15 weeks on, still no clearer
I posted 3 months ago in the JFO forum, telling my story of finding my husbands physical infidelities (PA). One with another couple (friends of ours) 11+ years ago. One of a FWB purely physical affair with a male friend (7 years ago).
3 months on and I’m still no clearer of what to do. I think my gut says go. He’s a bad bet. It’s too much. He has ruined all we had. My head says stay. Stay for the baby, the house, the shared history, the fact he appears to have been faithful for 7 years, has changed. I don’t know what my heart says but I don’t trust her anyway as she fell for all his lies.
The feelings of shock still haven’t dimmed, 4 months on I don’t believe this is my life.
I suppose what I’m asking is for experiences of where people are at 4 months on? Is there anything I can do to move forward or make a decision? Healing wise I’m in IC and reading, being mindful etc. some days are ok, but I never have "good days". They are always heavy and full of hurt, some days are just calmer.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, October 9th, 2024
Found out he cheated before marriage
Four weeks on from D Day and struggling with what to do…..
I’ve been with my partner (now husband) almost 16 years and we have a lovely life including a child together. However four weeks ago I found out he was cheating. A text came through on his phone which made me suspicious so I went through everything.
Eventually, hidden behind an encrypted device I found pictures and videos proving he had cheated.
We started seeing each other in 2009. Firstly he has had threesomes with another couple of friends on a few occasions 2010,11 and 12. This was a scenario which began when he was with his previous wife in 2007. Secondly it transpires he also had a few occasions having reciprocal oral sex with a male friend he had been FWB since the 90s, which continued three times when we were together, (2013,2015,the most recently being 2018).
We have seperated while I try to find the best path forward, he is mortified and remorseful and trying everything to give the relationship another go. He says that the three threesomes were when we were in a less committed place, and the oral sex with a friend was just a habit he had gotten into. They were all done when drunk and he has cut contact with the parties involved. However they were repeated infidelities not ONS so he at least put himself in those situations if not setting them up directly.
He says he hasn’t cheated since January 2018 and as we have gone on to get engaged etc and have a child he has been fully committed. I have been through his texts and even seen occasions where he has turned people down. I do believe nothing has happened in 6 years and I do believe he has changed. I do believe he loves me. I do believe he is mortified by his past actions. However I have been a faithful partner and just think this is all too much to move through.
Having physically seen the pictures and videos, even though some are 15 years old has shook me to the core. I don’t think it’s overstating it to suspect PTSD at my end (can’t sleep, feel sick all day etc.)
We are in individual and couples counselling. Part of me wants to run for the hills and enjoy my freedom. He’s disrespected me and degraded me with his lies and actions. But I do love him and our life together. And he hasn’t had a "love" affair- it was all just no strings sex, and he has now been faithful for 6.5 years. Can people change?
Any advice/ hand holds welcome x
18 comments posted: Sunday, July 28th, 2024
