SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm wondering how many have told your WS's AP's spouse and how it went?

Thanks!

I was not told, even though OBS was told about the A (and that it would be ongoing) 10 days before I found out. It's been 15 years, and I'm still pissed at OBS.

i didn’t tell b/c I fell for the "don’t get involved" silliness. The AP told her OBS shortly thereafter and they filed for divorce, so then it was too late.. This has been a big regret of mine since DDAY. I wish I had reached out to him and shared what I knew.. He and their kids deserved better.

If you know who he is you should definitely inform him.

Everyone deserves to know if the person at their side is a PoS.

I've dredged this up from the bowels of time [my past posts].
It's an illustration that things almost never go as planned...

That could not have gone worse. I'm a little shaky at the moment.

Called OBW this morning, about 20 minutes ago. A male voice picked up the phone. I asked for his OBW and he put her on the phone.

I asked if she knew OM and she said yes, you were just taking with him. I asked if she had a minute to talk and that this might go better if we could talk privately.

I tried to tell her that her husband had had an inappropriate internet relation with my wife some time back. She stated to rely the information to her husband, some what confused.

OM then blew up in the background. Said "Oh my god that was 5 years ago"

She asked him some questions I can't remember and I heard him explain that he knew who I was, that I had been stalking him on Linked-in. I had checked his profile a few times. You can see who looks at your profile and I have to admit I kinda wanted him to know I was looking. Not very flattering on my part I admit. He told her to tell me he was calling the cops.

So he got on the phone and tells me he's going to call the police if me or my slut wife ever call there again. Then hung up.

I was out running an errand at the time so I came home and let my fWW know about the call and told her to immediately tell me if he tries to call and forward any e-mail he might send her. She said she would and I believe her.

I'm not worries about his threats. Let him call. The police will laugh in his face.

I'm sorry I couldn't provide her more information. Maybe she'll reach out to me if she can. I didn't block my number and I used a work phone.

Time to calm down a little. I need a drink or three.

And my follow-up post a few months later when I gave it another try...

A few months ago, I found the other BS's phone number and tried to call her. The OM was there and the call did not go well.

She asked him some questions and he took the phone from her. I was too stunned to speak but he shouted a few vulgar words, threatened to report me for harassment and hung up on me. It was the first time I'd called there but he had seen me look up his profile a few times on Linked-In while I was trying to find their number or her e-mail.

Well, I tried again today. Finally had a chance to speak with her. She was very angry and accused me of trying to ruin her life just because mine had been ruined. I told her that I thought she had every right to know what was going on and that I could provide proof. She said she already knew about it. Guess OM spun her a tale.

So I told her if she didn't want to speak with me I wouldn't call back. She said she didn’t want to see any of the proof so I ended the call.

That was one of the hardest calls I’ve ever had to make. I still feel sick and shaky.

I've gone over the conversation few times and I realize how I played it was the only way to go.

I'd been thinking that I should have tried to convince her to listen to what I had to say. But on the first call a few months ago, OM outed himself to her when he shouted at me over the phone. That meant he had to explain something after he hung up.

Most likely he spun me as a crazy stoker out to ruin their lives. That's what she accused me of doing, trying to ruin their lived because mine was ruined. That statement implies to me that she thinks something significant happened. she just doesn't want it to happen to her.

If I had tried to push the info on her, I'd have come off as the stoker OM made me out to be.

I heard a great expression the other day, "These people really need some common sense shouted at them." Seems to fit this situation is some ways.

Regardless of the outcome, I never regretted making that call. The OBW needed to know who she was married to and the true state of their relationship. I found out a few years later they divorces sometime afterward.

This is an easy one, I told, and it went fine, but OBS never followed up.

I told 3 other BS's about affairs I found out about. "Captain Infidelity".

Did telling WS's AP's spouse have any positive or negative impact on your own reconciliation process?

This question comes up often, and you may find additional advice in previous threads. In my case, contacting the AP and other betrayed spouse were two of the best things I did.

By contacting the AP, I made sure he realized that I was in the loop -- I knew what had happened, I knew the timeframe, and I had all the phone records. I knew his job would be at risk, and I had no hesitation to do whatever I thought was best for MY situation, not his or hers. Instantly I had an upper hand, making it clear there were no repercussions that I was afraid to face (that was not true for either of them). I've always laughed and described him like a freshman being sent to the principal's office for the first time. He was scared.

By contacting the other spouse, everything came out in the open. I had been led to believe that she was aware of the affair, and that the other couple was already in marriage counseling. They may have been in counseling, but she had no idea about their affair. She and I agreed to have an open line of communication & to share any new information we gained, and our spouses had nowhere to hide.

It helped burn away the fog.

My WW had a very hard time realizing Emotional Affairs were actually a thing and that she had one.

Having the OBS directly effected by her actions, and hearing that her former AP called her a slut gave her a new perspective.

And POSOM didn't follow through with his threats. He couldn't without dragging everything further into the light.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 3:57 PM, Tuesday, June 9th]

Did telling WS's AP's spouse have any positive or negative impact on your own reconciliation process?

Positive or negative in what way? Most of the people here who have told the OBS have felt better for having done it so I would call that positive.

Would it be negative if your wayward spouse got upset that you told the OBS? I think if a wayward gets upset over that, you doing the honest and right thing, then they might not be a good candidate for reconciliation.

Yes the WS got upset with telling the OBS. I think they are too far gone and thinking they are sorry for the AP. But neither of them recognise it's their own actions led to the destroy of two families.

I cannot accurately attest to what percentage of BS informed the OBS. My best guess, however, would be a super majority.

One practical reason for informing the OBS is that affairs cannot thrive in the light of day. Once exposed, continued secrecy becomes increasingly difficult.

Another practical reason is that a BS gains another source of information. While not perfectly reliable, because WS will lie, sharing information can, and usually does, expose those lies.

Speaking philosophically, morally, I honestly believe we all have an obligation to look out for one another, even strangers. By informing the OBS, you've done a "good deed." You've helped them by giving them back their agency.

For me, personally, it went a bit further, and this was my deciding factor. By keeping the affair secret, I became an accomplice, which was not something my conscience would allow.

In my situation, the OBS thanked me for informing her. I'd sent her a letter by registered mail detailing everything I knew and how I knew it all. I included our names and address, and my contact information (phone number, email, and even Fakebook info).

Did telling WS's AP's spouse have any positive or negative impact on your own reconciliation process?

That's difficult to assess for the simple reason that I cannot know what might have been different had I made a different choice. What I can say is that once I told my exww about it, after receiving replies from the OBS, she was forced to accept that not only had she hurt me, she'd also hurt a complete stranger (although she knew AP was married).

Also, I think, it forced her to accept the consequences of her actions. The husband she had before was no longer going to protect her at any cost. In that respect, I think informing the OBS was a net positive.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. These are very helpful. I also believed that the OBS has the right to know, because I would want to know and it was the right thing to do.

But the WS had gaslit me into think that these are the reason why our marriage had to end.

It was a hard trap to climb out of. Your help is tremendous!

I waited 5 months and I regret every day that I waited. I was afraid that if they divorced he would come after my wife and she would leave me so out of fear I kept my mouth shut

Thankfully I had found this forum and if I remember correctly people suggested I do reach out to her. Someone gave me the name of an online search engine and for like 20 bucks I found everything about his wife including her email

My email simply said if your husband is a police officer and he works at this school there's something you need to know about him and my wife. I remember shaking when I hit send and a couple of hours later she replied with yes he does and what do I need to know, here's my phone number if you want to call me

I told her everything I knew and she was obviously very upset because not only was this not his first time cheating but while it was going on she was waiting to have surgery to find out if she had breast cancer, and she was only 35ish. This guy is fooling around on his wife while she is dreading the news that she may have breast cancer, what a guy :/

We kept in touch for a while, we compared stories to see if his timeline and my wife's synced up and they did for the most part.

Honestly she sounds like an amazing woman. We never talked on the phone, just texted and emailed.

When I told my wife I had reached out to his wife my wife had the audacity to be upset with me. She said what if she comes into my job and causes a scene?! What if I lose my job?! Why didn't you talk to me about this before you did it?! Did you think about me before you did this?!

I replied with where was all of this concern while you were having your little fun affair?! Did you ever wonder what would happen if she found your messages on her husband's phone and came into your work and caused the scene and you lost your job which would cause our family to lose its health insurance?!

I said I didn't talk to you about it beforehand because I didn't want to risk you talking me out of it, and given how unstable we were and how insecure I felt in the relationship there was a good chance she could have talked me out of it.

So she confronted her husband. He confessed, said he was sorry, said he would start talking to their priest, said he would go to counseling, Etc, and it was all BS. He knows she is afraid to leave him so he just plays the game until she calms down and then he finds his next AP

After things calm down he moved on to the social worker at the school and ended up having sex with her not only in his car in the parking lot but on her desk in school while school was in session. His wife found out and told me about it. She talked to the social worker, who had a boyfriend at the time, and the social worker pretty much had a "whatever" attitude, no remorse.

She told me she told him to get out of the house so he left for a little while, moved in with his mom. I remember her texting me saying that's it I've had enough I'm filing for divorce, but she chickened out. Sad.

Anyhow, my advice is to definitely reach out and let the other BS know what is going on

Debated it, and honestly still debating whether to do it or not.
I did email the AP and provided him some evidence to let him know I have things to share with his wife should he ever communicate with my wife ever again, regardless of whether he initiates or she does. It put an end to their secret conversations.

If I find out they continued to communicate, I have the email, letter and phone call ready to go.

I told with the WS’s consent and told the WS afterwards what I sent. Looking back, I was too naive!

Twitchy, some people just don't want to know. They may kind of know...but they really don't want to know. They'd rather live in fantasy land. That's their decision. I think if we tell someone, it's all we can do, and then they can take it as they want....or not. it's up to them. You did the right thing!

I went about it a little differently than others. I felt that if my husband really wanted reconciliation and to really take accountability, that he should be the one to tell the other betrayed spouse. He had two years long sexting affairs with married women that got caught up when he went on a date with the second one, so he wrote letters to both husbands.

One never responded, so we don't know if he saw it or not. The other actually asked to talk to my husband on the phone. He was the husband of the women my husband had gone on a date with and the OBS had a lot of questions. In that conversation, the OBS also mentioned she'd done this before and that he told her then if it happened again, he'd file for divorce.

It did actually feel like this helped our marriage and showed me that my husband was going to prioritize us. He feels a lot of guilt and shame around these affairs and the effects on me, our family, the OBS and their children but I think it was important for him to actually see and feel the fall out of his choices.

Not going to lie - I do check out county court website every once in a while to see if the OBS did in fact file for divorce. So far nothing.

Brokenbea's post reminded me of something. The wife of my wife's AP reached out to me asking if she could speak to my wife and I said I will ask. My wife was understandably hesitant but I kind of in a roundabout way told her it's the least you can do for the woman whose husband you were having an affair with.

After the phone call my wife said the woman was nothing but gracious, not a single angry word or mean comment was made.

The woman was suspicious that her husband was fooling around with the social worker at the school and wanted to ask my wife some questions about that. So my wife answered all of her questions and it turned out that yes, he was fooling around physically with the social worker at the school.