Minimization, rug sweeping, and comfort
My full story was posted JFO, but I'd like to get some feedback from the Waywards out there also.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667279/startup-woes/
Long story short is that, in June, I discovered that my WW was having an EA & PA with her biotech startup cofounder. She's unwilling to leave the company that she's started, and objectively, I get it: she's put a MASSIVE amount of work into this project (yes, at the expense of her family) and they're just starting to get big money investors. She's built herself quite a professional reputation & network, and her work has become an integral part of her identity. All that's to say that she won't go NC with AP. And that's despite me showing her the pain that their continued contact inflicts on me.
So I've been reeling for months. Since D-day they've had very limited physical contact, as AP lives in a different city, but obviously they have to communicate regularly. Through months of vigilance I've seen WW soothing AP and seeking her own emotional comfort. All the while "trying" to do some version of reconciliation with me. And honestly, we've had some relatively good times. Well, about 10 days ago I caught her again messaging AP about the family trip we just took and revealing that she couldn't stop thinking about him. In fact, she walked in the room as I read the message, and I told her in that moment that I wanted a divorce.
Nothing happened for a bit while I withdrew emotionally (part gray rock/part 180) and last night, I finally have it all sorted out. I've got an attorney lined up and I tell WW it's time to start working out the details of the settlement. Well, somehow I think I took her by surprise. Like this hadn't been the path we'd been on for months now. She admitted that she doesn't want a divorce and hasn't consulted her own legal counsel (I fully believe her; she's very high achieving but don't think she's really mentally engaged with her actions or their potential consequences).
She was weepy, and me, seeing my partner of 18 years in an emotional crises, felt the need to console her. Which led to us {sigh} having sex...
Now here we are today, and she sat me down to ask that I reconsider my pursuit of divorce. That she will do better about maintaining a strictly professional relationship with AP. That she doesn't want to lose me. That there must be a way to get through this where she can keep the job that she loves.
So, I know that, objectively, staying together is a terrible idea. At some point they will have to resume travel together. Meet investors together. Celebrate victories together. Work through intensely stressful periods together. And I'll have to suffer through my wife spending significant energy building something together with her AP.
My therapist says I often minimize what's happened/happening. And I'm probably doing it again now. But damn it, I find so much comfort with my wife and I still fantasize about an amazing NEW relationship with her. Something way better than what we had before. There's a teensy part of me that thinks, maybe I should risk it?
Please folks, especially waywards, hit me with some hard truths.
41 comments posted: Thursday, September 17th, 2026
Startup woes
We’ve been together for about 18 years and married for 13. We have two middle school-aged children and live abroad. My wife is the CEO of a small startup, and about 2 months ago I discovered that she’d been having an affair with the co-founder of the same company for the past 9 months.
Obviously, I was devastated at D-day but – maybe because of the shock, or it’s in my nature to try to fix things – I was all in on reconciliation. Within the first week I started digging into all the information available online, started IC for the first time, and tried to put together a detailed boundary framework.
The core problem with the boundaries is that, because she's CEO and he's co-founder, true no-contact is essentially impossible without one of them leaving the company. And after pouring her heart into building this thing over the past 3 years, it’s become her identity. In fact, when I first brought up the idea that I wouldn’t be able to handle her continuing to work with him – something I’ve brought up several times since discovery – her response was something like, "but I’ve worked so hard for this." Clearly not the response of, "I’ll do anything to save the marriage," that I was looking for.
Over the weeks now we’ve fought, we’ve made up, I’ve tried pulling away from her emotionally and physically at times, only to succumb to my urges for closeness and intimacy with her. She’s initiated her own IC and has been apologetic for the betrayal, for "ruining my life", for how much she’s disappointed me, etc. But at the end of the day, there really hasn’t been any behavior change to speak of. She continues working closely with her AP, though they do so remotely and have limited physical interaction as they live and work in different cities. That said, at some point they will need to travel together for work, which absolutely guts me.
So last week I finally told her, calmly, soberly, and with minimal emotion, that as long as they remain in contact I believe the affair is ongoing. That I’m suffering immensely knowing that she continues to work with him daily, and that I’m sure they still have social contact beyond what’s needed professionally. And that if she can’t cut contact with him, I will have to leave for my own mental health, self-respect, and dignity.
For the first time, I think she truly understood the impact of what she’s done. I think she'd been hoping we could sweep this all under the rug and move on. She was visibly shaken.
So now, I wait. But not for long. We’re actually on vacation with the kids – something that had been planned months ago. But when we get back home, I’ll need to demand an answer. Me or the company + AP. Thing is, even if she chooses to leave the company, I can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to reconcile. She's clearly not the person I thought she was. This whole thing is just so messed up…
Just wanted to share my story. Eager to hear any insights or shared experiences.
82 comments posted: Friday, August 14th, 2026
