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Hello, this is my first post. I might not have all the acronyms down just yet. I am 2 years and 2 months from d-day. I am choosing to stay with my husband of 27 years married, 33 years together, and 2 wonderful young men, our children. I’ve aged myself now!

My question is, how do you celebrate your anniversary? We’ve had 3 since he told me about the affair. The first one happened just after he told me and he was staying with his parents at the time. Since then I have not wanted to celebrate the day yet. I have a hard time giving him a card saying how wonderful of a husband he is, when he wasn’t. Just curious what others do.

Thanks!

I was ready to celebrate our 4th post-d-day anniversary, but that was 45 months out from d-day. It looks like your 4th will come sooner than ours did, so you might have to wait longer.

My W was committed to R from d-day on, and she never wavered. Actually, our 3rd anniversary really hurt due to family dynamics, so that period was not a good time at all.

How do you feel about you? How is R going? What has your H done to change from betrayer to good partner? All of those questions and more can help you distinguish between normal anniversary angst and a big problem.

ETA: Missed the comment about cards. I've been searching the web for M quotes and creating a written page with the quotes that feel right for the last 10 years or so. W gives me pre-written cards that reflect her thoughts and feelings. The quotes I select have morphed from bitter and bittersweet to funny but true comments on M and our relationship. I do the same for birthdays and Mother's Days.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:06 PM, Wednesday, October 16th]

Yep, I couldn't do the "you're the best husband" cards either. I think I heard a comedian once describe looking for a card as "this is a day and you are a spouse..here is a card".....that tracks. For me, forward looking sentiments seem to fit us better. I'm looking forward to our next adventures. That speaks to me much better than World's best husband sentinments. Celebrating where we are now, I can do.

My FWH was also all in on the R. I was unsure.

We have reached a point where we can celebrate. It IS a different celebration. Now it is more celebrating us and our future plans together.

It’s always your call — but somewhere down the line, it becomes about the kind of marriage you want going forward.

I would say there wasn’t a lot of energy in any of the holidays or anniversaries the first couple years, but we still aimed for kindness at the minimum while we built the relationship back to where we wanted it.

8.5 years later, we celebrate our hard work now.

It was our 4th post Dday that I was ready to celebrate our new M. I cannot do the pre written cards. I did celebrate how far we had come from Dday. Our M was heading in a great direction and I was proud of how much work she had done to improve herself.

I had zero interest in celebrating our anniversary and then our MC asked me "Do you want to let the affair taint any more of your marriage than it has?"

That helped me think about it differently.

Yeah, I can't look at my wedding photos without thinking about how she would be in the arms of another man less than 2 years after the ceremony. It's ruined my interest in the photos, but somehow, I'm game to celebrate anniversaries. We are still together, after all. Amazingly.

sisoon: How do you feel about you? How is R going? What has your H done to change from betrayer to good partner?
R is going well, he has done everything right to heal our marriage. He told me about the affair and has shown me that he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, but he also realizes the choice is mine. I've been to MC to help me through this, it has helped and I am confident now that we can make this relationship last and be strong.

It is not so much about cards, but just celebrating union of husband and wife which was torn apart. It's hard to celebrate a broken promise.

Ladybugmaam: I agree, it needs to be a different celebration now. Celebrating a new us. My MC even suggested celebrating our "started dating" anniversary instead. Still acknowledge the marriage anniversary, but in a lesser way. If that makes sense.

Oldwounds: thank you, that helps and makes sense.

Tanner: that is awesome, thank you for sharing.

WB1340: Agreed, but I still feel I, the betrayed, gets to make the decision on how to celebrate at my comfort level. I am more about doing something together, than cards, gifts, flowers. I'd rather have a memorable experience anyway.

Brittn: I understand that feeling, I hate looking at photos that were taken of our family and adventures during the time he was having the affair. It brings back all those intrusive thoughts!

Thank you everyone. If there is a way to reply to each response, I couldn't figure it out! haha

Be well and take care of yourselves.

This:

It’s always your call — but somewhere down the line, it becomes about the kind of marriage you want going forward.

If you stay - do so because you see life better and opportunity to continue to do so even more.

If you cannot see life getting better, best start planning how to make YOUR life better.

"Who's lookin' out for you?"

We have had one anniversary since D-Day and even though we went away for it I was not ready to ‘celebrate’ that date at all. We just took the trip as a mini holiday and did not refer to the day as an anniversary at all. No gifts, no cards and no fancy dinner. All my choice.

I can’t imagine celebrating this day ever again. I actually call it celebrating our not getting divorced day 😂 I also don’t really consider us as married anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. He broke the most important vow and so now all of that is gone for me.

I am however happy to continue trying in this ‘relationship’ but just won’t be celebrating any special dates. And yes @Brittn there is no way I’ll ever be looking at the photos with any sense of fondness at all 😭

I can’t imagine celebrating this day ever again. I actually call it celebrating our not getting divorced day 😂 I also don’t really consider us as married anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. He broke the most important vow and so now all of that is gone for me.

Exactly how I feel……

I took off my ring and replaced it with one of those cheap black rubber ones. We are still "legally" married but the spiritual part has been broken for me. I wanted to just ignore the day but my wife bought me a "not an Anniversary card" and apologized for ruining what would have been our 40th. I "get" the gesture but it really just made the day even worse for me.

She now gets that date is "just another day" and that’s all it ever will be.

Sharing, not arguing ... if R continues to go well and be what you want, I believe you'll want to again celebrate being together, and your wedding anniversary date is likely to be the date you choose for the celebration. It takes time to decide it's worth a celebration, though, and your post seems to place you within the realm of normality.

I don’t, and I never will.

My answer has changed over the years.

The first one or two - I didn't. I just couldn't.

After a few years passed we acknowledged it - I'd get him a card that simply acknowledged an anniversary and he'd get me one that was funny. A few years I'd get a small bouquet of flowers that I received graciously.

Now, we go out to dinner or do something to acknowledge the day but treat ourselves nice with it. No big fanfare or gifts. But acknowledgement that we are reconciling and it is going well.

There are a few holidays, however, that are stronger trigger days and those are never acknowledged.

Everyone handles this differently. There are no wrong ways.

My DD was 10 months ago. We had our 43rd 4 months ago and I don't even remember what we did. My brain has been numb. He cheated going into our 2nd yr of M. As far as I'm concerned the count stopped.

Hippo16: Thank you for your thoughts, our relationship is getting better and better.

Webbit: I can’t imagine celebrating that day ever again either. But maybe with time. Not sure. I like your idea of celebrating our not getting divorced day 😂!

I also don’t really consider us as married anymore, not in the traditional sense anyway. He broke the most important vow and so now all of that is gone for me.

I totally get that, I feel like we are married legally, but not married-married. Our relationship is great and we have a great time together, however. Thanks for your thoughts!

ImaChump: I too wore a replacement ring, then he asked if he could put my wedding ring back on me himself after some time. I allowed it. Sometimes I wonder if that was the right decision for me. But I now only wear it out and about anyway, so I'm accepting my decision. Totally understand why you chose to wear a different ring. I'm with you on that the anniversary will just be any other day; I do wonder if I will celebrate it again someday.

sisoon: Thank you again, my MC says the same thing. I plan to keep an open mind and see what happens!

Wiseoldfool: Thank you for your thoughts.

Trumansworld: Oh I'm sorry. I hope you are getting support for your marriage. Thank you for your response.

My wife had an emotional affair with her college boyfriend. Dday was 28 years ago. I have not fully recovered though we have reconciled. Everything about the marriage has been somewhat deflated ever since, including anniversaries. I know that my life is better with her than without, but the marriage is not the one we used to have. Nevertheless, I try to be positive. On the evening of our 50th anniversary, I held her close and told her, "Fifty years ago today we exchanged vows." No response from her. Then I said, "I’m glad I married you." She murmured, "Mm hmm." I made the mistake that rookie trial lawyers make. I asked a question that I did not know the answer to. "Are you glad you married me?" She broke away and animatedly said, "Hah! I know what you are doing. You’re trying to make me feel guilty." I was stunned. I asked what she was guilty about. Crickets. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I said, "Why didn’t you just say ‘Yes’? She then pointed to the mantel where our anniversary cards were. "Did you read my card? That’s how much I love you. Read the card!" It was a nice card. It said, "Your love lifts up my spirits. It is the foundation of our family, the place where we all turn to feel connected and understood. I love you even more today than when I fell in love with you 50 years ago. Happy Anniversary." But it didn’t say she was glad she married me and it was f’ing Hallmark’s sentiments, not hers. That was the day that I started monitoring SI. Thank you all you SI contributors for the sanity check.

Notsogreatexpectations, We just celebrated our 57th anniversary. I haven't had to ask that question since d-day; my W tells me from time to time.

So I don't know what's going on with your W, but there may be an issue.

Here's why I wrote 'may be' and not 'is.' In June, 1967, we were listening to Sgt Pepper for the 1st time, a couple of weeks after we committed to M. When 'When I'm 64' came on, I asked W2b if she'd love me when she was 64. She gave me a very solid 'yes.'

Then she asked me the same question. I had images of 64 year old women, and I thought that might be a problem for my 22 year old self. I thought about the D rate. I thought about the unpredictability of life. I did not think fast enough to give a good answer, but she didn't call off our engagement. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized what my answer could have been: 'I can't predict the future, but I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure I still love you when I'm 64.' W said that would have been a great answer.

Also, I was totally in love with W2b for the 2 years between meeting and getting married. I was afraid I was like (the execrable) Emil Jannings in The Blue Angel. She just wasn't a person who fell in love.

Your W might be thinking it would be too presumptuous (or too something else) to be glad she married you. She might be more glad you didn't D her. 'Glad' might be too tame a word to describe how happy she about marrying you. But something else less benign may be going on.

After 50 years, do you want to push for an answer that might make you not want to see her again? It's easy fro me to tell you I think I would - after all, I'm not facing the issue, so I don't know what I'd really do. At 43 years of M, I wanted to R, so I might choose to bury an answer like the one you got.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. In the end, I have no confidence that one way or another is likely to get a better result.

One clue that concerns me, though, is your use of 'trial'. Is that only part of the metaphor, or do you view your M as a trial? Man, if your M is not a source of joy, I'd urge you to consider your options. There are lots of older women who would be open to new relationships, and even though I'm older than 64, a lot of women my age (and I qualify for 'old', not 'older') look pretty good and look like pretty good partner material. So talking about your feelings, thoughts, and wants with your W has the biggest payoff. Alas, it has the biggest risk, too.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 PM, Sunday, October 20th]

Thanks Sisoon for your perspective. You may be right about her just flubbing her lines. Later that evening she actually said something like she wasn’t good under pressure.

I don’t think I will raise the issue again. The marriage is good. My wife is a quality person. But she is disabled by her own guilt. She has been out of the EA for 28 years so I think she is safe. But she could be much healthier if she figured out why there was a hole in her self esteem. She chooses to ignore this. After reading pretty much everything on this site, I now think that she felt the need to validate her desirability (credit to Bigger)and chose a sure and safe thing, her old boyfriend who was more than happy to come out of the wings and gush over her. Added benefit, he was happily married and didn’t want to do more than have a pretty girl’s attention. Together they could play the "what if" game and recapture their youth. His wife knew about the relationship but my wife kept it secret (for at least 14 years) from all her friends, her parents, and her sisters, and me. She also told POSOM not to let anyone, especially me, know. So I know that she was ashamed. As they say, friends come in the door, not the window. I haven’t told anyone. At first it was because I was humiliated. Now it is more to protect my kids and grands, as well as my wife.

I flubbed this badly at the start. I so wanted the old marriage that I rug swept everything and offered forgiveness on Dday before even knowing what had transpired. Not dealing with it then has made it much harder to sort out now. I now know that that marriage is gone, in fact, it never existed. The second marriage is good, but I will never trust her completely with my heart. Hence, my user name. Some things are forever changed. For instance, I used to experience ecstasy when in quiet moments I thought about how much I loved her. I hated giving that up. Today I get close to that feeling thinking about my kids and grands. I looked for a substitute because I realized that I am responsible for my own happiness. And today after much introspection I can say that I am happy. I have had three responsible professional careers where I was respected and well rewarded. We are financially secure. My wife is a good mother, a great cook, a wonderful travel companion, and a willing and attractive sexual partner. I have lots of friends, and not just because I have a pickup truck. I have many hobbies and interests. I can rebuild an engine and have a woodshop full of modern and antique tools that I regularly use. My life is full. I just wish my wife hadn’t betrayed my trust.

I am most grateful to SI for helping me figure out what truck hit me and for letting me see that I was just a normal BS. I thought that I was crazy for feeling so shocked and later so wounded. I only wish I could have had SI back in 1996. I know there is room for improvement. We do not communicate well. I may ask my wife if she wants to try MC, but only if I could find a counselor that would address her EA. Otherwise, I hope the SI community will let me vent once in a while.