SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's exactly what I need to say and stick to.

I will do this!

You got this!!!!

Thank you!

After this weekend and getting over the initial shock of everything, I realize I’m sort of at peace with whatever outcome happens. I know I’m going to be OK because I am going to be firm in my questions and requests, I’m going to remember that my feelings matter, and above all else, whatever happens I’m going to do the right thing whether it’s with her or without her.

Everyone here has been so amazing and so helpful. I hope that I can provide some encouragement and help to other people like you all have for me.

Thank you!

After this weekend and getting over the initial shock of everything, I realize I’m sort of at peace with whatever outcome happens. I know I’m going to be OK because I am going to be firm in my questions and requests, I’m going to remember that my feelings matter, and above all else, whatever happens I’m going to do the right thing whether it’s with her or without her.

Everyone here has been so amazing and so helpful. I hope that I can provide some encouragement and help to other people like you all have for me.

Greetings everyone,

I made it home yesterday. My wife and I had dinner together and started our conversation. I let her start things and discuss her feelings for a while. I wanted to take all of that in and then I turned in for the night since I start work so early. Today will of course bring more conversation, and my questions will begin. Whatever happens as a result of our conversation/conversations, I know I'll be OK. I've got an amazing support system, including the group here and I'll get back to normal and work through this.

I'll post updates here as things happen.

Best of luck— you sound solid, and you have clarity. This is good.

Thank you friend.

Going to take this one hour, one day, one conversation at a time.

I'm putting me first this time. I will be kind, I will compassionate, I will try to understand as we have our discussions. But if my needs and requirements aren't met, then I can walk away from the marriage/relationship with my head held high, my dignity in tact, and move forward and upward.

My one recommendation is to make sure that you take notes and make sure she knows. Cheaters lie and a pen and paper is like krypyonite. It’ll help her from running you in circles when she starts being untruthful

Was planning on recording everything actually. That's part of my job (audio engineer) so I'll keep a detailed account of everything.

When I confronted my wife I secretly recorded the conversation because I knew there was no way I would remember everything verbatim and it's a good thing I did. Afterwards during conversations she tried the "I never said that" and "I never spoke to you like that" BS.

My suggestion is to record it secretly. She will act and speak differently if she doesn't know

That's my plan, write things down and make a recording.

We spent Sunday evening and yesterday when I was off of work together. We made a meal and started talking about things, the immediate future, what of our summer plans were still happening, etc. We talked about some practical things, her real estate course work (I am proud of her for sticking with that and getting ready to take her exams, genuinely I am).

I am quite surprised though that she said she spoke with her sister about all this. She's taken a big step by even talking with a family member about everything and she's set up consultation calls with a few potential therapist/counselors as well.

She said she wants to write everything out before we have the "conversation" about everything and all the details. She said she wanted to write everything out and share the details, the "who, what, where, when and why" for our conversation.

She's done this before with me, writing out her feelings when we've had big conversations (not wanting kids, moving, new jobs, etc.) and I believe this to be genuine of her and shows that she absolutely does not want to rush this. Maybe she's really trying to make sure she's going to get this right.

Pete, prepare yourself mentally to hear a worse case scenario, for instance, She didn't reconnect with some film crew guy from two years ago but in fact never unconnected and been seeing him ever since they met. Think about it, how do you reconnect with someone unless you were connected at some point. Also if this reconnection resulted in a make out session what happened 2 years ago when they first met? If you read here you easily see a pattern in a high percentage of betrayed posters that start with caught my wife texting a coworker and after 4 pages of posts it turns out it was a years long physical affair that would still be going unless caught. I hope I'm dead wrong with this doomsday scenario I just want to you to be ready to hear anything and everything.

I appreciate your POV on this. I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for whatever may come up.

At this point though, we've had some conversations, but we haven't had the big one yet. We tried to hang out yesterday, had dinner, watched some TV together, but now that our cat's been sick/acting strange, we've been keeping an eye on her and planning to get her to the vet.

Suffice it to say, it's got to happen soon or I'm going to pass out from stress. I slept so well at my dad's those 3 days/nights, and now I can't get more than 4-5 hours of crappy rest.

On a positive note, my wife has scheduled therapy appointments and she showed me the scheduling confirmations.

On a less positive note, I think I know which direction I'm headed even with her trying therapy.

To the other BS's in here, can I ask...

If you knew the AP's number, would you call them and ask what happened?

I ask because if my wife isn't ready to go into detail on everything and answer my questions, maybe I can/should get information from them? If they're willing and/or answer their phone?

Pete, you were going to have the talk on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday and it doesn't sound like you've gotten much in the way of information. Your wife may be just waiting you out in hopes that you'll just drop it and move on, amd that does appear to be what you're doing.

I know it's going to be a hard conversation, but I think it's a necessary one. I'd suggest you don't drag this out too much longer.

I don't think any good would come from contacting AP. I mean, it's not always bad, but in general most APs aware of a wayward spouse's married status aren't exactly the most upstanding or honest people you'll meet. It's possible, but unlikely you'll get much in the way of the truth. I personally wouldn't recommend it, but there have been rare cases of sympathetic APs who didn't know a WS was married and wanted to do the right thing. Those are very few and far between. I think it would be far better to just get the truth from your wife.

Do you have any idea if she's still in contact with him? Do they work together or run in similar social circles? Has she sent a no contact message?

That may be best.

I don't think I will contact him after all.

I think she's panic called him once or twice when we argued on the 29th of May. (the night she came home after work real late and went to stay with our friends) But I don't know if she has since. I've resisted checking our cell phone bill and usage logs, but I think I might have to check them now. She said she broke off contact with him and hasn't seen him since I confronted her on May 18th.

[This message edited by petecarparts at 2:51 PM, Wednesday, June 10th]

It's all about your comfort level but I would imagine getting the truth is a coin toss, completely your call. Have you mentioned a polygraph to your wife? A lot of times just the expression on their face and their resistance to it tells you everything you need to know. Good luck with everything.

I haven't mentioned a polygraph test to her. But I think with the amount of stress I've dealt with since DDay, I might just have to leave again.

We were supposed to go to pittsburgh this weekend for a horror movie convention with our friends. But I don't think I can be "normal" in front of them and not just start crying about all this. I think I might just start packing and get over to my dad's to live there a while. I was so hopeful earlier this week. When she showed me her therapy appointment schedule, when she started talking about how she's been feeling.

But I think I'm going to crumble soon if I don't get my questions answered. I need to get to the bottom of this or I'm just going to have to walk away. Reconciliation be damned if I can't feel safe, if I can't get the truth.

You and your health are top priority right now, drink lots of water, get on your bike, hang with Dad etc. That being said when you are strong enough you should have all your questions answered and you shouldn't be afraid to ask them. She owes you at least that.

It’s been days and no progress or sit down discussion has occurred.

As I stated earlier, if she were truly remorseful she would not wait days to speak with you or answer questions. She would not be delaying giving you what you need right now. She would not be hoping that this just all but disappears or is swept under the rug.

If YOU continue to chase her, she has the upper hand.

I’d suggest that you let her know you are going to your father’s home and she has X number of days to step up. If nothing changes or happens to meet YOUR needs (initiated by her), you will make your decisions for your future accordingly.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:20 PM, Wednesday, June 10th]

Thank you.

I needed to hear that.

I have to stand my ground.