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Hi I think my wife was having a emotional affair. I got diagnosed with bowel cancer which has been hard for both of us. I'm still having treatment at the moment. My wife started working afternoons which is was fine. She started to talk to a driver at work who had bowel cancer which she told me about. Anyhow didn't think anymore about it. Then she started to change. Becoming angry with me having more and more arguments saying I have changed I'm not the same person. Which is quite hard going through what I'm.going through. Then she came out with I'm suffocating her in the relationship we need space she needs to do her things and u should do mine. I started to worry she kept hold of her phone all the time when before she didn't worry about it. Then on a night out with friends she was in the toilets for 25mins. I confronted her asking if she texting someone she denied this. We had a massive argument she went off crying and didnt speak to me for 2 days. She then told me nye she went for a coffee with this driver. I didn't know they had become that.close. I thought it was just occasionally chatting at work. That night I managed to get into her phone which I shouldn't of. I didn't find any messages to him. Not even meeting up for a coffee that day. I did find some pictures in lingerie which I haven't seen. I comforted her about this. She said she had sent him a picture of her cleavage but nothing else and she deleted all his messages as she was snagging me off. I couldn't believe this I was devastated. I told her to block him which she did. She said it was only that one photo and nothing else. He text her on nyd saying i see I have been blocked she showed me the text. She asked if she could ring him to explain I said yes. After a week I said look u can text him if you want to she said she wouldn't. But that same day she text him. After a few days I asked her can I look at her phone she said yes and she deleted more texts to him. I said you can't text him anymore. Which I believe now she hasn't as we have become closer again. But he keeps texting her every so often it's so frustrating. Is this an emotional affair sorry for it being so long.

So very sorry about your diagnosis as I know treatment can be difficult on you. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some posts with bull's eye icons you may need to scroll to find. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

It's a little difficult to tell for sure, but it sounds like at least an EA (emotional affair) if not a PA (physical affair). You may both wish to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. There's a checklist in the book. For me, the secrecy and extended periods in the bathroom are red flags, as well as the lingerie shot. The change in behavior isn't a good sign, either.

I think the important thing is whether you think it's an EA. Others will be along and chime in. We have a saying around here, "take what you need and leave the rest." Every situation is different, and you'll get differing advice. Take what you feel is the best advice for you.

Sorry you are going through this. Take care of you. Sorry to read of your diagnosis. Sending the pic to him is a red flag. And the guy is persistent and doing some fishing. As far as getting into her phone, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Be alert and smart. There may be nothing there, but trust your gut. Your W may have formed a connection with him over his similar diagnosis. If she starts to pull away and become distant and talking with him constantly be aware and set your boundaries. Good luck.

I agree I think she was getting a connection. I hope I found out just in time. She hasn't text him for a couple of weeks now and he hasn't text her for a week as she has been showing me those texts and he keeps asking why she not replying.

Yes it’s an affair. Yes she’s cheated.

At the worst possible time in your life. I am sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis and hope you start getting better soon and treatments end even sooner.

Your wife needs to explain why she did this at this time. Why was she vulnerable and sent lingerie pictures to this guy?

Do not sweep this under the rug. My experience is that if you do, the cheater believes "it was no big deal" and may have the propensity to do it again.

Cheating is not a solution to hard times. Period.

She has said she hasn't sent these pictures only 1 of her cleavage. But why it made me think is because she didn't want her face in them which I thought was strange.. she stills says they were only friends and nothing happened.. she did say she would text him as much as she texts me which for a friend seemed quite a lot.

The stuff you describe about her pushing you away, needing space, telling you that you're the problem.... that's all behavior from a wayward spouse in an affair. I don't want to put ideas into your head, but are you absolutely certain they didn't meet up and get physical? Her behavior sure sounds like it.

I'm pretty much 99% sure it's only been emotional. Obviously there still a slim chance it could of happened but I have to believe her in that. She has cut ties for the last 2 weeks with no communication from her part.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Cancer is hard enough, this on top is a lot. I feel your pain. Found out my husband had been having an emotional affair just before Thanksgiving. I happened to break my leg the night before too so it's been a whirlwind of a few months here. Yes, it's fully an emotional affair. She broke your vows and trust. It is quite a shock to the system. I wish I had more advice for you but I'm in the same place. My husband is no contact with her, we are in individual and couples counseling but it's truly a lot to deal with. I still find myself checking to see if they are both online chatting at the usual times. I have waves of sadness, anger and just pure rage. I cry a lot. Try to distract myself with mindfulness, and bury myself in work or my children but it's so consuming. I'm starting some EMDR therapy next week.

People who are 'only friends' don't send faceless pictures of their cleavage. It might be worth knowing if he asked, or if she volunteered. But again 'only friends' don't ask and 'only friends' don't send such pictures even when asked.

OP, please be aware that in SO many cases, an EA + proximity = PA (physical affair).

Does a PA change anything for you? If so, consider having her write out a full timeline, confirmed by a polygraph. This may sound extreme, but if you’re interested in reconciliation (R), know that 100% honesty is one of the minimum requirements for true R. You may be able to push this down and look the other way for a while, but if you’re anything like the rest of us, it will start to eat at you like a cancer down the line. Sometimes years, even decades later. If you read enough forums you’ll see those in their twilight years suffering horribly from suspicions they never got the full truth.

Hope you don’t end up like that.

All I would say if it was more than this wouldn't she start talking to him again. We are getting on so well again now. I just don't understand. Is it guilt I have found out about it.

'Getting along so well' sounds like maybe love bombing. It could be a distraction reaction.

I think it's too early to tell if she is done talking to OM. She may be waiting, she may still respond if he reaches out, she may have just taken it deeper underground (hiding their communication).

There still seems to be a lot you don't know. You think but don't know they were not physicall. You think but don't know she didn't send the other lingerie pictures. You think but don't know that she is not in contact.

I would recommend that you be really careful. 'Getting along well' is not always a foolproof indicator.

The signs you are describing - abnormal secrecy over her phone and texts, spouse finding new reasons to argue and find fault, withdrawing from the relationship - fit my WS to a Tee and were in fact evidence of a full-blown physical and emotional affair. Proceed carefully, study the advice posts - and you may want to put a Voice Activated Recorder in her car hidden beneath the driver or passengers seat

She has cut ties for the last 2 weeks with no communication from her part.

Errrmmm, I somehow don't think so, as she is still working in the same company, correct?

The assumption that there is no longer any communications between your WW and her AP, purely on the basis of the lack of text, is false. She still has access to him face to face.

RR