SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning, friends.

I just bounced over from my post in the General forum. I was astutely advised that I might be less triggered here.

Long story short. I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 17. I've never been with anyone but her, and now I'm 62 and she's 60. Weeks before our wedding day, she "slept" with a "man" from work. She was reportedly intimate with him for at least 2+ years and maintained contact via phone and letters through at least 12 years after our wedding—25 years ago.

Despite her actions, I am in love with her, and we are working to make things work—now, seeing my psychiatrist together.

Here is my problem, and I'm hoping to have the benefit of some of your insights: My wife has never told the same story twice. Every single time she speaks about him, there is a changing narrative. I’m having difficulty coping with reality, when I don’t know what reality is. Without honesty and full transparency, I feel like her changing stories are a continued betrayal.

How do you suggest I cope with this?

Thank you.

low tide,

I'm sorry that you are struggling. It's an issue that many others, including myself, found difficult. I followed your other post. It's a general rule at SI that one post should not refer to or discuss another post, but I hope I'm allowed a small amount of lee way here.

I would encourage you to separate actual facts of the affair from interpreted narratives that include motivation or feelings. For example, in the other post you stated that your WW's story doesn't make sense because she has said that the AP only saw each other at work or to have sex at AP's apartment. It sounds like she has maintained that as a fact for years. You said it doesn't make sense to you because you don't understand how or why anyone would do that. Ok, I agree with the statement to the extent that I wouldn't do many of the things a wayward does or think and feel the way they do. But that doesn't mean much. With my WH, I have learned that we often weren't thinking or feeling the same. His reality was not mine, and it's still not a full match with mine. Maybe it's a little closer after 9 years out. I can't definitely know.

I have spent hours reading from waywards here and on adultery forums trying to understand. I might have a slightly better understanding. All waywards are not all the same for one thing. Reading from one may or may not give insight to another wayward. At some point, I did throw up my hands and concede that I don't fully understand his affair and probably never will. Some of it seems crazy illogical. I can accept that.

Another thing that has confused me with reconciliation is that my WH's internal narrative of himself before, during, and after the affair changed through therapy and introspection and time. As an example, your wayward may initially say the motivation for the affair was about having fun and an escape. Later, they may focus more on why they thought they needed an escape and what was going on in their past and their other relationships. It sounds like a new story, but it's a deeper understanding of themselves. But I don't know. My impression is that your WW is not particularly introspective or undergone therapy. Maybe she won't get there.

Anyway, those two examples above are different than her changing physical facts of the affair or the individual facts being something that is physically possible.

Good morning, KitchenDepth5551.

Thank you for sharing. While I may not fully understand your impressions, I appreciate your interest and compassion in revisiting my story and trying to help.

I can't explain why I remain obsessed with my wife's infidelity. Particularly in light of the fact that it reportedly ended 25 or so years ago. The only thing that eats at me every day, and I shared in our first session with my psychiatrist yesterday, was that I’m having difficulty coping with reality, when I don’t know what reality is. My wife's disclosures about her infidelity are always different (e.g., where, when, why....). Without honesty and full transparency, I feel like my wife's changing stories are a continued betrayal.

I'm wondering if others who have pursued reconciliation have or continue to experience this. My best and closest friend, my wife, continues to lie, leaving me feeling vulnerable and hurting.

Can someone offer me help in overcoming this obsession? Someone who has walked this path.

—Trickled to Death

I apologize if I misunderstood. The only example you have given is one where you don't believe her details because they don't make sense to you. That's not a changing detail or trickle truth to me. It's you not accepting that detail as fact. It may not be fact or it may be fact.

I have not experienced my WH changing major details of what, where, and when facts, past an initial full disclosure period. Maybe small additions or minor modifications, so maybe I'm not the best person to respond. There aren't any facts that conflict in his story. However, the why has changed over time. I don't consider that the same.

I would not be able to reconcile if I did not believe I had the majority of the physical events. I don't think I will get all the minor details. Obviously, I draw a line somewhere about what is major or minor. I don't know if I'm getting the majority of the truth about why and everything he was feeling and thinking. There's no way to verify that. I trust I am. I don't understand it though.

You consider your wife's incapacity to tell the truth an illness, perhaps mental illness? That means she has no agency in the telling of the truth. Therefore, she has no responsibility, right? And your marital vows say that you will stay with her through that. I don't see any choice in that situation for you. If she has no capacity to tell the truth, and you are staying; find some way to let it go. I don't have advice for how. I wouldn't do that.

In my opinion if her answers to the same questions keep changing then she is just lying to you to protect herself. A wise man once said tell the truth and you have nothing to remember, well that holds true

Your brain will not be able to move forward if it believes it doesn't know the true answers to your questions. Different people need to know different amounts of information in order to move forward. Some people want every minute detail of the affair and others want just Broad Strokes

How can you put Faith in her desire to reconcile if you believe she is lying? The answer is you cannot.

You can sit down and tell her that this relationship is not repairable if she cannot tell you the truth and if she can't then you need to look at ending it

Many WS's will trickle truth because they fear giving you too much information will make you leave but constantly wondering if you don't know everything or that you've been lied to will just destroy the relationship