I don't know where to go from here

This is kind of complex, so please bear with me.

As a child of 5 I was sexually molested by a teenage babysitter, and was devastated when he moved on. And then found myself married to a man who became physically and sexually abusive, who I divorced. Sex has always been complicated for me and I have a need to feel safe and valued as well as have the need to feel that sexual intimacy is my choice.. So when I met my partner I was open about my history and clear about not wanting to marry again to avoid the trauma of divorce. For the first eight years after having children we were doing really well, he was attentive and affectionate, and seemed to respect my boundaries and needs.

Then doctors discovered a tumor in my chest. They removed it along with my thyroid. The medication the doctors prescribed dramatically dropped my libido. I've been working with my physician to try different things to boost, but so far have had no luck. As if that were not enough, we had three major moves, multiple job changes and two pre-teen/teenagers, one with special needs on top of dealing with my health issues. I have been exhausted and overwhelmed, to say the least, and until recently there was little support from my partner.

When my libido initially dropped I asked for and looked for things we could do together to reconnect in the hopes that it would increase my feelings of connection and raise my libido by creating closeness. I suggested things such as taking an evening walk, working out together, finding common interests, and was rebuffed every time. I tried weekly dates, but our schedules were packed and it was not always possible. I asked for emotional and physical support with the housework and with the kids, and I asked for a counselor and provided six different options, asking him to choose the one he preferred and schedule an appointment. His response was that he didn't believe in counseling. So I found one on my own for individual therapy and focused on finding the emotional support I needed elsewhere.

He suffers from depression and introversion and has few friends, so during the last year, in an attempt to encourage any kind of connection and snap him out of his depression, I encouraged him to make new friends and try new things to, hoping that as he became happier maybe he would be willing to work on us. He's now teaching classes in one of his hobbies and seems happier and more fulfilled, and it's been nice. He was also always stressed about money - we split but do not share finances and he was always concerned with how much I spent on kids clothing and groceries, but now has a new higher paying job (he makes 3x as much as I do) and is not so concerned.

Yet, five years later, little has changed from an intimacy standpoint and our connection has gotten worse even as his happiness and contentment grows - instead of making efforts to reconnect now ignores things like mothers day and valentines day and I had to prompt him to shop at Christmas after the kids kept asking why there was nothing under the tree for mom. We sometimes hug, rarely kiss, and there is no sex. He has made no effort over the last five years to show me he cares. I am all but invisible in our relationship, which contributes to my disinterest in being intimate with him - I really don't want to engage in painful sex with someone who does not care for me. It makes me feel vulnerable and used.

This past Sunday, as I was sitting in the bedroom working on a project and helping our teenager focus on homework, he came running int to say that he accidentally send me a text message and it was ok to delete it. Of course, I read it because he was so flustered and then followed him out into the barn because we needed to not discuss it in front of our children. It was a request for a sexual massage appointment with a practitioner, and it turns out that my partner of 17 years has been going for NULU - oily skin to oily skin, full-body contact (both parties) - with a happy ending sexual massages for the last 5 years, no protection used. I'm devastated.

He says it was only hand jobs, but I am not sure I can believe him. He seemed thoroughly unconcerned with the possibility of an STD or with getting caught by authorities (it is illegal in our state). He could lose his job over this.

He said he would stop if I agreed to start having sex with him again, but knowing he has been with 10+ women over the last few years really turns my stomach. No to mention, could he really? What if I get sick again (I have lupus, so it's a strong possibility).

And then I feel like maybe I should have just sucked it up and had painful sex with him or jerked him off and put my feelings aside so that he would not have strayed.

And I am angry that he made me feel bad about spending money on clothes and shoes for the kids and groceries while he was out there dropping thousands on getting his rocks off with strangers.

I don't know if we can come back from this, nor do I know if I want to. But I don't yet know how to make this work - do I stay or do I leave? There are so many logistics involved:

• We co-own a home but don't share finances.

• He makes 3x more than I do and we were planning on his using retirement accounts when we retire (I have very little as most of the companies I have worked for either don't offer 401k's or don't match).

• I had years where I had very little income so that I could raise/be available to our kids, which set my career back.

• We live in a really expensive area and I could never afford a place on my own, even if he bought me out of the house.

• Our kids are 13 and 14, there is their schooling to consider, and it's been hard finding the right school fit for our child that has a disability (we finally have a good fit).

• We are not married, and have not filed a formal domestic partnership, but I have always gotten domestic partner benefits such as insurance which his company pays for.

In hindsight, I feel like I should have seen this coming, he has always been very protective over his phone and computer, won't share accounts or passwords, and freaked out when I asked to put an air tag in his car (car theft is high in our area and police suggested it, I also have them on the kids bikes, which allowed us to recover them when they were stolen, so it's not like I am being creepy). I should have also insisted on the formal domestic partnership paperwork and something similar to a prenup, just in case. My career took a huge hit when we had the kids and I should have protected myself better. It was stupid not to.

I have booked an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow and have scheduled an intake with a separate couples therapist which I am going to insist he pay for (if he can afford sexual services then he can cough up the cost of a therapist).

I just don't know where we go from here.

Updating to add, he confessed this morning that he has been meeting these women in hotels all over the our area and it now includes blowjobs as well as hand-jobs (and I suspect maybe more). We are going to set up a time to talk later so I can get the full picture.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, October 8th, 2024