memories of things that happened 20-30 years ago are extremely vague. I know I went for a celebratory dinner after my college graduation. No idea what I ate. I know my first car was a green Honda Civic. No idea what I paid for it.

What did I wear on my 30th birthday? What happened on the first Mother's Day after I became a mother? When did I get my first job promotion? I literally cannot answer any of these questions. The only things I know for sure are what's written in my journal.

It's what I don't know that hurts the most, not what I do know.

low tide, can you list some of the questions you have? What is it that you don't know that's tormenting you so much? Don't worry about triggering us - we are here to carry each other through that.

Thanks for your inquiry, NoThanksForTheMemories.

Our situation was different than most. We were high school sweethearts who were never with anyone but each other—something I thought that we both prized. Unfortunately, weeks before our wedding day, my wife became involved with another man from work. "Slept" with him and continued to be with him intimately for at least two years—and in touch for the next 10, sending loving emails. To this day, she claims the only places she saw him were at work, "flirting," and at his apartment. I'll never believe that.

It was at this time that I came upon an email. My wife immediately contacted him and told him that they would have no further contact—in my presence. Something I have a hard time accepting, and I believe, appropriately so.

I have asked my wife over the past 25 years to share her "story" with me. And that's where the lies began. Every time she told me something, it was grossly inconsistent with what she said previously. As I have learned, I was "trickled to death."

Today, my wife shows me all the attention and love I can ask for. But this doesn't stop the daily intrusive recollections and rumination. This is my mind's attempt to fill in the inconsistent and untold events, and to make sense of the senseless.

This has not just been a thorn in my side. I tried to end my life 8 years ago due to the enormity of pain I was experiencing and the wrong cocktail of drugs that were prescribed by my then psychiatrist. It was not a suicidal gesture. It was a genuine attempt to end my life, and to this day, a part of me wishes I had. I was told I coded several times—I feel like I failed at that—and failed at being who she needed on the day of our wedding, and for at least a decade thereafter. Today, I live with chronic anxiety, obsessions, and on-and-off major depressive episodes.

I want everyone here to know how fortunate I feel to have you. Rather than beating my wife up with daily inquiries, I am turning to you. People who have walked a similar path. Please don't judge me. It honestly hurts more than it helps. Instead, please guide me as I try to find happiness. I welcome and appreciate your help.

3 weeks after DD my H offered to take a polygraph, I was adamant he was lying because things didn’t add up in my head. I phoned around and researched, I booked the best in the country, he went, he was interviewed first then examined, he passed.

Your W could write a statement, then could be asked on the polygraph if everything on the statement is true.

You deserve peace.

I'm feeling very depressed. Trying to stop the intrusive thoughts and act like I'm okay is not working. Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I need to numb the pain.

I am so sorry you are struggling. Your pain is just so overwhelming and controlling your life.

If your wife has been a good partner for so many years, I just hope you can see her last for what it was - her past. If she’s not had any reoccurring behaviors such as cheating, I hope one day you can forgive and understand that she didn’t cheat because you weren’t a great partner.

She cheated despite your being a great husband.

She may honestly think her lying is protecting you when in fact it has the opposite effect.

I hope you can one day start to heal from this. By healing I mean that you start to feel secure in your marriage and recognize the good things you have and if she’s never cheated again, that it was not who she is now.

The1stWife. What you wrote was exactly what I needed. Thank you. Feeling very alone and needing to escape this pain.

low tide, I'm so sorry to hear you tried to take your own life. I very nearly did the same and certainly spent years wishing I'd just die in my sleep to escape the pain of my emotions. In addition to my WS's 3 year long affair, I was also dealing with a debilitating and incurable condition that developed in the middle of the affair years. It was a lot.

Please know that you are not alone in this.

We try hard here not to judge but to support and provide guidance. Our questions and advice come from a place of wanting to ease your suffering, and it's clear that you are suffering a lot.

It sounds to me like you and your wife have love between you but not trust. It's not so much that you have specific questions, but rather that you don't believe what she's said. You think she is still hiding significant parts of the affair. Perhaps this is a result of trickle truth - it certainly had that effect on me, so I don't blame you if that's what you've concluded.

I don't know what to advise other than letting go of your need for the truth. My therapist had me envision it as a steering wheel - lift your hands away. I preferred the imagery of a balloon full of bad feelings/negative thoughts. In my mind's eye, I would watch it float away and feel some relief.

I will add that in my case, the love I had for my WS faded away, and I decided to separate and eventually divorce. When I moved into my own apartment, the death wish became much less insistent. When I decided to divorce, it finally disappeared for good. The other day, I felt genuinely, unconditionally happy for the first time in 5 years. I still get depressed sometimes, but I have freed myself from my internal conflict - I was fighting myself by trying to love someone who terrified me because of the all the pain he'd caused.

I still care about my WS, but he feels more like a family member. He's the father of my child. He's a decent human being in a lot of respects. He just has some serious problems when it comes to dopamine-seeking behaviors and emotional attachments. I have forgiven him. I no longer ask him about things, even when doubts arise, but that is because I have freed myself from having to rebuild with him.

There are others here who have taken a different path and managed to happily reconcile with their spouses. Ultimately, there is only so much your wife can do, whether it's by choice or by innate ability. There is only so much you can do, too, but you are in charge of yourself. You have trapped yourself between a very big rock (marriage with infidelity) and a very hard place (reconciliation without trust). No wonder you are in so much pain. Sending you solidarity and strength.

low tide,

You wrote

... and failed at being who she needed on the day of our wedding, and for at least a decade thereafter.

Please know that her infidelity was not a failure on your part *at all*. Her actions are her own. You do not have the pwer to make her cheat, lie or anything else.

i hope you are able to get some help when you see your psychiatrist.

NoThanksForTheMemories and Jason Ch. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

My wife and I are having no further conflict because I have chosen not to inquire further about her infidelity. But I continue with an internal battle of intrusive repetitive recollections and rumination. Last night was particularly painful until I took my evening psychotropic medications and went to sleep early with her.

One thought that I can't shake is her assertion that of the at least 12 years of infidelity, 2+ were they engaged in sexual relations—weeks before our wedding day and for the two years plus that followed she has maintained that the only place she ever saw him was at work, where they "flirted" with each other, and in his apartment. Beyond her obvious questionable judgment, to say the least, what kind of woman gives herself to a man who didn't take her out for dinner or provide anything more than flirtatious words in the office, and whatever he did in his bedroom? It doesn't add up in my mind, and these are the kinds of thoughts I can't shake.

As I have repeatedly shared, I need honesty and transparency about what happened for all those years. From everything I have read online from the experts, this is key to acceptance and moving on. I remain hopeful that with time, she will tell me the whole story, so my mind is not left trying to find the missing pieces of this puzzle of our lives.

Today, I am seeing my psychiatrist and will share the severity of my depression. We know what that means—increase the meds. And, on Saturday, we have an appointment to see a new psychologist whom she found. My concern is that if he is not familiar with working with infidelity, there's little chance of his helping us.

I need closure. I need honesty. I need to understand what really happened and for how long. I read that "Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can have next to losing a child." I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, but I also recognize that I am psychologically broken and I need to escape this pain.

It doesn't add up in my mind…I need closure. I need honesty. I need to understand what really happened and for how long.

Low Tide, I really do think you have all the information you need to understand all the important pieces of what happened and for how long.

You say you’ve been told things that don’t add up in your mind… well then what is the story that would add up in your mind? What narrative makes sense of the facts that you know?

You say your wife has told you continually changing stories over the years. If you think of those stories as a flashlight shined on a wall, it never shines on exactly the truth, but it casts a shadow. When you can see the outline of that shadow, and combine it with a story that actually makes sense, that actually adds up, then you are close enough to the truth.

Just want to thank all of you for being there for me. My wife and I met with my psychiatrist today and we concluded that due to my obsessive nature, it's best to only address my wife's infidelity in session together with him. "Rehearsing" the pain over 25 years after learning of her unfaithfulness is only fueling my pain.

My parting rhetorical question for you, friends, is how can we ever cope with reality when we don't know what the reality is? I maintain that without honesty and full transparency after infidelity, betrayal and deceit continue to destroy me.

I appreciate all of you. Thank you.