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What part of the the day if you have one is usually bad , like you can usually count on a breakdown around that time and Why do you think that is? When thoughts of infidelity and grief just washes over you.

What part of the day or activity are you doing where you are the most care free and happy during the day and why?

Just wanting to hear others thoughts.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 12:34 AM, Friday, October 18th]

Maybe mid-day? I was busy with work, so my mind had something else to do. My concentration was shot, so it was difficult to concentrate at work. I would say that the rest of the day was bad, even through the night because of all of the nightmares.

I never really found a pattern at all with regards to this. It could happen at any moment of a day unfortunately. Even when I was taking time for myself to find joy would sometimes spark a downward spiral.

I do remember though right after D-Day Friday was the worst day of the week for me. WH had noticed this pattern and spoke to his IC about it, they concluded together it was because my D-Day was on a Friday. Well they were both wrong. It was because I hated the thought of having to spend whole weekends with my cheating husband (annd I told him that too) and that would just make me spiral. Took a long time to get over that!

The shower is where I usually have my worst thoughts and a desperate impulse to never leave the shower. I guess it feels safe somehow. I also often have really bad thoughts upon waking, and closer to dday, at bedtime. These days, bedtime isn't so bad.

I don't think I have a carefree part of the day, but once I'm busy with kid stuff or work, I'm definitely calmer. The only times I've felt somewhat carefree are when I'm away from home or my WS is traveling.

For a long time post D-Day I really struggled with the mornings, to the point of probably being dangerous to my health and safety. I work nights. So I'd come home from work to go to bed and she'd be getting ready for work. I had suspicions, but she'd go spend her day and even evening with him and conduct the affair while I was asleep. They really didn't do near as much during the nights as one would think because of his wife. But during the day his wife was at work and I was asleep and they could be together at work and even go on trips to day rate hotels in a city over. So right after D-Day I could never sleep in the morning driving myself crazy with what she was doing and my mind going insane with thoughts of them together. Sleep meant I had no control. If I was awake I could see her if she was home or even told myself I could drive to her work and protect myself from her cheating. Sleep just felt too much like losing control. It really is one of the most intimate things in a marriage. I trust you enough to become unconscious and give you complete power to even kill me if you wanted to. And I didn't trust what would happen while I slept. I went through months and months of trying to live off 2-4 hours of sleep a day with a day of total crashing interspersed when my body demanded it and forced the issue.

I don't know if I ever have any care free times. This doesn't sound good, but maybe in the evenings when I'm off work and am trying to live a normal schedule, after my to do list is done for the day and I'm enjoying a beer in the evening (I know alcohol is a no no to some, but I really don't feel I have any sort of problem).

Marine.

Your post is beautiful and vulnerable it got me in my feels.

If I was awake I could see her if she was home or even told myself I could drive to her work and protect myself from her cheating. Sleep just felt too much like losing control. It really is one of the most intimate things in a marriage.

I too have felt this way, I remember after my H show (the first one we took my daughter to) he didn't come home until almost 3am. When I asked him by text where he was he said he had to stay after and get paid by the bar , which I know usually is a thing. Well he came home crying saying "he was so thankful for the support he received" Much, much later I found that he was at his APS apartment and lied to me, I am still unsure of why he cried, I am assuming a mix of guilt and shame but that didn't stop him, he was fine the next day. After that I don't think I have gotten a really good nights sleep, I was so trusting, so peacefully sleeping while he was doing that, thinking he was in love with me.

It happened again he said he had a "service call" at his job and he went there again, she was trying to break it off with him at that point I think but none the less he went.

Thank you for sharing because that helps me realize one of my own struggles to work through too, I tell my H all the time I have no idea how someone could destroy someone so deep. Reading everyone elses posts makes me hate infidelity even more, it really does destroy so much.

No thanks for the memories

I don't think I have a carefree part of the day, but once I'm busy with kid stuff or work, I'm definitely calmer. The only times I've felt somewhat carefree are when I'm away from home or my WS is traveling.

When I am away from home and when my H isn't home I feel the most carefree too. Taking care of my kids helps too and the past two weeks I got 16 hours of OT because it really does help me focus on something else.

I feel the same as NoThanksForTheMemories.

In the shower is usually when I get all the worst thoughts/feelings and I feel most carefree when I’m doing stuff with the kids and my partner isn’t home - but only if he’s not travelling for work, like if he’s just out in our area kind of thing.

Also when I’m really busy at work I guess I don’t have time to think about any of it which is nice.

These days it's when we both leave for work in the morning. While I am working is when I seem to experience all of my angry and suspicious thoughts and then when both of us are at home I feel better

In the beginning I was constantly checking my phone at work to see where her phone was and I was constantly looking for messages from her. Thankfully I was able to break that obsession

We are both retired now and together almost every day. While I enjoy his company for the most part, my happy times seem to be when I am running errands by myself or working in my garden. Unfortunately the moments of happy are rarer than the others. I pray in time that changes.

It was night time for me. I took care of my fear of not sleeping by interrogating my W as we got ready for bed. The sessions often lasted for a couple of hours, but I couldn't sleep anyway. Now (and for most of the last 10 years) we're pretty happy, together and apart. Sleep isn't great, but that's an artifact of our age.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:38 PM, Saturday, October 19th]

Definitely the evenings for me. I don’t know if it was his presence, feeling of vulnerability going to bed, or what. So many triggers and questions and I didn’t back away from any of them. I asked every single one and grieved as I needed to and spiraled a good many times. Way too many nights of too little sleep, who am I kidding I wasn’t sleeping much anyway- didn’t want the nightmares to start again.

This doesn’t happen for me anymore but for many years it was 4:30 every day. The other person was his secretary and this would be the time of day when I would start calling the office over and over again to try to get him out of there. I didn’t know there was cheating happening in the office but I guess now I realize I must have known on some level. I would be in a panic.

During recovery for a long time, even though the Other Person was long gone, I would still start calling the office at that time and could not settle down until he was physically out of the building.

I’m sorry you are feeling this. I hope this passes for you, and I guess my own experience is that it does pass.

BAD - For me it is 2am. When I wake in a panic and have to mentally talk myself down. And there is nothing to do by sit there with my own panic brain thoughts. Then I get up at 5:30 and go about the rest of my day. This still happens a good 5 nights/week and I am long off from DDays.

GOOD - When I am busy be it work, going for a long walk, doing something physical.