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Had a talk last night with my WW. Many know my back story, been 3-1/2 years since DDay. She’s never shown remorse, she’s maybe said I’m sorry 2 or 3 times. She’s never engaged in any healing activity. She just wanted to move on and be happy. As I’ve struggled through the years, she’s never been there for me emotionally. I told her if she didn’t seek counseling that I didn’t see a path forward for us. She went to 2 EAP sessions through work to which she told me last night that her counselor told her there was nothing wrong with her. During discussions she’s always made me feel like the affair was my fault. So last night I told her that I feel like I’m just her replacement for her AP. Go somewhere, hiking, biking, whatever, have some fun, maybe some sex, then that’s it. Never deal with the realities of life. Don’t talk about or deal with difficult issues. So last night I told her my therapist in yesterday’s session asked me what I get out of this relationship. After some thought my answer was companionship, but to delve deeper into that answer it made me realize I get nothing more than I can get from any of my friends, (well, aside from some occasional sex). I told her I don’t need more friends, I want a life partner. Her answer was that if I can’t get my needs met from her then I may as well find someone who can meet them. At that instant I knew we were done. She never even put up a fight. Not one ounce of effort to save the relationship. I know know my true value to her. Zero!

I am so sorry for you.

I hope you recognize that she has alot of problems and she’s not a good person. She appears to be a cold heartless person.

She cannot give you what you need because she doesn’t have it in her to give. She cannot love you if she doesn’t love herself. She cannot help you heal or care about your healing if she has no remorse or empathy.

The fact that she blames you is all the information you need to know she’s a very selfish person who takes no accountability for her actions.

However you need to know you are facing a difficult road ahead if you move to Divorce her. She’s not going to want to give you half of anything. She’s not going to want to give up her lifestyle and may become very vindictive towards you.

I’d suggest that you have camera in your home. Also have a camera or recoding device on you at all times. You don’t want her alleging that you hit her or
Were involved in a domestic violence incident. Without proof you didn’t hit her - you could be arrested.

I’m sorry she just strikes me as that person who would pull something like that. Let you sit in jail for something you did not do.

Get a lawyer. Get good advice. Move on from her and live a quiet peaceful life filled with joy. You deserve better.

Our two adult children and her entire family don’t know of the affair even after 3-1/2 years. She’s going to have some fallout to deal with.

I know she’s broken, I’ve wanted to help her for so long but she just can’t do it.

I’m so sorry, Coping. But it sounds like a good decision. I’m sure there will be hard days ahead, but this can only be a good thing in the long run.

You gave her more than anyone could ever be asked to give. Walk away with your head high and eyes wide open.

It is truly amazing to me how some people can value a relationship so strongly and others can be so callous and treat it as disposable. I wish the second group would just stay out of the dating pool.

So sorry it came to this. Now you need to focus on you.
The VAR/cameras are a good idea. See a few lawyers and start the process.
Keep up the IC.
Evaluate your finances and make sure you protect what is yours.

And hang in there. You will get through this.

I don’t have any advice to give- just sympathy and compassion. And encouragement to go date! There are women who also want what you do. And man oh man, you are already leagues above the competition by going through this process and learning about yourself and relationships. You’re a catch!!!

You are making the best decision for yourself. The fact that she believes there is nothing wrong with her and has done no self introspection and has not been a good candidate for R is all you need to know to move forward. There is life after infidelity and D. In fact life is limitless and there are some really amazing people out there who are not like your WS.

D is not an easy road but well worth your freedom from this hell. I lived it too with my xWS for far too many years I wish I had pulled the plug on my M after first D-Day but it took me a while to figure out who my xWS really was.

I would definitely tell your adult kids why you are getting a D and what lead up to it. I would not shield your WS from any of the fallout.

Definitely be prepared to see a real ugly side to her during D. She may become vindictive as one poster mentioned. My xWS waffled between vindictive and love bombing and both those tactics pushed me further and further along the path out of my M.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:20 PM, Tuesday, October 8th]

Can I ask what you were trying to help her with?

I think that can give us some further insight into your situation.

You accepted she wouldn't change 3 months ago, and again talked with her last night and confirmed this.

Her answer was that if I can’t get my needs met from her then I may as well find someone who can meet them. At that instant I knew we were done.

As a world class waffler myself, I'm curious. Do you think she will walk this back? Say you took it the wrong way? Will you accept her explanation after the fact? I could probably pull up a dozen examples of me being done with my wife (in the moment). Yet here I am, happily R'd. Not after accepting her crumbs and walk backs, but after taking a decisive stand in terms of what exactly are the wants, needs, and goals here.

I agree with her, you know. If she won't meet your needs, you should leave. So she isn't exactly wrong here.

Did you write out your needs, wants, and goals in your marriage as part of your attempt at R? It's hard to go back and check your old threads. I found that incredibly helpful.

Are you actually going to file for divorce, or are you just "done" right now?

Followed your story. We are very much the same. I’ve stayed in "R" for my kids and finances, but in my heart I know when my youngest is in university (3.5 years), I will be done… unless she truly has an epiphany and really changes. When my two closest friends check-in with me I tell them it’s a 75% chance I will throw in the towel as you did. Not trying to thread-jack, just acknowledging you’re not alone.

Really not trying to pick on you OP, but I can’t understand why you attempted R with a clearly unremorseful adulteress. ABSOLUTELY tell your kids the truth of what she did, and your *incredible* efforts to save the M, but that with an unrepentant woman, you have nothing to work with here, and that she has no desire to help you, much less change herself.

I am glad you now see the futility of continuing a relationship with her. You’re worth so much more!

I know know my true value to her. Zero!

Whenever I see people post things like this, I know they are dealing with abandonment wounds. Abandonment issues from childhood keep us trapped in hurtful or abusive relationships as adults because we attribute ALL of their hurtful behavior as a condemnation of us (we're so unlovable!) instead of them (they are so unlovable!). So yes, her very poor attitude SHOULD be making you think how unlovable she is, yet you have blamed yourself.

Try to stop. Fight these feelings of being "not enough" for her or anyone. These feelings, these lies you are telling yourself, are keeping you trapped in this M and chasing crumbs.

You are enough when YOU feel, believe, admit, embrace that you are enough. For anything or anyone! Her opinion? Who the $uck cares! She's a broken, dysfunctional woman, so why would I care about her opinion? You shouldn't either.

Your ability to exit this abusive cycle rests on finding your value and belief in yourself. That power and strength will allow you to let go. Chasing her love (or anyone's) never makes us feel full. It's like eating candy for dinner, a sugar high. But it doesn't fill you up. Only real value that comes from YOU, value you feel and believe about you, only that feeling will sustain you. Chase that. Love yourself.

Let go of this M and learn to really love and value yourself. You will find true happiness that way.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:19 AM, Wednesday, October 9th]

Can I ask what you were trying to help her with?

She has suffered childhood trauma from the loss of her parents, first her mother at age 10, then her father at 23. Shes had to learn to be alone most of her life as her father kind of left her to take care of herself for the most part. She sort of self isolates and she can’t/wont open up about her feelings. She deals with abandonment issues and I always wished I could help her to be more open and enjoy what she has, but she always wants something else, she just doesn’t seem to know what.

As a world class waffler myself, I'm curious. Do you think she will walk this back? Say you took it the wrong way? Will you accept her explanation after the fact? I could probably pull up a dozen examples of me being done with my wife (in the moment). Yet here I am, happily R'd. Not after accepting her crumbs and walk backs, but after taking a decisive stand in terms of what exactly are the wants, needs, and goals here.

This is where I feel I am. She’s dug herself into a hole. She didn’t want to put in the work, and now after telling me to find someone else who can meet my needs I’m moving towards D. I won’t say it’s a done deal but now she will have to make monumental effort and change to derail the path I’m on now. Is it possible, yes, is it likey, no, not from what I’ve seen these last few years. I don’t believe she is capable and her denial that she has any issues just reinforced my belief that she is incapable. If she had a "come to Jesus" moment, and was to be able to open up about her shortcomings and actually begin to work on those issues, I’d say R would be possible, but I’m just going to continue along the path to D.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:25 AM, Wednesday, October 9th]

Coping...

I realize that for many this site can be a great place to vent...
Yet... when I look at your older posts I see a very comparable realization way back in 7/29/2024.

For your sake I hope your current determination leads to change.

See my tagline?
I truly believe it and live by it. If I’m unhappy with something then I need to change things. Remaining unhappy is a decision – and if I decide to remain unhappy that is totally on me. It’s not a question of moving from unhappiness to happiness in one swift go, but more of a decision to at least start the process towards a better place.

I urge you to use your new determination to have that talk with her – the one where you tell her that to-date you have been trying to find ways to save the marriage, but now you no longer have that vision. That you are initiating the steps to allow yourself the freedom to find that life-partner you want, and that if she wants that role she has a very limited window of opportunity before you are so far along the path of divorce that you won’t be turned back.

Or... if you are determined to end this relationship then use your determination to do exactly that.

What I would least of all want to see is that you are this determined, only to post again in a couple of months about a new event that makes you determined to change things, only now you mean it...

I want a life partner. Her answer was that if I can’t get my needs met from her then I may as well find someone who can meet them. At that instant I knew we were done. She never even put up a fight. Not one ounce of effort to save the relationship. I know know my true value to her. Zero!

I am betting she gains value from your marriage but not in a way you want her to, who doesn’t think of you how you want her to.

She is a master manipulator, and will work to reel you back in. Your conversation to her signals she just needs to wistfully look off into the distance, and ask what happened to us, is it worth saving? She knows that that is what you want to hear, she knows that she defines your worth in your eyes. She controls your true value. She controls you.

Are these statements above true? That’s up to you to decide.

the one where you tell her that to-date you have been trying to find ways to save the marriage, but now you no longer have that vision. That you are initiating the steps to allow yourself the freedom to find that life-partner you want, and that if she wants that role she has a very limited window of opportunity before you are so far along the path of divorce that you won’t be turned back

Bigger, I fully suspect that in the next day or two the reality of her decision to tell me to find someone else will have really hit home. I expect her to try and reel me back in. Thing is, my last 9 months of therapy have made me realize my self worth. I won’t play into mind games anymore. I’m so done with the sleepless nights and the aggravation of not seeing any progress in her. It’s time to shit or get off the pot I guess.

Update: we hadn’t spoken for 4 days but last night I wanted to clear the air and make sure before she gave up that I didn’t actually say I didn’t want her anymore like she told my mother. Some strong discussions followed for about half an hour. Then she admitted to me that she told her sister and our youngest son everything. That blew me away because I thought she was determined to take that to the grave before letting anyone in her side of the family or especially our children know the truth. Finally a level of accountability I can respect and I let her know that as well. That all being said, she still has personal issues that she likely won’t ever address but as they say, recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

That all being said, she still has personal issues that she likely won’t ever address but as they say, recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

Are you saying that her telling some people about the A is enough for you to run yet another marathon? You don’t have to, you know. She is there with a newly minted proclamation from her therapist that there is "nothing wrong" with her. There is no reason to believe she will change. Are you willing to live the rest of your days with a remorseless, unempathetic betrayer at risk of re-offending at any time? You deserve better, friend.

Hi Coping,

I appreciate your comment

I know she’s broken, I’ve wanted to help her for so long...

This indicates a generous and kind spirit.

May I ask how you: 1. have helped and also 2. plan to further help yourself to heal and grow?
Regards,
FAWH