How to respond to a betrayed when theyre lashing out

Hi all,

Ive read through alot of threads on here that tell you when your spouse is raging to accept what you did, dont defend it and to reassure them and apologise,

im wanting to help my betrayed get past the anger and lashing out since we will always have a few good days and then something small makes him yell at me for a day about how im a whore, he could do better, i havent changed im just pretending, i should leave, he has no answers on reconciliation and that he couldnt care less, that i fucked a fat guy and that means i have no standards, asking if he should go and cheat on me now etc etc.

When he does this i try to say that i love him and i hate who i was, reassure him that im so sorry i hurt him, that im not going anywhere, that i only want him, that i am sure hes the only man who will ever touch me again, that im embarassed by what i did etc and he only seems to get angrier or tell me to shut the fuck up and keep yelling at me til eventually he storms off cause i cant help but get emotional since he makes it seem like were trying one day and the next its like he already knows itll never work out and repeat, its very emotionally draining but im sticking by him because i do realise what i did, why i did it and how id never repeat it and i dont want to be a better person for anyone but him, how would you say i need to respond in these moments? am i correct in still responding with love when hes telling me he doesnt care and to shut the fuck up, is this normal?

10 comments posted: Sunday, March 23rd, 2025

I have a few questions, i really need help with

Hey all,

If you want to know my story, please read my previous posts, as a WS ive been really trying to do whatever my partner needs, i have read how to help your spouse heal from an affair, done alot of self work and counselling but there are some road blocks im having where im lost on how to respond to help not damage, betrayed spouses super welcome cause i think itd be really helpful to have your advice!

1. How do I respond in the right way to comments alluding to leaving me 'in the end of all this' when it seems like were moving forward the day before, it makes me feel used cause we also work together and have our own business which i know isnt fair for me to wallow in my feelings but i dont know how to respond to for want of a better way to say it, future projections of knowing hes going to leave me 'in the end' if that makes sense, i have responded with love saying i dont want you to leave me, i love you and id never hurt you again but it seems to esculate the situation anyway cause he says i only care about myself and if i just say okay, he also esculates any tips on what to say would be helpful!

2. Every week or two he will decide he wants me to go to my sisters and leave our house which then i leave and stay at my sisters for a couple days and then he asks me back for a week and we repeat, do i keep leaving when he wants, is this helpful? because whenever i get to my sisters we go backwards, he will drop me off and we seem to be in a good place then hell send me texts saying he doesnt want me etc,

3. When he insults me, tells me im just a hoe and he could go get someone else whod never hurt him in the first place, tells me im an embarrassment, tells me id fuck anyone who gives me attention so he cant trust me, etc how do i respond to these insults? if i cant defend but they are not true.. i get the anger/rage but im confused how to respond

4. Sometimes he will let me touch him, other times he will move my hand away and get angry, how do i deal with this right? do i stop touching him alltogether? or keep trying knowing theres a chance he may or may not respond positively?

5. He tells me our relationship is over, he is not mine and that ive ruined my own life 'right now' but then spends time with me, sleeps with me, mentions future things as if we are still going to be together and its very confusing to know what is going on

6. He tells me he cant be happy around me and he never can love or look at me the same again, is this something we can get through? all i have replied is well id like the chance to change that and make you happy and get through this to which he says i shouldve thought about that before which is true

If a betrayed or even a WW has some advice id really love to hear if firstly these things are normal and secondly how i should be responding in the best way so i can learn, im trying to not get emotional cause it normally makes it worse but ill admit its hard when i dont want to lose him and he is so all over the place that i dont know where were at.

16 comments posted: Thursday, February 27th, 2025

Bad day today and emotions

Hey all,

its only been just over a month since my BH found out about my one night stand and emotional A, i thought to some extent we were making some progress (staying at the house for a week instead of two days, sleeping in the same bed again, some physical intimacy instead of none, one or two kisses and letting me stroke his leg etc instead of telling me to get off) but then today went horrible.

I went to see my mum last night, he has my location etc but then when he picked me up this morning he seemed to be completely different to how he was when he dropped me off, he started to insult me telling me he could do better and get a new girl today if he wanted, that i deserve to be alone and he will laugh at me for losing the best man in the world and it triggered me so i said 'well im sorry for hurting you but if thats what you want then do that' and it only spiraled from there.. i am really working on myself but i cant seem to grasp how to get through the insults and understand how were on a path to R when these moments/days hit.. he says were not together and thats what hes going to say if anyone asks cause im an embarassment but then on the other hand says he doesnt know still what he wants to do and that if i cant take a gamble then i can f off.. to which i tell him i am taking that risk because he is all i want. What im asking is how can i handle my emotions when he is really nasty and im truly scared ive lost the person i love? i cant help but cry and beg for chances but i know that it only esculates his anger and pushes him away..

6 comments posted: Tuesday, February 25th, 2025

Are we headed towards reconciliation? & what more can i do?

Hey all, if you see my previous posts it pretty much explains my situation up until a week ago, 1 month since dday, 1 affair from me that he found out about, one time thing but 2 weeks of emotional cheating with the same guy before the one night stand..

My BH and I have spent quite a bit of time together since my last post, im still so confused.

He is very back and forth, it will seem like were getting along, having sex, laughing a little and i am sleeping in the bed again, the blow up mattress deflated, i offered to sleep on the couch however he said i didnt have to.

At the end of last week i was really happy, we prayed together and he signalled me in for a cuddle, which is the first time in a month and we hugged for ages, then i kissed his forehead and he signalled me to kiss his lips, we kissed and then he said 'i love you im just hurting' the first kiss, or i love you since dday, other than that when i say i love you he has not said it back just acknowledges it or sometimes mocks it and says that i dont,

Since that beautiful moment he hasnt said or did any of those things again, sometimes he lets me touch him which i try to alot, just his leg or whatever but even a couple times has moved my hand off of him when i try to touch him, reason im confused is because from reading these forums im aware it can be up and down this soon and i know he is hurting, hes watched me change alot, turning to god and wanting to love in a pure way, following the WS guide completely on how to help him heal, seeing all the things i was doing to damage our relationship, despite his part before the A happened and turning them around, also telling him multiple times a day how sorry i am, that he is the best and all i want, that id never hurt him again and that im so grateful and lucky hes even here with me but he also still 'doesnt know' if he wants to 'try again to rebuild a new relationship'

He still every week gets me to go to my sisters so he can have some space, normally when this happens i get texts while im there that are hinting towards not being together, him not wanting me to think hes going to just forgive me etc, hes also said 'i cant even be myself around you' and 'i dont know if i can ever feel the same again' that hes the one who has to deal with this now and some quite mean things when hes angry that point towards no R, 'i could go get someone who wont hurt me' 'you shouldve thought about loving me before now youve fucked up our whole future together' 'you cheated me out of having at a lifelong relationship' 'its not the same, youre not mine anymore' things like this' 'youre for everybody not me' 'youd fuck anything that gives you attention' 'i can never trust you again' 'youre just a whore'. he also when he gets angry at me claims theres still things i have to tell him that im keeping from him which just isnt true, he knows everything and every little detail, i made sure of it.

I guess i am asking is this normal? am i on the right track still towards R? Its hard to know because he says he doesnt know and then it seems spending time with me, trying would be heading in that direction but then he will say something like the list above and it makes me question which way we are going? any help would be greatly appreciated to help me understand what is happening and what to expect,

4 comments posted: Thursday, February 20th, 2025

Wayward Wife wondering how to help betrayed and if theres even a chance

Hey all,
I want to start out by saying im sorry in advance if anything that i say does come off as selfish, i am really hurting at the thought that i did this and created this pain for my partner, putting him in this position in the first place.
BS and I have been together for 4 years, we met and had such a beautiful relationship that i look back on as genuinely perfect, however over the years as you do in a relationship we went through ALOT, an abortion that he wanted and i didnt, alot of yelling at eachother back and forth, trust issues with eachother when nothing was even there yet, finance issues and control issues and just overall what i thought was something so perfect turned into a mess and we both in a way resented eachother for it all and couldnt get past it in a healthy way. Before i had my Affair, my husband was sleeping on the couch for 4 months and i was a begging mess just wanting love from him, for him to come to bed and for all of this hate in our house to stop, still nothing worked and we felt so far apart.
I didnt seek the A, it happened very quickly with a new person who came into my life to create music with me, he was kind to me, made me feel worthy, things i hadnt been feeling with my partner and i ate it up like an idiot, i slept with the man and 2 days after that felt so sick about what id done and i ended it. I was a selfish mess knowing what id done would likely mean losing my partner i was weak and i didnt tell him, honestly just hoping hed never know and that i could try to mend our already broken relationship, looking back it never shouldve happened in the first place to even have to tell him and i definitely shouldn't have hid it from him but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I am hoping to share my story since Dday and find out if its normal, what i can do to make this up to him for the rest of my life and if you think there is even a chance of that since i never thought id be saying any of this,
3 and a half weeks ago was Dday, i made alot of mistakes at the beginning - the day he found out, he found out on social media, i was a balling mess, begging and telling him i never shouldve done it and i would never do it again and he kicked me out of our house which i also begged not to be but he told me to go to my sisters and that it was over end of story, i got to my sisters and in the following 3 days he had called me 127 times to yell at me, ask me questions, make fun of me that i lost him and tell me it was over, if i hung up based on the names he was calling me, he would call back and keep going, calling me to tell me i didnt deserve him, he doesnt miss me etc at this point i figured i caused this and i have to work with the pain from his end if i want a chance to reconcile so i just let him yell at me over and over and kept apologising, reaffirming id never do it again etc. i also asked if he had made up his mind that there was no chance for me to try and rebuild this with him to which he said 'not right now, i dont have any answers for you right now' after 5 days he asked if i wanted to come over and see our dog but not to stay the night 'right now' so i did, came over saw my dog, got yelled at by him and had sex (he said 'lets have sex while youre here, we may as well unless you want me to get bored here by myself') he then dropped me back at my sisters, he called a couple times after that to yell at me again, i would just take it and apologise and decided to start working on myself, reading how i could help him through this and focusing on my relationship with god and repenting for what id done to my partner. A week passed, we still spoke to some extent every day, hed send me videos of our dog at the park with him, funny videos sometimes that hed seen, but then he would also have moments in between of yelling at me and telling me its over and then when asked if theres no chance still had the same answer, 'i dont know right now, you did this, its not going to happen as quick as you want and you have to be patient and loyal to me while i decide and even then i cant promise anything' so i took it with grace that because we were still in contact and seeing eachother he must somewhat be working to that with me.. anyway since then we saw eachother for two sleepovers in two weeks, which both had sexual intimacy but he wouldnt let me sleep in the bed, i slept in the spare room and he wouldnt let me cuddle him, asked me not to touch him etc, things really hit me how close we were to over but there were glimmers of hope, we started going to church together, he lets me touch his leg, kiss his cheek etc, but says he still doesnt know and he cant get happy around me and ive ruined everything, ruined our future etc. its very up and down between talking about a future together in ways and then talking about there not being one and it is very confusing to know where i stand! this last week, i spent 6 nights at our house and he didnt ask to take me home, confusing 6 days of seeming on a good path to next second him yelling at me that its all over etc i honestly from church and researching and learning plus counselling think i am a whole different person already, willing to take responsibility for what i have done and dote on my partner with whatever he needs from me to get through this even though the downs are hard not to make you lose hope, i have learnt to get through them by loving him and not defending my actions at all. the last night i stayed there he actually came into the spare room in the morning and layed his head on my chest, talking to me not about what had happened but other future goals he has and how things are going for him business wise, i was extremely happy because the fact he layed on me meant the world of difference to me than he had been the weeks prior to this, however he still would tell me that he can see ive changed and ive found something in my life (god) but he still needs space, and dropped me back to my sisters that day, when i said i love you to him as i left the car he said 'you too' which isnt something ive been able to get from him since dday, normally he will just ignore me, so again it meant the world to me thinking we were on a path, then he text me later that night that i had cheated him out of a long term relationship and he doesnt want me to think things are good between us cause he still doesnt know. i asked if he was being loyal to me while deciding what he wants to do and he said of course, also something along the lines of youre going to hate yourself in the future for how loyal ive been to you, which i understand most of these comments come from pain but at the same time they hurt. what can i do to help this process other than what i am already doing? i have gotten to the point of not emotionally reacting and affirming how sorry i am, id never do it again and he is all that i want, which is 100% truth from my heart and soul but he of course (i dont blame him) doesnt believe me.

2 comments posted: Tuesday, February 11th, 2025