Devastated and don't know what to do

DDay was 3 weeks ago. We've been together for 25 years and married 23 years. We had what I thought a good marriage before all this.

I found out that my H has been having an emotional affair with a woman he met online. He created another email and social media account for this purpose. The affair has been going on for 8 months when I found out.

He has never locked his phone, so I never suspected anything. I trusted him wholeheartedly. I don't know why I would reached for his phone that night.. and when I opened his phone, and there it was.. the chat with the AP, talking about me! He forgot to close the chat and switch accounts.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. They're talking about my perimenopause symptoms and joked about it, and the "I love you" s and the love emoticon bombing. I couldn't scrolled up again to read the previous chat. I was too shocked and shaken up pretty bad. He's like totally another person. I couldn't recognised him in that chat. He never use emoticons when he texts me.

When I confronted him about the affair. He immediately confessed and apologized. He totally cutoff contact with the AP without any closure. He deleted the email and the social media account in front of me. He also blocked her account from his real account.

When I asked him why he did this. He said that he's looking for the wrong validations and that he has porn and masturbation addiction. He also told me details about the sex chat with the AP. When I asked him if he loved her, he said yes. But he said he was over her, he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore. He said that it was for fun in the beginning. She texted him first and he responded. He said he was loving the experience of online dating. Later, he wasn't sure that it was love.. It was lust.

So I found out about the affair and the addiction all in one day. I couldn't function normally from that day since. My hearts starts pounding loudly and hands shaking everytime the intrusive thoughts comes.

He's been showing deep remorse and has been pursuing me daily and consistently. He gave me the passwords for all his accounts. He's been buying me flowers every week as a reminder so that he won't go back. He immediately booked an appointment with a counselor and has gone there twice. He's looking at SAA, too. He sits with me everytime I got triggers, and he cries with me. He gave me full access to his calendar and schedule. He would report to me his whereabouts and people he met without I'm asking.

He said that he still loves me, and even more now. He's truly sorry for hurting me deeply. He is doing the work to rebuilt our marriage. He said he can't live without me and the children.

I know I should be happy with his efforts, but I don't feel like I can trust him again the way I trusted him before. I'm still sad, devastated, betrayed, and angry at him. I said I've forgiven him, but everytime new info came out, I would spiralled again. I still have questions but afraid to ask.

I really want to heal from this. I have 3 kids to take care of. I've been a wrecked this past 3 weeks that my kids keep asking me if I'm okay, but of course I couldn't tell them. I never feel so lonely.

I'm sorry if my story is unstructured and my English is bad, I'm from Indonesia and English is my 2nd language. I just need to get this out of my system or I'll go crazy.

Thank you for all your supports. I really need this group/forum.

0 comment posted: Friday, October 2nd, 2026