SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

January 2024 I found out my husband had been having an affair for just over a year with his colleague. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and we also had a 2 year old. When I found out he moved out for a couple of months however insisted that he was clear that he wanted nothing to do with the affair partner and wanted to fight for our marriage. My husband moved back in before the baby was born. January 2025 I found out that my husband continues to seep with his affair partner after discovery day but insisted it ended before he moved back in, I also found out that he slept with another one of his colleagues during the time he moved out. Our whole town knows about the affair (everyone knew before me) I can’t go to the shops or do the school drop off without seeing someone that knows, it’s so humiliating.

Our marriage was not bad at all, we were actively trying for our second child, making future plans, booking holidays, telling each other we loved each other, very sexually active, looking at moving house etc so for me I literally had no suspicion that he was having an affair, he was just working lots of overtime in a new job so I didn’t find it strange.

I am still in the worst place mentally. I struggle with daily life. The affair and all the details go through my mind every minute of every day, making it so hard to concentrate on anything else. I feel like I have nothing to talk about with anyone (even my husband) because all I think about it the affair. I think about how much I hate my life and the only good thing is my children who I love so much. But then I think about how their childhood and life’s have also been ruined,

When does it get easier? When will I stop thinking about it? When will the noise in my head stop

Hi snowdrop. So sorry you had to find this but glad you did it. It’s really late so I don’t have time to write more but I wanted you to know you’ve been heard and others will be along to offer some help. For now, please read in the healing library and read other posts and just found out forum. You’ll find some great resources there. And just know that it’s still early days for you. This takes a while to get through. And a lot of it has to do with how much your WS is helping out. Take care of yourself and bring those resources. And trust that you’re going to get through this.

Snowdrop, you need to accept that your ws is a cheater. Not once, but twice, and possibly more. That, sadly, is the reality of everyone on here. The name of this forum is SurvivingInfidelity, and that can mean different things.
1. There is true reconciliation because the ws does the work and become the person they should be
2. The ws continues the affair/cheating and because of issues like financial, health, age etc. the bs stays. Usually very unhappy.
3. The ws leaves for the AP.
4. The bs leaves.

It is what you can tolerate. It is whether your ws grows up and behaves himself. Getting out of infidelity is very personal. You will get very good suggestions. Read them all. There is great wisdom here.

My concern is always the health of the bs. The kind of stress you are under will eventually become a chronic illness. I have read chronic fatigue syndrome is from long term stress. Digestive issues, headaches, susceptibility to general illnesses are often what happens to bs. My suggestion is defined by whatever you need to find to get yourself into a healthy place because you are a parent.

First, you've experienced 2 d-days about 12 months apart. That's trauma on trauma. You're 2-3 months from the 2nd trauma - that's usually a very bad time. You've got an infant and a toddler depending on you. I'm sure you're getting some joy from your kids, but their requirements are so very stressful.

Of course you feel awful.

My reco is to feel the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever that comes with being betrayed multiple times and let the feelings flow out of your body. That usually takes some alone time, which is very difficult to get with kids, so give yourself time and grace.

*****

I know it's normal to feel humiliated - but you didn't fail. Your H did. He cheated to avoid resolving his own issues, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

So hold your head high when you go out in your village. Some people will snicker, and they'll regret it if they become BSes. But many people will have sympathy for you because they know you didn't fail - your H did.

*****

Are you in IC? A good therapist can help.

What sort of support do you have? Emotional support from friends? Practical support for child care and household chores?

Do you know if you really want your H back? Or are you uncertain about R/D? Or do you want to dump your H?

*****

There are a bunch of 'bull's-eyed' posts at the top of this forum. I urge you to browse them - you may find a lot of help that speaks to yu.

Also, I recommend reading https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/. That article lives in 'The Healing Library', and I recommend browsing there, too.

*****

Go for healing yourself first. Don't worry about R or D. The healthier you get, the better the outcome will be. No matter what, have some faith in yourself to heal. That will take longer than you want it to take. Progress will probably start very slowly. But you will heal.

First and most important:
They cheat despite us – not because of us.
If you look at the gossip columns and any of those tacky social magazines then every third story is about how some beautiful celeb is separating from their beautiful partner because they had sex with the housekeeper, a prostitute, the personal trainer... Basically people we though had everything cheating on someone we thought had everything with someone that may or might not have anything.
So you go out and hold your head up high. It’s not you who cheated, broke vows, wasted family money, risked your career... It’s all on HIM.

Second:
What sort of job is he in where you not only find one person to cheat with, but then a second?
Do you feel safe with him there?
What is his role there that gives him this pulling-power?
Is his job unique or special in any way? How hard would it be for him to get a new job?

Third:
Pause all future plans. Especially the second child. This man cheated while you were pregnant, and the birth of his first child didn’t stop him. All a second child will do is make you more chained to him.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. Some resources that may help you are the posts pinned to the top of the forum. There are some that aren't pinned but can be identified by the bull's eye icon on the post. The Healing Library has a lot of great information. Here's one that talks about mind movies and tips to help you stop thinking about them:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist may be able to help. The mind movies & lack of concentration (and probably other things you haven't identified yet) are due to the betrayal trauma you have suffered. Your WH (wayward husband) should have therapy to work on becoming a safe partner. How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass are good starting points for him, too.

If you are having trouble with sleeping or depression, you may need some meds to help you through this tough part. Also, you should be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases that can turn into cancer and cause other health issues, in addition to the stress that Cooley mentioned.

For me, it was about a year before the mind movies started to back off. I had nightmares for 3 years (several, almost every night), and after the nightmares stopped, I was able to get to a place where I felt like I was going to be ok.

Infidelity is the worst.

I am so sorry you're here, Snowdrop92. Please don't get pregnant with this man. That's the last thing you should do.

When I found out he moved out for a couple of months however insisted that he was clear that he wanted nothing to do with the affair partner and wanted to fight for our marriage. My husband moved back in before the baby was born. January 2025 I found out that my husband continues to sleep with his affair partner after discovery day but insisted it ended before he moved back in, I also found out that he slept with another one of his colleagues during the time he moved out.

If he's like 99% of all other cheaters, and he is, he's lying. All cheaters are liars, although not all liars are cheaters.

When he told you he wanted nothing to do with his affair partner he was lying. The only thing stopping him from seeing her is if he gets bored of her, meets someone better, or if she tosses him out.

If he really was seeing a second woman, there will be more. There is nothing to stop him if there is nothing in his internal makeup to make him stop.

Your story is heartbreaking. And your pain is kicking your butt (rightfully so).

I’m not going to comment on your H and whether he may or may not cheat again. But I want to provide some insight into his choices and behavior.

He’s somewhat of an idiot for cheating during your separation. Not going to say that choice should be a warning sign to you. The fact he used a separation as a "hall pass" doesn’t bode well for him.

It is hard to accept the idea that he didn’t cheat ON YOU because of you. Just like my H didn’t cheat on me b/c I want "good enough".

Your H cheated because he needed an ego boost or lack of coping skills or something - but it had nothing to do with you. But unfortunately YOU are the victim in all of this.

I am sorry you had to endure all you did.

But recognize your H has some serious issues that allowed him to think it was ok to cheat AND inflict pain on you that may never heal.

Unfortunately the healing process is slow. But healing yourself has NOTHING to do with forgiving your CH. It’s about acceptance of what happened and then deciding if this is something you can accept AND still remain married.

Reconciliation should only occur if you can remain married and be happy. I am 12 years from Dday and I didn’t start to feel really happy until year 3 of R. I would have moments of joy but then there would be moments of pain too. Bit in the end it was with it to R because I made some significant changes in my life.

I finally learned to put myself first. Not my H. Not my marriage.

I hope this helps you. You will survive this. We all do. Just have faith in yourself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:21 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]

I want to add that if your H has continued to contact other women w/out being upfront and honest about it, he’s still lying and cheating.

I don’t care if the messages are professional and not personal. He still needs to change his behavior.

If the messages are outside of work and personal, then he is continuing to lie and cheat (IMO) and disrespect you.

Read up on the 180. It is there for a reason.

We have been together for 15 years and I never thought he was capable of something like this.

He stared a new job as a police officer and he had only been working in the police for 1 year until the affair started. Both women are also police officers. However he doesn’t work on the same shift patterns as them anymore so doesn’t come into contact with either.

The baby is coming up to 1 now. It’s been 15 months since discovery day 1 and 3 months since discovery day 2. The second affair was more of a one night stand whilst he was moved out where the first affair lasted just over a year.

My worry is how normal he was with me whilst he was having the affair. The lying and sneaking around came to him so easily. I found out she had stayed over at our house and been in my hot tub whilst I was visiting my sister. We were actively trying for our second baby (I didn’t have a clue at this point) which confuses me.

Affair partner number 1 sent me pictures of them together and screenshots of their messages of him saying how much he loved her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

I know I can take as long as I want to decide if I want to stay together or get a divorce but I also hate the thought of wasting my time sitting on the fence. 😔

Don’t worry about the messages.

He’s been lying to you, and no doubt lying to them, to get what he wants.

If you are done, you are done. If you want to take time, take time. This forum should never push divorce unless we feel the bs/children are in danger, or have so much stress that their health is compromised. At that point we can get kind of pushy because we know what’s coming.

Making the best decision for you and your children is never a waste of time so don't worry about the time it takes to make that decision.

What has he done to show you he is committed to reconciliation? His words obviously don't me anything so what actionable things is he doing to prove this time will be different? I believe that the significance of the reconcilliation attempt is a strong indicator of which path you take. If he shows little to no remorse, no motivated attempt to fix this, sort of brushes it off then you have your answer in my opinion. What is interesting to me in this scenario is you were close with him during the A so with the job he has it sounds like he gets his kick from power/control. This is a character trait that I don't think makes a recipe for a successful M post A but that is just me.

He is doing things such as talking to me about it whenever I want and answering my questions. He has taken full responsibility and hasn’t tried to put any blame on me or the relationship. He shows me his shift patterns in work and FaceTimes me when he is working. He lets me look at his phone whenever I want and he also shares his location with me so I can see where he is. He is providing me with lots of reassurance telling me it’s me he wants to be with and putting in a lot of effort into the relationship but spending all of his free time with me and the kids and he has put lots of effort into planning date days and nights for us both. He has also made an effort to support me at home with the cooking, cleaning and childcare.

The only thing he just won’t seem to do is organise couples counselling which is something I am very keen to do.

I know lots of people say he is a liar and that’s it but he was never someone who would be able to do this to me for our whole relationship and suddenly he starts a new job in the police and is able to change so drastically and abandon all of his values and morals. It confuses me so much because honestly he was never this kind of person.

Snowdrop I have sent you a message

Snowdrop, please take care of yourself so you can take care of your child and find your path forward. The hardest part about the pain and trauma of the early stages it trying so hard to find answers or cling to something to believe in. The desperate thought cycles went on for months for me, but I was still unraveling the betrayal and being lied to, so my gut knew better than my head for a while there. Try to slow your breathing and find a mantra that helps get you through. Mine was Be Here Now, focusing on the moment, not the past weeks or year or worrying about the future ahead. Keep loving your child and they will be fine, take that worry of ruining your child’s life off the table and just focus on being present as much as you can. A child’s love can help heal your broken heart.

Please take the advice given often here and let MC concerns go for now. There is no process that can fix a marriage when one of the partners has disastrous issues with honesty, fidelity, integrity - you can’t work on a marriage filled with secrets. Ask me how I know. It was partly my WH’s reactions in MC that helped me see past his facade and realize he did not have rebuilding an honest marriage as his goal, but to bury the truth and not face the consequences of his choices or to help me heal. Self preservation and saving face were my WH’s goals in MC, and once I realized he was not going to be an active participant, I went back into IC and asked him to please go to sort himself out. He did not, and has claimed to be a changed person, swears he will never cheat again, but my trust is long gone. Being the most loving and trusting person I could be did not help us, because this was not a Me problem but a Him problem. Your H has not earned the right to fight for you back until he fights to find a better version of himself first.

As to the whole town knowing, this may not help, but I felt shame even when people didn’t know, because I felt ashamed, but I did nothing wrong and neither did you. Try to hold your head up high, and know there may be so many others who secretly walk in your shoes. I think those that knew about us either thought I was either a saint or a fool for staying, but I’m way past caring about anyone’s judgment of me now. Also, I can confirm that moving far away did not fix anything except the scenery around our troubles. Try hard to shrug off that small town glare.

The hardest advice I ever got here was that healing takes time. I took much longer than average to find my way back to myself, and I’m still finding my way to a happier mental place, given the curveball my WH threw at my life. I still struggle to comprehend how he could love me and hurt me so much. I still very much miss the life I had before I found out my marriage was a sham, but I don’t miss sleeping cluelessly with a sneaky stranger. I am much stronger and wiser than the wife who crumbled into shock when she found out her husband was not who he pretended to be.

Cry when you need to and when you can, and then get a drink of water and get moving, get outside, get outside of your head. You are stronger than you know. Keep coming back here for support and suggestions and to find your support group within this group, those who share a similar story or timeline. It helps immeasurably to have someone really understand what you are going through. But also find support in those who are much farther on the journey and gain hope and strength from their stories of personal growth to building a better life. Give yourself grace and time. Worry about yourself, make your WH deal with his self and love that baby and yourself all you can. Best to you.

We have been together for 15 years and I never thought he was capable of something like this.

This sums up most of us here at SI.

I don’t want t to give false hope and obviously I don’t know your cheater. But I am one of the lucky ones who have happily reconciled.

I went against my better judgment. I fully planned to D my H after his second affair, a midlife crisis affair where he kept saying he was D me.

It’s been almost 12 years and we are very happy. However his affair and kicking me to the curb changed me. And he has also changed.

The difference for me is I always have a plan B ready. Money in the bank. Moved to a house I can afford on my own. Car in my name paid for in cash (by me). Copies of all our financial documents. My own social life. My own hobbies and interests.

That gives me security. And was the reason I could give Reconciliation another chance.

Maybe your H has changed. Maybe he is no longer the lying cheating jerk he was. Time will tell. But this time can be spent focusing on YOU.

You can choose to try to R but always change your mind later.

And I always say it’s not the affair that kills the marriage it’s the behavior after the affair that often does.

I just saw your last response and wanted to add that my WH was also never the kind of person who would do this sort of thing. Until the internet showed him an ad for no strings attached cheating and he was off to the races. Your WH never would have done this until he found himself in a situation where he could. With both our spouses, it seems that all they needed to abandon the morals we thought they had was the opportunity.

I had to accept that my WH was always the kind of person capable of this, he was raised with the skills to make this easy to rationalize for himself, and my perception of him has shifted so much in the last few years. When you stop seeing your mate as the person you idealize them to be and start seeing what they are trying to keep hidden from you, it can be sobering. I didn’t realize my WH was even capable of the selfishness and petty resentments that let him decide being with other women was worth more than our marriage, or me. I didn’t want to see it, and now I can’t unsee it. It has changed our dynamic completely and I call selfishness or carelessness out anytime I get a whiff now. He will treat me with the respect I treat him or I will find happiness on my own. It’s a huge shift in our marriage balance, and I have changed so much but I am grateful for the strength I have found so far.

You will get to a point in your healing where you value yourself as much as you do your marriage or your WH. Also, try not to put too much weight on the digital transparency, the checking in and love bombing. I got all that and more while the A continued, because my WH was not ready to give up his M or his A. I fell for every bit of it, and forgot to focus on him figuring out what kind of person he wanted to be and how hard he was wiling to work to get there. I just wanted it fixed and my life back. It’s not that easy.

Keep reading the resources here and take care of yourself.

ps I’m not sure if you can private message other members until you have hit a certain number of posts - 50 maybe?