SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry if this has been posted before, I can’t find a search bar on this site to check.
I was wondering if anyone has any good suggestions for intimacy exercises you were told about? I don’t mean anything saucy! I heard about just hugging each other for a length of time with boundaries for anything else. I’m struggling at the moment with a lack of libido, I get horrible mind images of the photos my husband had taken with himself and the women he slept with. We had the hysterical bonding stage but I just have no desire at the moment. I make myself do it but I find it very difficult. We are 3 years post d day and my husband is dissatisfied with how little sex we have. I’d say it’s about once every two weeks max. I know this isn’t enough, the problem is that he was unhappy with my libido before which he says led him to doing what he did. Now I feel trapped because I just can’t make my libido change, I’ve tried coming off citalopram but I’m not doing well off it which isn’t helping my libido either. Then the stress of putting a strain on things because of my libido makes things worse. It’s like this horrible vicious circle. I’m trying to condense this so it’s not too much of a ramble. We both love each other, we both are committed to making this work. My husband has expressed real remorse. I find myself getting cross about him wanting more intimacy because I feel he created this mess but also guilty and sorry because I made him unhappy before he did what he did. It’s not that I didn’t fancy him or still don’t, it’s a combination of burnt out mum, low self esteem and maybe hormones, u don’t know? Any help gratefully received.

How old are you (I don't see in your bio - and you don't have to answer here)? It potentially matters.

I ask as it seems on here often infidelity pops up when a woman is in her 40s or 50s - just about that time when the ole change is starting to happen. For me, it's still happening, but for those first few years especially, the libido cratered and I chalked it up to the A/a-aftermath. And maybe it was...but maybe it wasn't.

The beginning of peri-menopause coincided with the A and aftermath so I really wasn't sure if the lack of interest was the A, or him, or something to do with my hormones. While hysterical bonding kicked in for me too, it seems my lowered estrogen won out over wanting to have sex with my cheating spouse. And, as it turns out, the lack of desire has lasted quite awhile...to the point I think my sex drive is now just pretty low and likely will be for the remainder of menopause - and maybe forever. So when we do it (which is far less than you and your WS), I'm just going through the motions for the most part. Sometimes once we get going I can get into it but usually I'm happy when it's done, and yeah I have taken to counting how long it's been, not because I want to do it but because I know he does and I feel kind of bad. Now, sex seems like too much work - and the reality is I'd rather just go to sleep AND I'm not sad about that.

So, it is just a thought for you IF you are in that age range - it does happen - and its pretty normal really. We are built to reproduce and when that time is over it makes sense (to me) that our bodies are no longer as interested.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:54 PM, Thursday, October 10th]

thisissolonely,
This is really helpful, thank you!
I am as you guessed mid 40’s and definitely experiencing peri menopause symptoms. Night sweats, mood swings, shorter cycle, my hair has gone really dry and unmanageable. There’s definitely stuff that is going on which is making me feel very un glamorous! This does not help.
What is refreshing to hear is that you don’t seem stressed by your low libido, does your husband make you feel bad about it? My husband has a very high drive and would prefer several times a week if he could. I matched his drive in the beginning of our relationship but miscarriages, threatened pregnancies (where the dr said no sex for the duration of the pregnancy each time), sleep deprivation and my husband being away a lot meant I was burnt out and it really changed from there.
I tried HRT but then was advised to come off it due to a health condition. Maybe I’m being sexist but I do think life gets in the way of a woman’s sex life so much more than a man’s. Our bodies change with pregnancy which is a lot to get used to, hormonal changes and child care are all not very conducive to feeling carefree and up for it!
I’m torn between feeling like I should continue to try to find solutions to this problem but also feeling resentful that on top of having to live the rest of my marriage trying to forgive and forget about what he’s done I’ve got to be criticised for not being in the mood. How am I supposed to be when on top of everything that normally goes on with a woman, I can’t help but get flashbacks of those images I saw. Am I going to end up with a repeat of what he did before? Will that partly be my fault? Or is he asking more of me than the average cheater at this stage? Should he have to put up with an unsatisfying sex life for the rest of his marriage? Or should I have to put up with forcing myself to feel uncomfortable with all the images etc and doing something I’m not in the mood to do? I suppose there has to be a half way point in all of this. I don’t want to make him unhappy but I have also reached a weird point where after 3 years I’m suddenly starting to stand up for myself more and I’m tired of taking on my shoulders that I was 50% of the problem. I’m so unsure of how to handle it all. My personality trait is to massively overthink and beat myself up a lot.
If there is anything positive that comes from coping with all of this kind of thing for any of us BS’s it’s that we learn an enormous amount of self control in trying to cope with all that is thrown at us.

Instead of conventional HRT, look into Bioidentical Hormone Replacement therapy....it has helped her tremendously.

I know this isn’t enough, the problem is that he was unhappy with my libido before which he says led him to doing what he did.

This may have lead to him feeling how he felt/feels. But it did NOT cause him to cheat. Don't even think of taking the blame there. That's a cop out. He was 100% entitled to feel however the lack of sex made him feel. He's 0% entitled to blame his affair on it.

Now back to the issue of libido. It is real, it does suck and it is unpleasant for all involved.

Please continue to work with your Dr. to figure out what the root cause is - even if it is just age/menopause.

Work with yourself to see if you can...let's say...start your engine [if that is something you want]. There are many aids, lubrications, etc. that may help that engine start. You may be one of those people who's engine prefers alternate methods - still sexual but not necessarily intercourse. You figure out YOU. Your body changes, your sexual excitements may as well.

As for the mind movies - I get that. I, personally, F**K them right out of my mind. WH likes it because he gets his. But I make sure I get mine.

It takes a woman and her Dr(s) a bit of work/practice before they find what works for them. And...as life cruel joke... just when you get there and start enjOying life and sex again - it changes.

As for your WH -he needs to figure himself out as well. I hope he's in IC. I don't know him but if he's stuck in the stereotypical teenage hormonal thought process [all kissing = sex or all touching must lead to sex or a backrub should end in sex or...you get the picture] he may have an issue with expectations vs reality.

All long term relationships have peaks and valleys when it comes to sex, libido, intimacy and frequency. Throw an affair in there, you add unforeseen degrees of difficulty. You need to decide if you want to work together as a couple to reclaim intimacy [sexual and otherwise]. He doesn't get to say "the affair ended now GTFoverit and F**k me - your not F**King me on demand is what started it to begin with"

Although I can’t be completely helpful here. I’m a man, and a betrayed spouse. I’ve always wanted sex in my relationship with my wife, but during our marriage she showed zero signs of enjoyment from it. This led me to believe I was either bad at it (I had little experience), or she just wasn’t enjoying it. In any case, I felt like a failure in that regard and as a result, I didn't want to initiate sex. She, on the other hand, said she liked it and wanted more of it but she never expressed enjoyment and when I’d ask her what I could to to make it better she could never give me a response. After her affair she showed enjoyment of sex. This naturally led me to think I was again a failure but at least show showed enjoyment. From all this I’ve learned that when one partner shows desire to initiate, which then leads the other to feel attractive/special, it builds the desire for sex. I don’t know if your husband makes you feel special or sexy, or desired, but it seems to have a positive effect on libido. Hope this helps a little at least.

I wholeheartedly agree that women have so much more to deal with in the reproductive cycle than men...having some semblance of "control" over remaining pregnant seems to be such a slight, as that too is a burden. All that being said, dealing with a lowered libido is something women and men have to deal with at this stage in life regardless of infidelity - and if it were a free ticket to go have sex with someone else I think that there would be a LOT more of that going on then there already is as you and I are far from alone in this my friend.

Am I going to end up with a repeat of what he did before? Will that partly be my fault? Or is he asking more of me than the average cheater at this stage?

As a bit of an aside, IDK how you would be at fault for menopause...but if you find whoever it is to blame LMK as I want a word with him/her/it...

Taking this out of the infidelity context for one more second, the lowered sex drive sucks for my WH. I know it does (and no, he's not happy about it), and I presume he pleasures himself frequently as his sex drive has not changed as far as I know). But, we have talked about it and his response was to not pressure me anymore about it because ultimately he does not want to do it if I don't want to - that "ruins" it for him. Sadly, when the answer is I pretty much never want to I figured out that I needed to flip the script in my head a bit - maybe I don't want to do it for me, but I do want to do it for him so in that context, I actually do want to - just not 3 times a week (insert "yawn" emoji here). So, we have reached a bit of an agreement about it - I initiate and if it's been (insert whatever amount of time we agreed up) then he can "hassle" me a bit about it. Romantic? Not in the least. But I'm not taking HRT, putting me at a heightened cancer risk (I know - it's not determined absolutely but whatever - I'm not taking the chance) just so WH can get his rocks off and I can be more into it. Thank you, but no. So, that may be where you are - and if that really is it, then unfortunately your WS is going to have to accept that this is all part of the middle aged shit-sandwich that women are bestowed with, and that if he wants to be with you y'all are going to have to come up with some sort of way to deal with it so you can stop feeling pressured and he can stop feeling shitty about not getting any...and that is going to have to be a compromise on both your parts - you likely doing it more often than you want and him doing it less. Welcome to marriage.

All that being said, when you put infidelity on top of that, and mind movies and whatnot, you may feel like the shit-sandwich I just references above is more of a shit-all-you-can-eat-buffet. So, that you are also going to have to talk with your WS about and work on getting through that on your own. In my case, after hysterical bonding ended (after d-day 1) I think my desire to make things work overrode my mind movies and general disgust with him - until it didn't and sex tapered off and I think he didn't push it because of the A. However, I discovered the A had gone underground and I had a d-day 2 a year later, and after that there was no hysterical bonding. Ultimately I moved out a year and a half later (the delay was in part due to COVID lockdown and my job not being able to move for it as I was remote for 2 years so I wasn't sure where my job would actually end up physically being) - and post d-day 2 until when I moved - in that time we maybe had sex 3 or 4 times, and my reasons for doing it were lack of interest and my generalized disgust with how little he seemed to grasp the effect of what he had done had on our whole relationship - including my attraction to him. Then I moved away and we didn't have sex for another year at least...so are real discussions about my sex drive, and our return to having sex was attached to a general openness we gained through his intensive IC and my moving away and having some personal space.

So, I think you and your WS are going to have to have a talk about this - because I think your emotions related to the A are playing a part for sure and it also may be hormones. But he needs to get a grasp on this little wayward claim of his:

he was unhappy with my libido before which he says led him to doing what he did

I'm not ignoring that there is a real issue with your WS laying blame for his cheating on your sex drive - I mean if it's that big of a deal (and for this I am thankful I am a woman as I can't imagine being so desperate to have sex all the time) he could have just told you that up front: "Hey I love you but I'm going to explode if I don't ____ someone every 3 days. Like I NEED it. What should I do?". While that is important for determining if your WS is really a candidate for R and definitely contributes to the pressure you feel to perform for him, you are both going to have to have a big talk - because I presume that part of your hesitation about sex is that you now feel like you are being pressured to perform - I need sex X amount of times or I am going to cheat on you again.

That's NOT sustainable for you. I would say that is the bigger problem right now...and while I'm not surprised if your hormone levels are causing (at least in part) your libido issues - I think there is no point in having sex with someone who fails to grasp that you are not to blame for the CHOICE to cheat. I'm not saying withhold it for that reason - I'm saying your WS needs to do what mine did - figure out why he made that decision. As for me at least, before my WH decided that the problem of his decision making and boundaries etc needed fixing and was his to fix alone, he just became less and less and less attractive to me. Now all we have is my libido issue to deal with - and how that is addressed is totally within my control.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:38 PM, Sunday, October 13th]