SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

am back here for some help and advice on how to clear my head as Im struggling. Im exhausted
Dec 2023 I found out my ex has having an Emotional Affair with my close friend who was also my neighbour. This woman was in my house daily as I was confiding in her about my pain at my ex going colder and colder and my kids and I breaking and I didn’t know what to do
Her husband found the ‘we are just friends ‘messages and split up but my ex and I for 1 year tried and had IC and MC. As the months went on I spiralled and he got angry at this saying I was 5% evil (evil as I went to a solicitor to get advice, I told his family, I told my family which he tried to step me doing by checking my phone, looked at houses to leave, wrote on help forums and that my crying was hurting him). I also got ptsd from the shock and my hair fell out and I had the worst nightmare and shakes. He said was an abuser, controlling, Im 2 people, I fall out with people all the time (I don’t, I call out BS) he wasn’t happy in the marriage (first Id heard of this) I didn’t offer him stability or trust. He also refused to move house so I would still see her daily on dog walks which really hurt and he would at times (3 times) bump into her and have little chats that would send my spirals bad again. I was in therapy, and I really tried to get well and move on, but my gut was saying he was lying. He gaslit me so much saying they were just friends and this was all in my head

In Jan this year I asked him to move out after a bad spiral and he as I did speak to me for almost a month in my own home and moved into the spare room. I just couldn’t take it anymore. He said it was just for a break for a few weeks but it’s now Oct and he didn’t come back.

So, this week by text (19 years relationship and I get a text) on the day of our wedding anniversary he told me they were now together and even worse he has told our children everything without discussing this with me the mother of his children.

Im now left thinking what’s coming next. I know I’m not in the wrong, but he has gaslighted my head so much Im left at times thinking what when wrong? We had a good marriage, and I adored him but was he always a bad egg and I didn’t see!? I feel like such a mug. And Ive now been told by others they always flirted when my back was turned (I was so trusting) and who knows this could have been going on for years.

Any advice or comfort welcome. I’m ok – Im dealing with this and strong but at times the sadness hits and I feel so low and confused

Cheaters have a way of rewriting marital history to try to shift the blame from them onto you to help justify their reasoning.

I'm sorry that you're having a bad day. For a while, the sadness would sometimes hit me out of the blue. It's to be expected. You're probably grieving all the future plans you had, your daydreams of what you wanted, all sorts of things.

It does get better. I'm a few years out from my D, and am so much happier.

Wow. He’s a gem.

What you are experiencing is total normal. Those sneaker waves hit you out of the blue, just when you are feeling like you are stable.
It will happen less and less frequently, so hang in there.’

Have you filed for D? Taking control of the narrative can be empowering - getting yourself out of this toxic stew.

And many WS have a side that we never saw. Mine was a straight and narrow engineer, as nerdy as they come. And he cheated on my for 18 months with a married mother of two. He obviously was a person who could and did do that, but everyone who knew him said he would never. He just hid that side of his character very well.

You know the truth. You know if you were kind and caring, even though we are all imperfect. If he’s making you out to be the villain, it is so he can make himself the victim. Not taking accountability is a hallmark of cheaters….

Are you in IC? I found it helpful for me to see the past accurately, no rose colored glasses. It helped me see the signs that I missed, the signs that I saw but ignored, and the signs that I saw and actively buried my head in the sand about. And it helped me see where I was a VERY GOOD partner and where I could improve. All of this has made me a wiser, happier, better person.

Hang in there- you can make it through this. You are stronger than you know.

That all sounds really awful, especially him talking to your children without you being informed or present. That's a real shit move.

I agree with the others that taking legal action and making a plan to move forward alone will do a lot to help clear your head of him. The grief will still overwhelm from time to time, but it's easier to pull out of it when you can see the light ahead.

Sending virtual hugs for the rough day!