SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry for the long read but it did feel good to write it all out. I left out some details as I didn't want to torture you all with a novel.

Some backstory:
I've been with WS for 11 years. We were friends and sometimes more before that. I helped her leave an abusive relationship and did what I could to help her through that, I lived 4 hours away tho so we decided to finally fully be together and she moved in with me with 2 of her kids. We had normal struggles early on but were deeply in love and our partnership and passion was always very strong. Others would comment on our love and relationship. About 3 years ago she got a difficult job in dealing directly with grieving families that had just lost a loved one and she was not trained properly to deal with it. The company she was working for also misled her and used her which crushed her. She began drinking more and pulling away, just shelling up. Then when her job got worse and more toxic I told her I thought it would be better if she quit. She quit, but her spending increased and money started going in the wrong direction. She ignored and her drinking increased and she pulled away more impacting us. I was hoping she just needed time and tried to be understanding. I would shoulder the load of keeping us going even picking up extra work and looking for a higher paying job or one in an area with a lower cost of living. I hurt my back in December 2023. Self medicated a little with some drinking, then my sleeping and drinking got bad. I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a night, my head was going a million miles an hour as I figured my lack of sleep was making my ADHD go crazy so I'd have to drink to slow it down. As I felt my self going crazier for a year I get medicated for my ADHD and finally sleep some in November. The no sleep, speeding mind, and pressure of keeping everything together took a big toll.

Finding out:
2 weeks ago I get a random text asking if I know a guy with a very generic name. It sounded familiar but I thought it was some new scammer. They kept going, knew my name and my WS name. So I agreed they could call me. She informed me that her husband and my girl had been in a relationship for a long time now. That she had found out before Thanksgiving and has been looking for me since to tell me since no one had. She did not deny it but did try to limit the damage by lying or not being forthcoming. I had a million thoughts racing but needed to know why. She said she had tried to bring up some of "our problems" but I didn't hear her. I told her she was wrong, I was still 100% in the whole time so WE did not have problems. Things slipped in the bedroom the past year but lines up when she was having the affair. She pulled away more while I was spinning not sleeping as I couldn't hear my sub-conscious screaming danger! Talking thru everything and asking a lot of questions it feels like he took advantage of her. This was my conclusion not hers and she kept wanting to take accountability by stating everything was fully mutual. They had been long time friends since high school. He had never hit on her before but as she was in her lowest he pushed things forward. Each escalation was his idea, she only drew a line when he tried to get her to talk about them having a future together.

Since then:
My feelings for her haven't changed. The future I picture for myself still has her in it. The rollercoaster ride now is full of non stop emotional highs, lows, and quick turns. Since we are back to talking more vulnerably and intimately the passion has come back, the long cuddles, and I see her making an effort to fix everything she ignored these past years, so I see more of the girl I fell in love with that I had been waiting to comeback. But I was gut punched and get scared that another shoe will drop, that I missed her so much these past years that I'm willfully blinding myself from fully processing. I have only told my boss since I needed to quickly take a couple days off when I found out. I don't want others influencing me by being overprotective. But is it better to just let her and my wants influence me? Things will be going so well and then a random thought will trigger visions and questions that just won't stop spiraling. We emotionally talk it thru then alot of bed room action for a couple of days, then emotional slipping and the cycle continues. I don't know if this is the best way to process it all.

Hi Random:

Sorry you find yourself here. You will find help from many others who have walked the road you are on.

The first thing I would recommend you do is read the two threads that are pinned at the top of this forum.

The first thread is the "Tactical Primer":

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/235051/tactical-primer/

Plus the thread "Another Great Post for Newbies to Read":

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/532395/another-great-post-for-newbies-to-read/

There is a good Healing Library on this site. Please avail yourself of the excellent articles.

My only other suggestion at this time is that whatever you do, please take care of your health.

Others will be along who can help you more than I can.

Good luck

My best advice to you is to slow down. You just got hit by a truck two weeks ago. You have been traumatized. You are just starting to grieve for the death of the marriage you thought you had, as well as for your lost identity as the happily married guy. You will go through the well known stages of grieving. Right now you are likely in denial. Anger and bargaining will arrive before long. Eventually you’ll get to acceptance, but that may take a very long time. But right now you should not be making hard and fast decisions.

Welcome to the club no one ever wants to join.

I am suggesting you both get individual counseling.

She needs to figure out why she chose to cheat.

And you need to figure out if this relationship can be saved and if you can be happy if you stay together.

I started getting counseling for working thru my ADHD and she just started looking for some help herself as her primary prescribed Prozac. Is couples therapy worth it this early?

Hey Random, sorry to find you here. It looks to me you don't have the full story yet (we never do).
So first of all, as you will find in the links above, get tested for STDs immediatly.
Second, find a way to know the absolute truth. You can never reconcile if you don't know the truth, this will eat you. You need to know the exact timeline, and what she did. Of course if you intend to leave, this isn't necessary.
Lastly : yes MC is completely useless at this stage. She's broken, not your couple. She cheated, the marriage didnt cheat.

Good luck,

J.

Is couples therapy worth it this early?

Do NOT start MC right now. The marriage didn’t cheat - she did. Worse, most marriage counselors are NOT equipped to deal with betrayal adultery, and tragically subscribe to the "unmet needs" fallacy, where they seek to blame-shift to the betrayed spouse, rug-sweep, and pretend it never happened. You’ll end up 10 times worse than where you were, as the adulterer gets to pin a good chunk of the blame on the victim. It’s very much the equivalent of a physically abused wife being told she needs to stop angering her husband so much, and that’ll stop the beatings.

Instead, your wife needs intense IC to dig into why she did what she did, the absolute worst thing a wife can do to her husband, instead of choosing to voice her concerns, or even leave the marriage. NEVER accept any blame for your wife’s likely thousands of evil choices to betray you.

Further, some here will tell you your wife receiving any consequences for her betrayal is just petty revenge. Please don’t buy that. Consequences for her will actually help her understand the gravity of her evil choices, and, since you seem intent on R no matter what, will give you the best shot at a true reconciliation. Consequences must include:

- Absolutely zero contact with AP for the rest of her life
- Anyone who knew about her adultery but didn’t tell you gets cut out of both of your lives
- She must write a timeline detailing everything she did with him
- Consider having her confess to both your parents/family. She needs accountability and you need support.
- If she works with him, she must leave that job immediately
- She commits to 100% transparency - all devices, apps, etc. you get full access to look anytime
- Consider a post-nuptial agreement where should you decide to end the M, you get favorable terms

Keep posting. You don’t have to repeat the same mistakes many of us have made.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you've been bludgeoned by infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a ton of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. She also needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It sounds like she needs to learn better coping skills.

If you're having trouble sleeping, you may need to see your doctor for some meds. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there.

The future I picture for myself still has her in it.

The future you picture for yourself has who you thought she was in it.

Sorry that you're here.

I just want to give another perspective on couples therapy. We started ours immediately after I found out—literally like a week later, and we both found it to be very helpful. Obviously it depends on the counselor, but I was never made to feel like I was in any way to blame for his affair. She helped us to have a safe space to be completely honest with each other and to help both of us process our feelings throughout the weeks that came after. After starting with her, we both came to the realization separately that individual counseling would also be helpful so we each got our own IC as well. We are 3 1/2 months from DDay and have done a lot of hard work and have come a long way in a relatively short amount of time. We are finishing up with all our counseling with just one more joint session in a few weeks. We are in a very good place in our relationship now, better than we have been in a long time, and we continue to get better as our connection gets deeper with time. He still did what he did, and that still hurts and always will, but it’s in the past and we are both fully committed to making this work. So it really depends on when you feel ready—we both felt very broken when we started counseling but we are both on a much better path together now. Just wanted you to have a couples counseling success story to think about. Take care and hang in there, it won’t always feel this raw and overwhelming.

Is couples therapy worth it this early?

I will weigh in on the side of avoiding MC this early. I made the mistake of starting within a month of D-Day 1. Selected a Gottman trained LMFT and it almost killed any chance of R in the crib. All the "unmet needs"tropes were pulled out, the MC handled my WW with kid gloves, planted excuses in her head she had never even thought of and made me out to be the asshole for 20 years of serial cheating. Worrying about "8 dates" and "Love Languages" are futile when you are still be actively lied to, gaslit and stymied at every turn. IC for BOTH of you before even thinking about MC is the way to go.

MC too early appears to even be more difficult/painful/unhelpful for BHs in my unwanted exposure to the ins and outs of infidelity recovery over the past few years. Tread lightly…..

[This message edited by ImaChump at 8:29 PM, Sunday, February 2nd]

Random, so sorry you're here. But glad you found SI.

Infidelity is the ultimate gut punch. Don't think most people comprehend the deep, visceral pain of intimate betrayal unless they've been through it themselves. Including therapists. That's why choosing the right therapist is so crucial. Many are ill-equipped to deal with infidelity. Ironically, MC's are often the most ill-equipped - some ascribe to the "unmet needs" approach - that each partner contributed to the marital impasse (or infidelity). The wrong MC can do extensive damage. H and I didn't do MC for that very reason. The marriage didn't cheat and lie - HE did. Early post D-day he was all about blame shifting his selfish choices onto me. The wrong MC might reinforce the self-entitlement he was spouting. He needed to untangle himself first, figure out why he thought it was okay to do what he did before I could feel safe enough to tackle MC homework assignments like working on communication patterns etc.

IC was VERY helpful for ME - to help sort through options and help put some boundaries around how I was willing to be treated and how we treated each other in the marriage. Sounds like you're isolated with no one to talk to. IC for you could be a big help, so hope the ADHD counselor can work with other issues as well. An IC trained in trauma recovery would be ideal. Because that's what infidelity is - it's trauma. And, it's okay to reach out to a trusted friend or family member (or two or three) for support. You're not alone. Sharing with just one friend, someone who has your back, could be a big help. Don't isolate yourself to protect her image.

we are back to talking more vulnerably and intimately the passion has come back, the long cuddles, and I see her making an effort to fix everything she ignored these past years

But is it better to just let her and my wants influence me?

We emotionally talk it thru then alot of bed room action for a couple of days, then emotional slipping and the cycle continues. I don't know if this is the best way to process it all.

Hear you on this. Don't beat yourself up too much about wanting to connect physically. It's a mind**** to still desire physical connection with someone who stabbed your heart! It's natural to seek solace and comfort from our partners - it's just so darn confusing when the person we turn to for reassurance and connection is the person who could brutally betray us again. Therefore, while it's (generally) okay to enjoy sex if reconciliation is a realistic goal, think it's also important to understand where motivation to rekindle things in the sack might be coming from.

Is it hysterical bonding? Is it love bombing? Search those terms, maybe one fits. A couple of months post D-day H and I did a whole lotta hysterical bonding. It was gratifying, but it didn't last long. After all that physical reconnecting calmed down, his issues that led to cheating hadn't disappeared. That work took a looooong time. He's still working on his stuff years later, BTW. Felt like (for us) HB sex was a short term distraction from the BIG relationship reckoning that had to be dealt with.

You describe a cycle where after reconnecting physically, a few days later things "slip" right back. Wondering this - the physical connection is improving - but what else is she doing to become a safe partner? What else is she doing to work on the relationship? Words are easy. Love bombing is easy. Is she love bombing you? Love bombing is a common betrayer strategy. A little love bombing may help her rug sweep selfish choices. She may be hoping sex and cuddles will smooth things over. That may work for now, but burying the trauma won't help you feel safe. You won't feel secure enough to turn off the "visions" and "spiraling" until she figures out why she did what she did. And deals with it. And proved she's reliable over time. For example, seems implementing a few lasting strategies around finding healthy internal self validation rather than seeking external validation from others could be something to dig into----- if she's serious about becoming a better human being. So the trauma of infidelity doesn't happen again.

Which leads to these next observations. Random, hope this POV helps. Not trying to be cruel. The goal is to help you get out infidelity, whether the desired outcome is reconciliation or separation.

Seems there's a pattern here. Life throws challenges at her, so she reaches out to an old boyfriend for "help" even though she's already married or in a longterm relationship. Feels like the affair with high school friend is essentially similar to what happened when you "helped her leave an abusive relationship." Which could be exacerbating your feelings of hyper-vigilance; that dreadful anticipation of when the next shoe will drop. What happens when the relationship hits another rough patch? Which it will. Life is that way. Will she repeat this pattern again?

And, IMO, HS AP wasn't the sole instigator. Your partner is culpable. At each fork in the path, she chose the route that led straight to infidelity. It takes two. I understand the urge to blame the AP and not the partner. Been there done that. Post D-day I was desperate to find ANY explanation for H's destruction of our old marriage. Depression. Low testosterone. ANYTHING rather than face the reality that he did it because he wanted to - because he was selfish, entitled- because he got something out of it. Random, right now it feels safer to put most of the blame on him - that he "took advantage of her" rather than acknowledge she's an adult who had the ability to say no WAY BEFORE they got to the point where he was talking about the future. That she CHOSE to betray. That she got something out of it. Yes it hurts. But, it's so important to realistically see our partners with open eyes so we can make logical decisions about what comes next.

Please take care of yourself. Don't put all your focus on saving her, or saving the relationship. At this point the onus to repair the relationship rests with her. Can she work hard to remediate her selfish thinking and take full responsibility for your trauma? Nothing you did or didn't do caused her to cheat. You must save yourself first. Sure, you can be open to change, but don't play the fall guy. Taking care of yourself includes protecting your mental health. Sleep, exercise, self-care. Work on defining what YOU want out of the relationship. Hang in there.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:41 AM, Tuesday, February 4th]

Thank you all, I didn't think being this open was for me but I really appreciate all the perspectives. I think we will try MC but appreciate the eye opening povs. I have always been a good advocate for myself and won't put up with any bullshit.

Im going to keep spitting things out here to hold myself accountable.

Does anyone have any tricks to stop the visions or spiraling thoughts? So far I've thought them thru till I get to a point that one won't stop and I have to address it with her. Then we talk and sometimes it's gets into a little fight but vulnerability happens and i feel better.

Im still learning this platform and been using my phone so bare with me.

@BoundaryBuilder i appreciate your words. She has acknowledged her own bad patterns too. My own baggage led me to her and I can't not protect her. I do love her unconditionally but I am trying to balance my needs in there. It actually makes her feel worse but I am who I am and the way I see it stopping being me is not what I want. But I know it can't happen blindly and I am sticking up for myself. It's part of my inner battle. For me to not care I'd have to build a wall, i don't want to with her. Not unless I know I absolutely have to.

Does anyone have any tricks to stop the visions or spiraling thoughts?

That's your brain on trauma. There's a good article in the Healing Library about what to do about the mind movies. One member would mentally go through all of the steps to make a salad. It's finding something that works for you. Other grounding exercises can help, like taking some grounding breaths. The 5-4-3-2-1 method: identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

For spiraling thoughts, I found meditation to be helpful. I have access to Headspace, but there are other apps such as Calm.