SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay, buckle up it's a long rough ride...

Together 26 years, married 16, one 6 Yr old DD. He's military.

I caught husband having cheated 17th Aug after reading a message he sent the OW while playing lego with our DD 6 years old. I'd been seeing red flags in his behaviour for some time (very distant, phone always with him, talking about dating apps he learnt about from others - much younger women he was away on work with), taking better care of himself, and general change in personality)

When I confronted him I was angry and he was cold, indifferent, and distant. No remorse, empathy or any emotion was shown from him. When I asked him why he said the OW was positive, energetic, outdoorsy and he'd done it because he was attracted to her, and wanted to. I fell apart. I told him I wanted a divorce and he needed to get his stuff and get out. I shattered, he remained calm, controlled and uncaring. I recognised I wasn't fit to take care of our daughter, I was too emotional, too panicked and a mess, so he stayed and a friend came to collect me for the night, I just unravelled.

On going back home the next day he continued to act as if nothing had happened, our lives were just as before. I was reeling, felt sick and I now know was in shock. I phoned a male friend I used to work with for legal advice, I was terried he'd run off with DD - paranoia had kicked in massively and I was an absolute mess.

His parents live abroad and were due to visit, we agreed due to the excitement of our DD to see them we should continue with the visit. We also agreed there were big decisions to be made and shouldn't be rushed. He told his parents, MIL wanted to tell her sister and niece, who were also visiting, that we were both having a mid-life crisis. I point blank refused to agree to this, I said we tell her truth or nothing at all because I was sick of lies.

For weeks we both swung between separation with eventual divorce, and working things out - 26 years, numerous deployments, death of relatives, a miscarriage.. It was a lot to walk away from. During this time he was still very cold, distant, unremorseful - said he cheated and had had unprotected sex 3 times (this later changed to OW climaxing 3 times) because of his mental health issues. OW, also military was an ex mental health nurse and had recognised he was 'suffering with some issues' He said they would sit in the forest together most evenings while she helped him with his issues, he even made the comment that 'lots of people must have though they were having an affair because they always went off alone together'.

I began sticking to it being over, it was something definite to cling to while me and my world fell a part. I was devastated, didn't eat or sleep, shook and cried all the time, just functioning on pure adrenaline and anxiety. He had carried on like life was normal to this point, then when he realised I was sticking to leaving things became terrible. I am not proud to say we had a few huge rows in front of DD, he accused me waiting 10-15 years for him to do something like this so I could leave, I was throwing our marriage and 26 years away, I was going to give DD lasting emotional and psychogical trauma. He asked me if genuinely thought mine and our DD's life would be better if we separated, he asked how I expected to support her, what I'd do for work, told me my mum and sister would only help for a month, and the novelty of us would wear off and I'd be struggling alone.

Amongst this I maintained contact with my male friend, he offered lots of legal advice, told me not make any rushed decisions and generally supported me by providing a distraction of talking about books we'd read. This was in addition to the support of my friends and family.

Husband's moods behaviour became... Hard to predict; he would continue bahaving as though nothing had happened (washing, food shopping, making dinner), he refused to tell work what was happening in the home because he said it could potentially ruin his career, promotion and earning prospects, he also begged me not to tell them as it would potentially ruin both their careers and according to him, 'she's innocent in this'
At times he'd become depressed and woukd tell me he was going to have nothing and no one if we left. At one point I took DD to stay with my family and before I left to catch the train he took car and house keys off me, telling me he was going to wash the car but I could have them if I needed them as 'security'. Once whilst he th4 car alone together I questioned an unknown route he was taking, he told me 'don't worry I'm not taking you somewhere secluded to dump your body' I was terrified. He started turning up at my work, just popping in and became more involved with DD, sending me messages/memes about saving our marriage, what it means to love a woman who is 'a lot' and has anxiety/depression etc.

During a work event another military woman approached me, I knew her from the gym. She confided in me that she'd been debating whether to tell me or not but finally decided she had to... She had matched with DH on a dating app a week ago.

While he was away for work the following week, I realised I was in serious danger of having a complete break down. I'd lost nearly 10kg, didn't sleep, shook uncontrollably , couldn't stop crying all the time, and wasn't taking care of DD emotional needs. I got family to come and get us, and I left him.

I've been in therapy for nearly 12 weeks now and I still feel utterly broken. I keep asking myself why and how he could this? I am racked with guilt for taking DD away, for not being willing to go to MC with him, for not giving him a second chance, and for the way I shut down from him emotionally. I continously ask myself what I did wrong, what I did or didn't do, what I could have done different to save our marriage. Before he cheated I took on board his comment about out lack of sex, I bought sex toys and sent him links to underwear he should choose from (this was on a Tuesday, come Thursday he had been betrayed me) sensing our marriage was in jeopardy and was willing to do anything to save it - to try to stop him leaving me.

I still feel awful. He is starting divorce procedures and I still just cry most days. I still feel lost, confused as to how we got here, what I did to deserve this, and how I am ever going to heal when it all still feels really raw.

Male friend and I have realised that we're attracted to each other but nothing is going to happen - I'm too vulnerable and not in any way near a place to be in any kind of a relationship. We still chat but nothing deeper or more personal than daily lives and books. There's no talk of a potential relationship or the future.

Don't know what I'm looking for really, perhaps just to vent to get my story, warts and all out there, and to know I'm not alone on this horrific journey.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you and your child. I am always astounded at how cruel cheaters can be. They throw out their spouses like stale garbage. I am going to be tough here. Let go of him. Open your hand and let go. To quote a minister, "When someone walks away, let the go." His insensitive behavior should anger you. Use that anger to find an attorney. Use that anger to make sure he keeps his financial support until you can find employment. When someone treats you this way they have stepped over the decency barrier into cruelty.

I know your heart is broken but there is life after this. I promise. Don’t beg. Don’t hope. Find strength to make plans. Please see a dr about meds for anxiety and sleep. You body is taking a beating because you have truly been injured. I wish I could heal your broken heart but all I can do is tell you to let go. You have a good future waiting for you.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

First, the A (affair) is 100% his choice. He had a ton of other options but he chose to break his wedding vows. It was NOT anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, your looks, etc. He could have spoken to you about things instead of going to somebody else.

Infidelity is trauma, and you have suffered trauma. A lot of what you're describing (weight loss, lack of sleep) is because of that trauma. Please practice lots of self-care. If you're having trouble eating, try to drink protein shakes. You may need to ask your doctor for meds to help you sleep.

he'd done it because he was attracted to her, and wanted to

He's selfish and did not think about any of the consequences or how it might affect anybody.

Does OW (the other woman) have a partner? They deserve to know so they may make their life decisions with the truth. This isn't for revenge or to ruin their family, but to provide knowledge.

You may wish to read the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

ETA: FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. Yes, we were married a long time, but life with him was miserable. Life post-D is so much better. You may want to look up "sunk cost fallacy". Sometimes, it's better for you to cut your losses.

[This message edited by leafields at 7:51 PM, Saturday, February 1st]

I have since gained a bit of weight, sleep quality is sporadic - am also perimenopausal, something he mentioned in relation to my mood swings and never knowing which version of his wife he was coming home to😔 Which I take on the chin, I was moody, passive aggressive and exhausted from trying to be everything and do everything. I mentioned this once, was promptly told that was what it meant to be an adult, and I needed to share the love with household stuff (I did school drop off/pick up, homework, arranged childcare when needed, kept on top of school stuff generally and parties, ran the military home, liaised with estate agents re rental property, saw to maintenance of cars, and had a 37 hour per week job) I never mentioned it again.

When it was clear I was sticking to leaving (I never told him I was terrified of doing so and had no idea if it was right) he did tell me a number of times he still loved me, thought we could get through it and that it was just a mistake. I didn't believe him, I don't understand how you can love someone and still betray them, especially as he's always been my first thought of the day and my last. Him and our family😢😞 And also cheat in the full knowledge of knowing it's the one thing that would destroy me, is u forgivable.

I am stupid enough to acknowledge there is a part of me that can't let him go, I don't know why. We can't be together, I can't ever allow myself to trust him or be vulnerable with him again - he's absolutely broken me😭😭 Yet I am struggling to heal, to let go and it's impacting my other relationships.

Look at the amount of time you have given him. Of course you are having trouble letting go. My suggestion is that you begin to take one baby step at the time to emotionally let go. If you are in perimenopause then I assume late 30s, early 40s which means you are probably somewhat imprinted on him. You were very young so the rest of your maturing was him right in the middle of your vision. This is so hard. I know it is. I have a pretty good way for you to go forward. Write down everything you need to accomplish in a new life. Don’t look at the big picture. Use the list to put the most important first. Then do that. Once done draw a line through it with a yellow marker. Then do the next one. Always just do the next one. Right now you are so overwhelmed that you are wandering in the wilderness. Making a list ON PAPER and doing the first one first gives you a sense of control. It will allow those baby steps out of your pain and into your future.
Lawyer first
Doctor for possible meds for sleep and anxiety
Find your people and lean on them
Get out of the house(don’t be house proud right now. You need sunshine and friends more)
Find a physical hobby. Walking, hiking, biking, painting, needlework.
Give yourself permission to be sad, scared and royally pis*ed off. This is not fair.
Make sure people who love you hug you. You need hugs.
And come here. I am daily amazed at the good advice, empathy and suggestions that this site has.
We are here.

This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made conscious decisions to lie and cheat.

Cooley has given you some good advice. You don't have to do everything in one day, but do what you can. Healing from infidelity can take 2-5 years. For me, it was probably 3 years. Expect your emotions to be all over the place. We call it the emotional rollercoaster.

I turned 47 in December.

I run, do weights and yoga in addition to the therapy. He was 18 and I was 20 when we got together, so yes young.

Until he cheated, I was his only sexual partner, something he maintains. He's since blamed his decision to cheat on his mental health issues and states the OW took advantage of him when he was vulnerable. She had at the time just been dumped by her boyfriend, she's 26 and boyfriend was around the same age as WS 44. Military Padre WS went to see told him his MH issues were the reason he'd cheated and she had used him as revenge sex. Military Padre is also ex mental health nurse.... Anyone else noticing a theme🙄 He never told OW about being married or his family because he 'didn't see it as relevant'

I am struggling to reconcile his actions - infidelity, lying about how long he was with her, bullying behaviour, being on a dating app etc with him telling me he loves me and wants to work on the marriage😭 I don't understand at all, not any of it. I don't know why he did it or why I feel so ashamed, guilty, judged by his family, and just get over this. 😞😞

My broken record is telling bs they need to handle the stress they are under. I am quite sure you know all this but here goes…We are unique in the animal kingdom. We know we will eventually die. We know people lie and some are criminals and some are saints. We are predator and prey. Old baseball player said, run and don’t look back they might be gaining on you. So here you are so stressed out and your body is probably doing the usual…Headaches, stomach aches, upset stomach, can’t sleep, having trouble eating, crying and panic stricken. You might spend time in the loo, toilet, head. What you might not know is you are in survival mode. You lizard brain does not know the difference between a lion and your cheating husband. They are both dangerous to you. It only knows to get you safe. You can freeze(in bed under cover), flee, or fight. You probably feel frozen in place. Every time you think about this your body gets you ready to save yourself so you are flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. Two very strong hormones that show up immediately. It takes seconds. The problem is they takes hours to leave. If you are constantly stressed then they never leave. Your immune system will be affected. You might get sick. You need to see a dr if you know your body is being bombarded. Get some temp help until you are past the worst of it. I cannot put this strongly enough. My job involved just one year of training under a woefully inept boss whose idea of leadership was to hide from her workers. Our jobs were steeped in legalities. I was never home and when I was I was would up tight trying to stay ahead. In that year I developed an issue that I will have for the rest of my life. My dr said it was stress. I still take medicine for it. Stress is cumulative. Even after it leaves there is damage if you let it go on too long. This is why I hope you look after your health immediately. And keep coming here. Weekends can be slow but be patient.