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I need to get something off my chest because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. My husband went hunting today with our daughter, and after they left, I noticed his iPad was still at home. We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to. But I gave in and looked at his email, where I found a Cash App receipt for $25 sent to someone I didn’t recognize.

When they came back because he forgot something, I asked him about it, and he was confused, asking how I knew. So, I had to admit that I looked at his iPad. At first, he was upset, saying he’s not hiding anything, but then he said if checking makes me feel better, it’s okay and that he understands. He explained the transaction was a donation to his old high school, with proof.

While his response was understanding, I still feel really upset. I hate that I feel so suspicious all the time. My therapist says it will get better, but I’m constantly afraid that something bad is going to happen.

[This message edited by AdLarue17 at 8:25 PM, Saturday, October 19th]

Your response — as uncomfortable as it is — is very, very normal. It takes a while, it a takes many actions by your WS to start to feel some level of ‘safe’ again.

I hated, hated checking my wife’s phone.

It turned out to be helpful. Some of her standard responses in work emails and texts showed her boundaries still needed work, despite all of the other things she was trying to change.

It’s been five years, maybe a bit longer since I have asked to check my wife’s phone, and I’m glad.

At some point, I learned to trust my response if anything did go wrong, I stopped worrying about whether the M would make it. And my wife kept working hard and the give a little trust, get a little, was a painfully slow path back, but we got there.

I don’t play detective anymore, and my wife, to this day, goes out of her way to keep me updated on her schedule.

However, those first few years, I understood my brain was trying to protect me the best it could. For me, early on, there was no such thing as an overreaction, I was still in flight or fight mode. Infidelity is serious trauma.

Be patient with yourself, best you can.

It’s so hard isn’t it! We want so bad to be able to trust again but they have damaged us so bad. I don’t look in his phone as much anymore but I still check his Snapchat counts (or whatever you call it) to see if it increases and I still drive past his work sometimes to check his car is there when he should be.

I often wonder if living like this will ever stop now, like will I always need to be checking on him about things. It is such a shit way to live 😫

We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to.

To me this reads as it gives him the chance to scrub it but that could be my own personal trigger/projection here.

I'm glad in the end the communication between the two of you was beneficial.

It will get better - proven behavior over time is what it takes.

We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to.

To me this reads as it gives him the chance to scrub it but that could be my own personal trigger/projection here.

I agree. That's a crap boundary for a WS to set. It's good that he understood and is okay with it. Why not change the boundary to you being able to look whenever you like? He gave you good reason not to trust him, and checking his devices helps rebuild the trust he destroyed.

Oh I can ask to look whenever I like. If I ask, he hands his phone right over instantly. He just doesn’t want me to sneak and look. Which I guess does sound suspicious… I mean he was sneaking around. But I’m ok with it mostly because if I ask, he has always immediately handed it over.