SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

an opportunity to find my bitch boots and put myself first, eventually.

I particularly liked that part! Whatever the male equivalent is, that's what I need.

You seem to be where I'd like to be, though it's been fourteen years in my case, and I'm really only starting the process now.

I've had a further read of your original post and one or two replies.

I've just referred myself to Relate (UK). I don't know if their l this is the right place, but it's a start. I bitterly regret not doing this at the time of the exceptionally unpleasant revelations, but I was a complete novice at being a BS! I was thinking earlier today that it was like putting an intern in charge of a major negotiation.

Waiting so long, I've made things more difficult, but we are where we are. Although I'm certain my wife doesn't understand the damage done by her affair(s), I'm also certain that she loves me deeply. Haven't got time to go into how I know that.

Anyway, thanks for your thread.

"But then there was the part where I couldn’t fully reach him emotionally, I used to joke that we cannot argue as he was refusing to engage in any argument."

I experienced precisely this in our marriage. I used to sometimes tell him that it felt that I loved him far more then he loved me. I told him I felt there was this barrier between us, that there wasn't the emotional connection between us that there should be. He used to just tell me that I was being daft, list the "ways" he shows he clearly does love me. He couldn't quite grasp the idea that just because he (same as your husband) spent all of his time with us and wasn't having lads nights out like other people he knew, that it could possibly be true. He thought because we both enjoyed the same stuff, shared the same humour and were always very affectionate, that this IS an emotional connection. He would then become very stone-wally. And I would start to doubt myself and believed my expectations were too high - until the same knawing doubts came back.

We didn't really used to argue either. He was far too horizontal for that. I never really saw him angry. Even when his ex alienated him from his older children, I wondered where the fire was in his belly. He used to be so passive. We used to joke that he was dead inside 😪

I think the worst thing for me, was that I never really felt like he had my back. I used to worry, what if I get cancer, or even just break a leg. How will *I* get the kids to school. How will *I* support the kids. How will *I* cope. I felt that should the sh!t hit the fan, I'll be on my own. I didn't feel like I had a team mate, not really. But he never saw it, because you know, he did his fair share around the house and was a great hands on dad that never missed a sports day.

Unfortunately sh!t did hit the fan on a few occasions pre-dday. Sadly he proved my fears correct. I was a one man band, with him more concerned that I wasn't giving him or the kids enough attention.

However, moving forward - do I think he would be there for me in time of crisis? A very reserved yes. Do I feel like there is an emotional connection? Yes, but its clouded with doubt that what I'm seeing is temporary.

I totally understand what you are saying, when you say that going through tough experiences together post dday, can rebuild the marriage.

And like I say, I admire you so much for your strength in rebuilding your marriage and finding happiness together again. And Oldwounds, the fact that you can offer so much grace to your wife...you are both truly amazing people.

So WHY is it that the idea of me doing the exact same thing, and extending any grace, leaves me wallowing in my pit of shame? Why am I living by one rule for me, another for everyone else???

Great post Luna.

I want to elaborate a bit on this sage piece of advice:

- Forget reconciliation or divorce for a bit, put yourself first, invest in yourself (financially, emotionally, physically) and the rest will come.

I totally agree... but... right after d-day and the following weeks/months you also need to be realistic about the dangers your relationship is facing. It makes sense – as part of the "put yourself first" stage – to take the precautions of getting a realistic picture of your options and to realize that a very likely outcome from what you are dealing with is the termination of your marriage.
This doesn’t equate to deciding there and then to divorce or reconcile, but more that you have a reasonably realistic picture of what might be required for either options.

So WHY is it that the idea of me doing the exact same thing, and extending any grace, leaves me wallowing in my pit of shame? Why am I living by one rule for me, another for everyone else???

It could be much more about your brain working to protect you than anything else.

Or it could simply be, no matter how many hundreds of calculations you make, you don’t see a path to a relationship you want and deserve.

And Oldwounds, the fact that you can offer so much grace to your wife...you are both truly amazing people.

Kind of you to say, but I don’t see myself with any extra level of amazing than any of us recovering from the horror show of infidelity.

I didn’t even know R was a thing.

Someone cheats, the other moves on, end of story, end of M. That’s how I always saw it. If my high school class had a category for it, I would have been voted "least likely to R" by anyone who knew me.

The change for me, once I let go of the outcome, and once I understood none of my wife’s bad choices defined me — suddenly I became curious about what I would want from ANY relationship going forward.

As for shame, all I ever did was love my family and there is no shame in that. So I let that go, and then told my wife what I wanted from life and from any M. She wanted the same thing, and then we started to frame the foundation and rebuild from there. Two flawed people who stopped hedging and holding back and working very hard to get here.

The deal is broken and I think you are still assessing risk WhiskeyBlues — which is extremely normal. Be kind to you, give yourself more time and more room to decide — there will be a moment when you’ll know, be it R or moving on solo, what you want.

Thank you for sharing.

This gives me hope for the future of my marriage. 2 years since the day I found out.

@Luna10 Amazing post. I am only six months into our attempt at R. It took me a while to figure out that I needed to make my needs/wants/desires a priority and make my wife's secondary. This was very alien to me as I felt it was my responsibility/duty to put my spouse first (putting the you know what on a pedestal) and I now believe this gave her the "power" to do what she did knowing full well that "I knew you would be upset if you found out but not this upset". She figured I would just get over it. I guess when I asked her to pack a bag and leave the day after D-Day she quickly figured out she was very wrong.

It took me a while to figure out the "pick me" dance was only harming me and empowering her. Once I stopped doing it I regained equal footing in the relationship and I could finally see things in a clearer light.

Once I accepted the reality that I can only control my myself, that I cannot make someone honor their own morals, that someone is going to cheat if she decides to and I was powerless to stop it I stopped worrying about it BECAUSE IT'S BEYOND MY CONTROL :)

I started focusing on what makes me happy even if my wife doesn't like it. To be clear, I'm not doing anything that is not compatible with my definition of a marriage. I found a group that does fun activities (sand volleyball) and I am having a blast and I'm doing it alone. It didn't feel "right" telling my wife she wasn't being included but I needed an outlet that had nothing to do with her in case we split up.

I asked her one night "How would you feel if a member was having a party and I was invited?" and she instantly replied "I would not be comfortable with that" but minutes later said "It's irrational for me to feel that way. You have not done anything to make me think you are not committed to our relationship (yeah, no sh*t, you did) so it would be okay." She went out with coworkers one Friday night at the end of the school year a few years ago (I was never comfortable with coworkers drinking without spouses present and she knew that) and at one point she sent a text "We are going to someone's house." Allegedly a group went to a teacher's house to continue the party. I kinda blew up when she got home over the text AND finding out she rode to the party with a female coworker (allegedly) since she felt she shouldn't be driving. She didn't see the issue with the generic text. Later I felt like I was wrong for being upset. These days I feel my anger was very justified hence the reason I asked her how she felt about me being invited to a member's house for a party. It may seem like a double standard but she has no standing to doubt my commitment but I do hers so her going to a party alone is a no-go hard boundary these days. I'm waiting to see if he coworkers plan a Halloween get together the day after (Halloween is on a Thursday) and she asks about going.

These days I say what's on my mind regardless if my words will hurt. I never say anything simply to cause pain but my thoughts and words do cause her pain. In the past I couldn't do this.

I've made peace with the fact that I or she may one day decide the relationship doesn't work anymore and I know I'll be fine alone. Before the affair I believed that my wife made me complete. Now I realize I already am.

Once the shock and fear and sadness of an affair start to subside and you start to think clearer you start to realize that you are not powerless.

Luna, You have been on this path for, like, all the time you've asserted yourself. It's really a time to celebrate. I'm very happy for you that your H realized you were and are the prize. I expect he is now a prize, too.

*****

Putting oneself first shouldn't require bitch boots. I think focusing on oneself, figuring out what one wants and requires and giving up trying to control the outcome are probably the keys to good relationships, certainly for romantic relationships. If both (all?) partners know and state what they want, they can figure out if they're a good fit for each other.

In the early days after d-day, I basically demanded what I wanted. My W knew she could refuse, but she also knew I take refusals into account in making my decision to go or stay. I never said it, but she had a right to state what she wanted, too. It took a long time for her to assert herself, though.

We found that we had some requirements and some wants that weren't requirements. I like some foods that my W can't eat without getting sick. I've chosen to eat less of those foods than I'd like. W really cares about how her environment looks, but she accepted having a hi-fi with 4'-5' tall speakers and records and CDs on the floor, chairs, coffee table in the living room long ago.

Even so, it turns out that what we want fits together better than we had realized.

IDK what we would have done if it turned out that our requirements clashed. I like to think we would have hugged each other and split.

Love is not enough. IOW, after betrayal, it's best to spend time figuring out what one really wants and how attainable that is before deciding whether to stay or go.