SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 41 years old, and I've been with my wife for 22 years, married for 12. We'd been distant and arguing for the last 4-5 months. I discovered last week that she has been talking to another guy for the last 5 months. She has so far claimed it was just a friendship, a guy to cry to when I wasn't listening, that may have gone too far, she started having feelings for him, and admits he was clearly looking for more, and she was leaning in his direction when I found messages she had with her sister on her phone about him. So I confronted her, maybe a bit angry, as this is not the first time she's had an emotional affair, but this is the first that was this long, or her admitting any kind of feelings for him. Admittedly I'm terrible at expressing my emotions, but I manage to when given the chance. I just started therapy to try and help with that.
Since I found out my mind is racing with the worst possibilities, I can't sleep. Now I don't know what to do, she deleted the messages so i don't know how bad they really were, she said not that bad, but how do i believe her, we've yet to have a real discussion.
I can't imagine my life without her, we have an 8 yr old son together, I love my family, and I love my wife, probably more than I should. I know I want to make it work, but am I being ridiculous, she's the love of my life, how can I stop this cycle.

Ouch, that's rough. Sorry you found yourself here, and you'll find a lot of support among the members. Most of us have some story to tell and there's a lot of overlap. The common theme is that cheaters all follow the same playbook. So you'd be right not to trust your wife. The fact that she deleted everything should be your line in the sand. I would tell her "you broke my trust by lying to me every single day and hiding your affections to another man. You had so many opportunities to do the right thing, but you failed at that. And when you had a chance to clear the air about any misconceptions, you chose to delete the evidence. I no longer consider you to be a safe partner, and I will be keeping my distance from you to protect myself."

And then you ignore her in regards to anything but issues surrounding the house, finances, or kids.

The messages can be professionally recovered. Let her know tomorrow that recovering them is a condition for staying in the marriage in no uncertain terms.

Her reaction will tell you what you need to know anyways. A reconciliation candidate would run through a wall to help heal the abuse she’s put you through. One who protests, well, we all know the reasons that she would.

Also check her phone for side apps

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're going through this. Infidelity pain is the worst. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some unpinned posts that are identifiable by their bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has lots of great resources.

Does your IC have experience with betrayal trauma? The mind racing and inability to sleep are affects of betrayal trauma on your brain. Be sure to discuss this with your therapist. If you think that you may need meds to help during this rough time.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC as well to work on her whys. She should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. NJF has a really good chapter called Windows and Walls that goes over boundaries. For example, you should have windows (transparency) between the two of you. You build walls (boundaries or protections) with others outside of your relationship to help maintain the relationship between the two of you.

You may wish to set some boundaries, as she seems to repeat this awful behavior rather than trying to fix the underlying issues.

Sorry you're here.

Why delete if not incriminating?

Definitely an EA, maybe a PA.

It's easy to blame yourself because it gives you a sense of control. It's just totally false. Your actions do not control her behavior.

See my signature and think on it.

Does she use an iphone? If so her messages could be backed up to her icloud but if she is tech savvy she would have deleted them.

I only saw the messages from the day I discovered what my wife was doing with her co-worker because she was deceitful enough to remember to delete them everyday just before she left work. I checked her iPad while she was at work and since it was synced to her phone I saw the messages

When I asked her what else they had said to each other the response has always been I don't know I don't remember. She said what you saw today was the worst of it but I will never know if that is the truth. At one point she said you are giving this way too much weight, it was just fun flirting but the next day when she walked in from work and I said there's a suitcase upstairs I need you to leave the house that's when she realized it wasn't just harmless fun flirting.

Tell her you want her phone and you are going to have someone recover all of the deleted messages. Her response will tell you if she's being honest or not. If she argues if she refuses then you know she's not being honest

I can't imagine my life without her, we have an 8 yr old son together, I love my family, and I love my wife, probably more than I should. I know I want to make it work, but am I being ridiculous, she's the love of my life, how can I stop this cycle.

Your wife knows how desperately you love her, and I hope you’re starting to realize it’s not mutual. She’s disrespecting you in the worst way possible since she knows you’re not going anywhere. If you want any chance of turning this around, you must change the dynamics.

Start by telling her it stops now or you will divorce her. Thing is - you must mean it. You must be ready to visit an attorney and start the process if/when she calls your bluff. You can always stop the process if she snaps out of her utterly disrespectful behavior.

There’s much more you should do, but are you willing/able to even do this first step?

It wasn't until I made phone calls and set up appointments with divorce lawyers that my WW (wayward wife) finally broke down, confessed everything, dropped her AP (affair partner) like a hot rock, blocked him on everything, and really rolled her sleeves up to start working on repairing the damage she'd done to our marriage.

As gr8ful said tho, you have to be prepared to follow through with it if she doesn't come around. Ask yourself this; if she isn't willing to go all in and do everything she can to salvage your relationship and build a new one, do you really want to stay with her? Or are you prepared for a lifetime of deceit, lies, cover ups, deleted text messages, suspicion, questions, looking for clues, and more possible d days? I decided I couldn't live like that so I was prepared to call the whole thing off if she didn't give anything less than 100% honesty and effort.

I have no clue what your wife may or may not do if presented with the reality of separation or divorce, but it's the most direct way to get yourself out of infidelity, one way or the other. Do not sweep this under the rug or do the "pick me" dance. That almost never works. You have to draw a line in the sand and stand firm on it.

First thing to mention, and probably the 2nd most important point to take in, is that an EA is usually no less devastating than a PA. Whether the betrayal is emotional or physical, you'll probably feel as awful as you can, so don't discount your pain.

Second, the best way to get to an optiomal resolution, your best bet, IMO, is to deal with the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever that you feel. A good IC isn't absolutely essential, but a good IC can help.

Third, love is not enough for rebuilding an M. It takes a lot of work from both partners, and that means both partners have to want to change - you need to resolve the awful feelings, and your WS needs to the work necessary for her to change from cheater to good partner. You don't know what she wants, yet. You don't know what he'll do, yet.

Most important, know that you can heal. You may not be able to R. As I write, that takes a lot of work from both of you, and you can't control your WS. Healing requires you to do your own healing, and you control you. Sleep can be hard to come by now, but that won't last forever. Drink water, eat what you can, move your body, feel your pain and let it go - if you keep it up, you will survive and thrive.

There's no getting around this horrible period, but you can get through it to a good life.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:37 PM, Saturday, October 25th]

Sissoon has made some excellent points.

Your wife cheated. That’s a fact.

She’s trying to hide the truth from you. Another fact.

I could write a book on typical cheater behavior. It’s surprising how much they often follow the same pattern. Here are a few things cheaters typically say — just to clue you in:

We didn’t have sex (define sex)
I don’t love him/her
It’s not what you think (it’s exactly what you think)
It’s the betrayed spouse’s fault because you didn’t …. (Fill in the blank of everything you didn’t do as the spouse)
I’m allowed to have friends (yes, but not friends you cheat with lol)

Cue the lying, hiding the truth, refusal to discuss, refusal to get counseling and the blaming the betrayed and you have a pretty darn accurate description of the cheater.

I’m sorry for you. But if your cheating spouse refuses to admit that she cheated, based on my experience, it will make it that much easier to cheat again.

She will find it very easy to start another Emotional affair by telling herself that "we are just friends". When a spouse pours energy into someone else and betrays their spouse, it’s cheating.

Without true remorse from your spouse, it will be hard to reconcile. And from that point you will find yourself in a very difficult position. It’s hard to trust someone who lies (by omission).

This is where you need to get truthful answers. And if you don’t, you will suffer and have some serious problems down the road (sorry to say this).

I tell you this from having to watch my H have an emotional affair for 4 years that he refused to admit to. This was back before the concept of EAs were even around. 4 years of lies and disrespect and stonewalling and gaslighting.

Which made it easy to have a full blown EA/PA years later and try to blame me for that too.

Had I been stronger and kicked him to the curb the first time he cheated I would not have suffered through a second affair.

...how can I stop this cycle.

"I will not be married to a cheater." That's what I told my wife (now ex) two days after d-day and I absolutely meant it.

You can't change your wife. You can't manipulate, cajole or beg her to own and fix her shit. She has to want this for herself.

There are three threads pinned to the top of the JFO Forum. They're sort of a "quick start" guide.

From the pull down menu above, you'll find The Healing Library. With the "Articles" tab are essays, written by veteran SI members, on a wide array of topics.

I understand you love your wife and family. Fighting for family's well-being and happiness is both courageous and admirable. However, you cannot reconcile on your own. Your WW has to be willing and able to do the work required for reconciliation.

Look at my tagline under my name.

Reconciliation takes two committed people.

I hope your cheating spouse becomes committed to Reconciliation and chooses truth instead of lies and hiding behind the lies.

At a minimum the cheater has to admit to an affair AND be willing to make amends. The cheater needs to help you heal and be open to discussing everything that needs discussing.

Also the cheater needs to show remorse for the affair, not regret they were caught.

Roland... strap yourself in... You are about to get a drill-sergeant level roasting from Bigger...
Just keep in mind that its with the best of intentions...

I hate drama.
Well... drama in the wrong places and the wrong times.

If you can’t imagine yourself without your wife, love of your life, rocking the boat would wreck the family and all that... Then the only thing you can do that doesn’t risk it all is allow her to keep her interest in this guy and just hope and pray it’s "only" emotional, doesn’t get physical and when/if that happens, that it sticks to being a standard affair that fizzles out. After all – if you do that then you minimize the risk of your wife ending the marriage... The odds of an affair developing into a long-term relationship are not really that high.

Lot’s of people go that path... That’s where you get the message across to be discreet, take precautions, maybe you get a regular STI test because you don’t really know where OM has been... You pretend to believe her when she says she’s going to the Mall on a Thursday evening, ignore the charge to a motel on her account, the sneaking off to get the phone, the girly giggling when she talks to her sister and all that.
But you would remain married to the love of your life without threatening the residency form of your family-unit. With a bunch of good acting from the parents, your 8-year old might grow up thinking this is a normal family environment.

Ask yourself this: in a month from now, what would be the absolute worst outcome.
Personally I think it would be pretending I believed her when she tells me she’s going to visit her sister for the evening and don’t wake up for her, while all dressed in that sexy cocktail-dress and primed with that perfume I got her for her birthday and in that skimpy lingerie she tried to hide from me earlier in the day...
I think the worst outcome would NOT be to lose her, but to – at best – share her.

I hate drama...
Your options are NOT losing your family and wife or accepting what’s going on.
Your options are remaining in a state of infidelity or to get out of infidelity.
Getting out of infidelity has two sub-classes: you can get out of infidelity with or without your wife. You have a choice there – you can decide to get out without her. That’s where you file for divorce. The other option is to allow her along on that journey out of infidelity.
However... That is 100% dependent on her wanting this too and willingly agree to what is needed.

What might be to your advantage is that these two paths out of infidelity – divorce or reconciliation – run parallel for the first couple of milestones, and more-or-less require the same actions early-on.

What would I recommend? Well... seeing as this is your first post and I’m not clear on if you will post again I will give you the condensed plan.

You tell your wife that she’s free to be with OM – but not as your wife.
That until and unless she tells you very clearly that she wants the marriage and accepts to follow some basic guidelines (accountability, the truth etc) you are simply assuming she has chosen her infidelity over the marriage and you are starting to detach.
You make it clear that there is no need for drama. There is a process in place that you could both adhere to that should ensure a fair division of assets and debt, as well as custody. If done amicably this will be to everyone’s advantage.

Then you let OM know he can be with her because you are terminating the marriage. If OM has a partner/wife you 100% no exception let her know what’s going on.
You tell her sister that you know she knew about the affair, and that you are seriously hurt by her indifference to the marriage and for supporting and even encouraging the damage done. That she has a part in your decision to remain in infidelity.
You tell stakeholders – that includes her family and your family – that you are refusing to remain married to your wife while she is having an affair. That if you had the option you would want to reconcile, but realize that trying to do so while she was still in her affair would be like starting renovations on a burning house.

This might all sound counterproductive but our collective experience tells us a lot.
For one, your wife probably had no intention of leaving the marriage for her flavor-of-the-week. All of a sudden she might be forced out...
Two: Our collective experience says that MOST AP’s are after tail. That’s it. He isn’t after a single-mom with a kid. If married – he isn’t looking to replace current wife. In probably 8/10 instances they dump the affair fast. Being rejected is a real mood-killer for your wife...
Third: This puts all power in your hands. You can determine the speed – when you file, when you talk to an attorney, when you take the next step... It’s no longer in your WW power to decide if she will allow you to remain her husband, but rather her task to keep up with you getting out.

Fourth: IF this is an exit affair, if your marriage is doomed... then it get’s you to the end-line as fast as possible. With the advantage that the further along on the path of D out of infidelity you get, the more content you are with your decision. If she doesn’t want to reconcile, or if she secretly remains in contact with OM (something you will inevitably discover if so) then YOU will be OK moving along when you reach the fork where these two paths no longer run parallel.