It's pretty normal for a BH to feel a lot of anger around the 1-year mark.
By the way, did you do anything to acknowledge "anti-versary" dates? The first date they kissed. The first date they fucked. The date you found out. It's healing to be mindful of those dates, even if you don't do anything to formally acknowledge them.
In general terms, the arc of emotions that a BH experiences goes through several phases. Of course individual circumstances vary and details matter, but what we see a lot:
A. Dday-end of first year: "The Rollercoaster". Your emotions vacillate wildly from "I love this woman and dammit I'll go through Hell and high water to keep her" to "I hate this Jezebel" to "I want to be dead" to "I can't do this, I need a divorce", then back again.
B. Some time around the end of year 1, the anger sets in. It's good to be angry. Normal. It's unhealthy to bottle it up. Short of physical and gratuitous emotional abuse, you should let her see your anger. Radical honesty from both the WW and the BH is really the only path to healing a marriage, if there is a path. Like I said, the default path is divorce.
In your case, I think the flames of your anger are being fanned by your lurking awareness that your WW is not owning her shit. This false narrative she's selling ("I felt neglected/unwanted, I thought you were cheating") is a load of BS. She knows it, you know it, but for now what I'm hearing from you is that she has been getting away with it. It feels to me like your R will be stalled if she doesn't take ownership of the fact that she sought this out because she wanted a man other than you inside of her, and that it would likely still be going on had she not been caught. It's her lack of honesty about this that is irking you.
Also the way she is forcing you to bear this alone. At least some in your inner circle should know. The truth is the truth. Essentially you're living a masquerade in public at this point.
C. At some point, around the end of year 3 for a lot of BH's, you reach what is referred to as the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". That's the realization that, no matter what you do, if you remain married, what you have is the best you'll get, forever. The rest of your life stretches out before you like standing at the edge of a great plain. What you see is a reality that, every day for the rest of your life, her A and her AP will be present in your consciousness at some level. An unwelcome and unwanted companion that your WW brought into the marriage. The shit sandwich.
It might help you to explore this web site for threads discussing the distinction between regret and remorse. I find that a lot of newcomers here don't fully grok this distinction. Regret is her feeling bad about the fallout from what she has done. She was caught. You see her as a cheater. The OBW sees her as a whore or such. The AP just wanted some free pussy and now your WW realizes that's pretty much all she meant to him. She wishes that she wasn't in a circumstance where her husband was angry at her all the time and she could feel good about herself.
I would urge you, by the way, to be mindful of your KISA tendencies. It's common for BH's to want to fix things for our wives, even including their bad feelings arising from the very circumstances they created by cheating. It's a certain cognitive dissonance that BH's tend to wallow in.
But I digress. In contrast to regret, remorse is grounded in empathy. It is a sense of truly understanding your trauma, your sexual humiliation and emasculation, and taking proactive steps to help you heal. To be honest, you have not described any actions of your WW that indicate remorse, but of course we can only respond here based on info you provide, and I realize there is probably a lot of water under the bridge that you've not discussed here.
However, one of the hallmarks of remorse is an eager willingness by the WW to discuss every detail of the A, right down to the "dirty details" with blunt, locker-room honesty, whenever the BH wants to discuss them. It's normal for a BH to ask questions about this stuff over and over and over, ad nauseum. Another hallmark of remorse is where your WW learns to anticipate things that trigger you, and to be there in advance to give you comfort. Another is her injecting a lot of proactive energy into demonstrating that she truly desires you as a man. There are others. Has she really shown remorse?
I ask that, because above, you say this:
She has offered to have a 3some if I thought it would help. I feel she truly does want me to just get past it and somehow be at ease. And I think it's for the right reasons.
Nope. It's not for the "right reasons". That regret/remorse dialectic. Tons of cheaters, maybe most, respond to being caught by, among other things, suggesting a hall pass or a 3some or such. This, my friend, is an artifact of regret, not an indicator of remorse. The twisted cheater logic goes something like this: "I feel bad about myself because I cheated. I see my husband is suffering because I directed sexual energy and gave sexual pleasure to another man. Maybe if I let my husband get sexual pleasure from another woman, we'll be even somehow, he will no longer be bothered by this. The feeling like I'm a bad spouse will go away."
It's a selfish, inwardly-directed motivator. That whole concept of "get past it," it's fundamentally not an indicator of healing. In true R, the cheated spouse never "gets past it". As I said above, the A is a plus one in the marriage, forever. You don't "get past it". You might learn to live with it.
Sex with another person is fun. It's new and thrilling. But a big part of the thrill of adulterous sex is the secrecy, the illicit nature, the sense that you're being naughty and taking something you oughtn't take. A hall pass or a 3some won't provide that thrill to you as a BH. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. That's your choice. Just saying it won't make things in any way "even".
I was reminded of something you said above, about your WW initially choosing a married man specifically because she felt that would yield a lower likelihood of being caught. As you note, it also means that your WW specifically decided that she would shit on another woman's marriage, in addition to shitting on her own marriage. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever read a thread where a WW was that deliberate about this specific issue in advance of selecting her AP. In most cases, the AP presents via happenstance, somebody who is conveniently in her life already at the time she is making choices that lead to cheating. Somehow, her conscious decision to cheat in advance, and specifically to disrespect another woman (the OBW) in that way, that smacks of such a loathsome moral character.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:47 PM, Thursday, August 18th]