SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am now 10 years divorced from my cheating spouse and have long since remarried. Coparenting with a unreconciled, un-rehabilitated, remorseless cheater in a small community has been very challenging. Even with strong language in our MSA regarding triangulation with our children, her character assassinations have been unabated, and in a small town, there’s no escaping it. My Ex, my new wife, and I have very public facing careers.

The attacks range from subtle to outright. From triangulating with our, now young adult kids, to community gossip. The attacks usually ramp up during certain life events between my new wife/life and I. When we got engaged. When we got married. On our honeymoon. When we bought a home. When we got pregnant. When our child was born. Whenever we go on vacation. When we buy a new car. She always has a disparaging comment about anything noteworthy that we do over here.

It has gotten to the point that my wife and I are now very discreet about what we share publicly. No social media. No sharing vacation details or pictures with my three older kids. We’re very discreet about our finances. We’re discreet about anything that might trigger the Ex, and this is just a ridiculous way to live.

My two older kids are unaffected by my Ex’s remarks, as they were old enough to remember that I was a good father and husband, and that their Mother’s affair was a bizarre blindside to the whole family. They don’t tolerate their Mother denigrating me or my wife and will walk out of the room. My youngest daughter however, was too young to remember much about our pre-affair life, marriage, family and is much more easily influenced by her Mother’s relentless propaganda campaign.

I always try and hold the moral and mature high ground with humility. I never disrespect my kid’s Mother. When my kids are complaining about their Mother, I listen, but I keep a civil and neutral tone and don’t contribute in any way that might become detrimental to their wellbeing or disrespectful to their Mother.

My now wife found and questioned a letter written by my ExWW soon after D-Day that I have been safe keeping. The 4-page letter was a desperate proposal for a chance at Reconciliation. She detailed how the affair was not a result of unmet needs, not the result of a bad marriage, and not because she was unhappy with me, but because she was unhappy with herself, because of longstanding deeply seated insecurities that she had been struggling with her whole life. She went on to promise that she would follow through with comprehensive IC to make herself a safe partner again.

I have kept this letter because progressively over time she has completely changed the narrative at my personal expense and at the expense of my relationship with my younger daughter from that marriage. This letter contradicts everything my ExWW has been trying to sell lately. Things like minimizing the affair, me giving up too easily, me using the affair as an excuse to "run off with a younger woman", and her since revised reasons for cheating.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this letter, when, or if, I’ll ever give it to my older kids of that marriage to set the story straight. My now wife thinks I should just get rid of it.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:31 PM, Friday, October 24th]

How old is your youngest daughter with your EX now? If she's mature enough, you may want to show her that letter if your daughter ever exhibits being "influenced by her Mother’s relentless propaganda campaign."

You may not care how your EX rewrites your marriage history with others outside the family, but IMO I think the kids should have the unvarnished truth when the time becomes appropriate. Do you really want to take the chance that your relationship with your youngest daughter is tainted because of your EX's actions? Do you want this taint to fester for years, if not decades, before it becomes too late to repair?

Why would you even take that chance?

You know your daughter best and what her reaction might be. If she ever, in the future, showed her mother's "influence" again- you may want to set up a private dinner with your daughter, just the two of you, and tell her she's old enough now, to know the truth and then hand her a copy of the letter. When handing her the copy, tell her you're an open book and if she has any questions about what happened in the past after reading the letter, feel free to ask, and I'll answer as honestly and completely as I can. But as I said, you know your daughter- it may or may not work. But at least you tried.

And in the future when your EX starts spouting off in front of your daughter about you, your daughter may ask some questions, in her mind at least, if not outright, to your EX.

Thanks NZ, my youngest daughter from that marriage is 21 and is, for the first time, in a serious relationship. She now might be able to really empathize with what her mother put me through. Up to now, she thinks I gave up too easily and should have forgiven her mother. She may have blocked out, to some extent, or has mentally rug swept, the affair with help from her Mother. She especially felt betrayed by me when my new wife and I had a baby.

Her older brother and sister constantly try to set her straight, but she has been resistant to hearing anything about the affair.

When you have kids with a cheater, it’s really difficult to get completely free of their abuse. I genuinely wish my ExWW the best. I wish she would move on, get therapy, and be happy, holistically happy. If she was to remarry, I would genuinely be happy for her.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:28 PM, Friday, October 24th]

I think this is the first thread that I’ve seen you start in my time here.

I became pretty convinced that your and my exwives were cut from the same cloth, so not terribly wonderful to hear this 10 year report, but I can see it. Mine has retreated to victimhood and being confrontational, pretty sure so that she can feel like she is "standing up for herself". Good for her 👍🏼.

It’s going to be a ride co-parenting. Our oldest has cut off contact with her, not sure where that will lead. I really do hope for my kids’ sake that they can have a constructive relationship with their mother. You only get one.

Hope for your good, thanks for all your wisdom here over the years.

I think this is the first thread that I’ve seen you start in my time here.

lol-yeah, when I was in the thick of it, I posted a lot. Now I’m in the thick of some new delayed onset phase of betrayal where the Ex continues to reach out miles and years from the marital grave and touch you, especially when things are going well for you.

I hope you don’t go through this InkHulk. I sat down with my Ex and carefully explained that I would never disparage her or alienate our kids affection from her. She promised to do the same. But over the years this has changed as she’s tried to establish herself as Mother Of Year, our kid’s chief protector, benefactor and advocate. She refers to herself as "Momma Bear". She’s doing this to compensate for damned near wrecking our kids with her affair. Dumping the kids off on school nights at the neighbor’s house while I was away at work so she could be with her AP.

She’s also threatened by my Wife who has become close with my older kids.

I would sit down & talk to your now 21 yr old daughter, privately & in person, about how much it’s breaking your heart that she believes these things about you. I would then ask her if she would like to read a letter to you penned by her mother. Make it clear your intent is not to disparage her mother, but rather reveal the truth, so that you and her could have a closer relationship moving forward, and that you cannot stand quiet anymore with the lies her mother is propagating about you.

I would ask her not to share this convo with her mother, but you accept whatever decision she makes, as the truth resides with you. I’d also ask her why she disbelieves her older siblings when they defend you.

So very sorry you have to suffer ongoing character assassination attempts from this woman.

But over the years this has changed as she’s tried to establish herself as Mother Of Year, our kid’s chief protector, benefactor and advocate. She refers to herself as "Momma Bear".

As you probably know, we’re doing a nesting housing arrangement, keeping the kids in the marital home and she and I swap weeks in the house. We initially targeted doing it for two years, that would get three of our four kids past high school and it seemed like a tolerable arrangement. We wrote it into the divorce decree that either could get out of it, but only in the spring (end of school year, good housing market). So just a single month into this arrangement, she gets a fear that I might be dating someone and she flips out and tells me that she needs to end the agreement so that she can, and I quote, provide a stable home for our children. Mine is going to be a terrible ex wife. Probably can’t perform worse than as wife though

Kind of curious, what is your goal of posting? More soliciting or informing?

Kind of curious, what is your goal of posting? More soliciting or informing?

The goal of this post is threefold. It’s a vent, it’s a warning, and it’s to solicit input from others, especially those who have had/are having similar issues and what their approach was.

What I have learned, is that in addition to strong language in your Marital Separation Agreement warning against Parental Alienation and Triangulation, initial and ongoing Coparenting counseling might also be beneficial. Don’t let Parental Alienation go unabated. It’s extremely damaging and the damage is cumulative and very difficult to repair after the fact (this is very difficult when the BS is exhausted and conflict avoidant).

And, Document, Document, document. I have heard that Contemporaneous documentation is very powerful in court, and I’ve also heard that Family Court is a joke and that you can have 400 pages of documentation go expensively nowhere…

I’m going to continue to play the long game. Hopefully my DD, over time, will notice which parent is more civil, respectful, credible, mature and they will begin to make their own judgments based on THEIR experience.

she gets a fear that I might be dating someone and she flips out and tells me that she needs to end the agreement so that she can, and I quote, provide a stable home for our children.

"A stable home for our children". LOL! That’s rich coming from a cheater who just nuked the family home. You go Mama Bear!

Thanks Gr8ful. Wise approach. I’m going to give that a try.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:39 AM, Monday, October 27th]

What I have learned, is that in addition to strong language in your Marital Separation Agreement warning against Parental Alienation and Triangulation, initial and ongoing Coparenting counseling might also be beneficial. Don’t let Parental Alienation go unabated.

My relationships with my children was my single biggest concern heading out of the divorce and it’s my greatest joy in life right now. I’m on the watch out for signs of attempts to alienate. But, as they say, the proof is in the pudding (never really understood that saying). If things are going well with the kids, I can’t ask for much more. I do think they have the opportunity now for a clear contrast between us now, there is no more momanddad, it is steady me and unpredictable her, no hiding it.

There is no chance in Hades that I will ever step back into a therapist’s office with that woman. There is no assumption of good faith nor hope for change, and I have every reason to believe that the therapist will just default to siding with her crocodile tears. No, I’m on my own navigating this, hopefully she can keep her children’s good in mind. I don’t think at this point that she could poison the oldest two against me even if she tried, and that gives me a lot of comfort in the whole situation.

Best wishes with your youngest, it really can be a marathon. But love, honesty, faithfulness, the human heart is drawn to them. Be her father who adores her and supports her and she will feel that.