SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I'm in reconciliation or something like it. I'm really just taking it a day at a time and seeing what each new day brings. But tonight while driving I heard some love songs that have always been beautiful to me. So much music that is one of the simplest, most pure pleasures in life. Music is one of those spices of life that make it meaningful. Love is one of the most beautiful things we get to experience and inspires so much music, some of it transcendent even. But now I'm stuck always wondering if in WW's heart this music would recall that magical feeling of falling in love with AP. She says not, of course. She says she sees him with just shame and regret and there's nothing nostalgic or magical in her memory with him. But is that true? Maybe. I'll never know. I can't see through her eyes. The fact is that movies like "Titanic" exist, in which the main character after a long marriage and life lived with a husband, at the end reveals her heart was always with the one who got away. Movies like that exist because it's a very real human experience. So what would these songs mean to her? For whom do love songs spark her heart? I guess I'll always have this tinge of doubt, even if reconciliation is successful. Has anyone else ever thought about this? Anyone have any thoughts that may be helpful? It makes me kind of sad. I loved the music. Now the music is tainted. Maybe forever.

Yes, it was viscerally painful to listen to love songs after my husband’s affair, for all the reasons you mention and more. It was especially hard to listen to love songs that had always been special to me and that I had thought of as representative of our love. They still give me a pang; I don’t really listen to love songs now except some that are ambivalent/bittersweet. Romantic movies and shows are also hard for me; much harder actually than it is to watch shows where there is infidelity. Even now that I feel mostly ok I avoid listening to/watching that stuff. It’s hard to lose it.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

You raise some valid points.

I’m certain there are people who settled for their spouse and "the one that got way" situation applies. Thinking the cheater still harbors romantic feelings for the OM/OW is possible.

In my case the OW was 20+ years younger, single and no kids. My H’s mid life crisis affair led him to believe he "deserved to be happy" no matter what.

I watched this "affair" turn him into someone I didn’t recognize. After the affair finally ended, he was filled with deep regret and shame etc.

I think back to my past and I have regret towards guys I dated. Jerks. Cheaters. Not good guys. That is why I believe that cheaters can and are filled with Shame and regret about the affair.

You cannot control someone’s thoughts and you never really know what people are thinking. But if you are R and things are going well, blind faith is all you really have.

Has anyone else ever thought about this?

I did...at first. The thing is...we Betrayeds are thinking logically about our Waywards A...trying to make sense of it. I learned that NOTHING about an A makes sense. NOTHING.

I also thought the vets on here were CRAZY when they told me that my H's A had NOTHING to do about ME. OF COURSE IT WAS ABOUT ME!!! That is...until I learned...through time...that his A actually was all about HIM .

Another little nugget of truth I found was that once the adultery co-conspirator realized they were USED by the other adultery co-conspirator in the A...they really didn't see the A in a good light anymore. I would go on other sites besides this one...where the Waywards weren't remorseful like they are on here. I would especially glean a lot from the OW Support Forums. At first they had this romantic ideal about the A...until "their MM" would dump them after the wife found out . The SOB stories from these poor wittle women who just KNEW that THEIR A was DIFFERENT...until they found out it really wasn't...it was very eye opening for them...and not in a good way.

From all of this...I have seen on here...and could understand where your wife is thinking about there being NOTHING nostalgic or magical about her A. Reading your previous posts though...I can certainly understand why you don't believe her with the lying she has been doing (((HUGS))).

Anyone have any thoughts that may be helpful?

I have some thoughts that were helpful for ME. As is usual on this wonderful site...take the advice that works for YOU...and leave the rest . What helped ME may not help YOU...but it is the only experience I can write about.

I came up with a mantra shortly after Dday...I AM GOING TO OWN THIS A . I figured that my H and his adultery co-conspirator had taken enough with their very selfish acts...I REFUSED to let them take anymore!!! I started working on taking back...or OWNING things such as dates...sexual acts...etc. I busted through triggers like a bull in a China shop...scorching the earth on anything that would have been relevant to the A...making it MINE again .

This is the thought from your title and how you wrote that they stole music from you. But it doesn't necessarily help in you writing about love songs. You are so right...you can't possibly KNOW what is going on in your wife's mind. This is why it is often written on here...ACTIONS over WORDS. My H's actions after Dday sure showed me that he was ALL IN for R. It was MUCH different than it was from the previous 2 years when he was having OA's...and then ended up having a 9 1/2 week PA when he was working alone overseas.

Have you been able to see a difference in her actions after your last Dday? What is your GUT telling you? ALWAYS trust your GUT!!

I definitely relate. I hear love songs and don’t immediately associate them with me, I feel like they are for WW and POSOM. Sucks. Just a simple joy tainted.
My kids asked me the other day why I like sad Christmas songs so much. I guess those still feel like mine.

I know you said you are targeting divorce, but she said she would use the 1 yr required separation time to prove to you she’s fixed herself and is still the one for you.

What has she been doing to show you just that.

As for the music, ask her to write to you what each of these songs mean to her in light of her affair. If it were me, it put a Spotify playlist of the songs together and tell her she ruined them for you and ask her to write a paragraph about each one and what they now mean to her.

It’ll be telling if she does it and what she says about them.

Afterward, if you actually are engaging with her these days, you can sit and review it and talk about her responses and how she knows she doesn’t think of the AP instead of you when she hears them.

I remember being where you are and feeling what you're feeling about music. It definitely triggers an emotional response doesn't it? Sometime in that first year of R, I asked my husband if there were songs that reminded him of his AP. To his credit, he answered truthfully, there was. He told me which one. I thanked him for his honesty. To this day, we skip that song or change the station if it comes on. I definitely recommend asking. To me, I'd rather know the truth than wonder.

About 'the one that got away", the concept is silly. It's always reserved for high school boyfriends and casual flings that never would have worked in the real world (you know, kind of like Rose and Jack). Not so coincidentally, these relationships occurred at a time when there were no real responsibilities or stressors. Much like affairs, it's easy to romanticize something that was never sullied by the mundanity of jobs and kids and bills and laundry (in other words, REAL LIFE). It was important to me that my husband came around to disliking the AP. she was my enemy and I wanted him on my team. She was someone who lied and cheated and acted in a way that intentionally hurt me. It didn't take him too long to come around - I imagine that might take a bit longer for someone who had a "love" affair. If we have to talk about her now, we call her "that hoe".

I thought that you had decided to file for divorce. If not, what changed your mind?