Here I am, still hurting, still ruminating some days and still unable to detach from this circus after 7 years and several women he's dated or "loved", along with the dozens of random ones he slept with since then. I think the second discard hit me way different than the initial infidelities did. The most recent discard was 2023 after I solved all his life issues for him again.
I have to have an income so I have to keep working for him if I want to keep eating. Financially I'm slowly sinking, and it's overwhelming. The emotional hits keep coming and lately I feel like I may never really recover from the trauma.
Hard to see how he can take each woman places he never took me. Hard to see how he makes time for them that he didn't for me. Hard to know he's not suffering, but I still am. How he referred to her as "family" in a text message once to a customer, and I wanted to vomit. He had forwarded it to me to put on the schedule.
Hard to see that the woman he's with is such a downgrade, but he choose a former meth dealer that looks ten years older than she is over me. I have refused to meet her. I've been petty and nasty in my comments toward her. He asked me what she ever did to me, and the answer is nothing but I didn't say it. He wants me to get along with her, so she can come work for him. He's met her family, and her ex and after I said some horrid things about her when I knew he was on speakerphone in his car and she could hear, it's unlikely she will want anything to do with me. She thinks I'm "crazy", which I'm sure he validated how he was the victim. I still want to hate her for existing. She is the manifestation of the death of the life I thought I would have. Now all that's left is insecurity, uncertainty, and renewed anger.
He seems to want me to accept her or at least be civil. In what world do you get to destroy a woman with repeated infidelity, then expect her to be friends with the newest woman he's hooked up with? Is that some twisted power trip? A avoidants dream to make you watch his happiness unfold after he crushed your life?
Hard to feel like I did all the work for decades and every woman since reaped the fun and benefits, while I struggle to find balance, wondering if I'll ever feel loved again. I feel bitterness, anger, and resentment toward the newest one, more so than the others before her.
Then another Surprise. He's being sued by a former female employee for sexual harassment. Another woman he had intimate contact with, although she was after he bailed out the last time. It still stings, that I worked with her, and never knew this was in the shadows.
No surprise he needs my help to sort it out. I told him he needs to get "the love of his life" to help him, and he replied "she isn't the love of my life". I know I was, but he doesn't say it. He followed it up with complaints about women in general, and how he does love her, and she's the first woman ever to say "I love you" before he did. His track record shows he can fall in "love" in a week or two, or months. He followed it up with telling me with everything that's happened to him he has almost zero sex drive. That made me smile. I hope it hurts. I wish it hurt more, he would deserve it.
I think he may settle for her. I think he may possibly marry her, or in a year or two move to the land we used to own together, if he can recover financially and afford to ever build. This of course is in a small town, my safe haven, and they would be 3 miles from me. We would run into each other if that happened. He has mentioned numerous times he "wants to move back home". He's still super salty and bitter he lost the house to me.
I insisted that if she's going to walk in my shoes she is entitled to the blisters, and she needs a baptism of fire. He said she's not "legal minded" like I am. What BS. Plain and simple he doesn't want to involve her. He knows I've saved his ass more times than I can count.
Every time I think it can't get worse, it does.
[This message edited by Muggle at 8:32 PM, Wednesday, November 5th]
