Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Like I've Never Used My Eyes Before

A month ago my wife admitted that 8 years ago, she kissed a friend of ours, someone we both worked with. Our families took trips together. We have 2 kids, they have 4. She also admitted that a year ago, she slept with him once. I also have to frequently work with AP and from time to time, AP's wife.

She is beginning to do the work. We did the timeline, and that's where I learned it was actually an 8-year-long emotional affair where they made out several times, but still supposedly only had sex once. That sex was the final act of the affair, supposedly.

We are using the Courage to Stay book as our guide. I also have the Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse for her. She is reading it. I've been STD tested and we are both all good there.

She does not want her AP's wife to ever know. I feel that allowing that to remain secret makes me part of their conspiracy. That I condone it. My wife says she doesn't want her to know because AP's wife won't be able to keep it from blowing up. Blowing up for us means my wife and AP lose their jobs (they are public-facing people of trust)...it also means our kids find out, their kids find out, and will likely be one of the biggest scandals my town has seen in a while. So I get why. But it's not right, and I don't feel that she's really ready to move on. I don't want to punish her, but I'm afraid she's just unwilling to accept any negative consequences other than the ones directly between us.

Edited to add: AP sometimes still has to be around my children. My wife has close relationships with AP's children and "hopes that one day I'll just be okay with that."

Sorry if this is scattered or if I've left anything out that was important. I'm still trying to figure out how my body works now that I've been pulled out of the Matrix...

47 comments posted: Wednesday, July 9th, 2025