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My D-Day was in July, with my four-year live-in boyfriend. I found out there were multiple ongoing emotional and physical affairs with three other women. I made plans to move out after a week of hysterical type emotional and physical bonding. During that week, I demanded that he replaced the mattress and he agreed.

I stayed with my daughter (In the house that I owned and she was renting) during the month and a half it took for my apartment to be available, and then the house burned down. I lost my kitties, and thankfully everyone was OK, but it’s a total loss. My boyfriend and I had still been seeing each other, and talking about the possibility of reconciliation. After the fire, he was incredibly supportive.

Since D-Day, he has done everything I’ve asked, and has full transparency, including location, sharing and access to his phone and answering all of my questions. He is also in individual therapy minimum once a week. He immediately cut off contact with affair partner. After the fire, I moved back in with him for financial reasons, and we have been getting along very well. He has been great, and reconciliation is absolutely part of my game plan.

However, there is one sticky item – he had agreed previously to replace the mattress at his own expense, and now he is asking for me to contribute to it. His position is that I will be benefiting from it as well. My position is "get bent, I’m not paying to replace the mattress that you fucked other women on." These conversations have been calm and rational, but we can’t seem to resolve it.

I’m looking for some of your thoughts here – part of it is that I feel he hasn’t paid any real consequences for what he did. Due to circumstance, I’m right back where I was, and while everything has honestly been wonderful. It still feels like he didn’t get hurt as badly as I did.

I understand that he feels tremendous guilt and shame, and that he is doing a lot of hard work to fix what he did. However, he hasn’t told anybody, including our mutual friends (that are more his friends) so he skipped out on any social consequences. I am not at all vengeance person, but I just feel like maybe paying $2000 for a mattress could be some thing that helps me feel better and less like I’m being taken advantage of.

Thoughts?

It will be HIS mattress, in HIS house that you are not a permenant resident of. Yes, you are requesting the replacement, but if he can’t fully understand why that needs to remove trigger material, it’s a bad sign for true remorse.

How sad. He’s not keeping to his word. So soon in the throes of Dday and perhaps Reconciliation, he’s already backtracking when he should be doing everything possible to make amends.

Not a good sign IMO.

"We wouldn’t need a new mattress if you hadn’t fucked other women on it. It’s on you to remedy that situation. If you don’t understand why that’s a sticking point, we’re done here."

I demanded that he replaced the mattress and he agreed.

If he's in financial difficulty, a loan or delay may be reasonable. Otherwise, if he won't meet his commitment, I'd be very concerned, and I might go as far as just dumping a WS who did that so soon after d-day.

I don't think my W would have pulled something like that. I think she'd have discussed her problem if she couldn't meet the commitment. I don't see her telling me how not meeting a commitment would benefit me.

My position is "get bent, I’m not paying to replace the mattress that you fucked other women on."

I think that is pretty well said. If he truly wants reconciliation, he needs to step up.

FWIW, I didn't ask that our mattress be replaced, but that was because I wasn't about to let my WS's actions take away something that was mine. However, if that had been her mattress, and she cheated on me using it, I'd have never slept on it again.

You were 100% right in having the mattress replaced. How were you expected to sleep on that.

I had a similar situation. I left after d day for a trip and told her I wanted the bed replaced. The service in my area is super quick and they can do it in a few days or even hours. When I got back the new mattress and box springs were in place, but we had a super expensive leather headboard that matched the other furniture in the room. I asked WTF was that? She said she thought I just meant the bed and that this was custom and would be difficult to replace. I went down and got the some garden thing that I used to hack weeds and I went to town on it.

The headboard destroyed pretty much symbolized our marrige.

My position is "get bent, I’m not paying to replace the mattress that you fucked other women on."

This is an excellent position. Bravo!

And the fact that he's going back on that shows you exactly who he is and it not good. If he's not keeping his word about something so basic as this - I fear for a future with him.

I'm sorry.

The fact that he’s nikeling and diming you over the mattress he promised to replace— especially after your fucking house burned down and you lost everything— tells you all you need to know.