I feel really dazed and confused, overwhelmed with grief, guilt, and hurt.
Been separated from WS since early November, his contact with DD has been sporadic at best. I have said he can call her whenever he likes and am more than open to weekend visits, and here comes one of the reasons for my guilt and the things I beat myself up on a regular basis... I moved us 6.5 hours away to live with my mum and sister馃槚 In defensive of this and my own defense, I did it because I had no access to support, I had no one to turn to and no place to go locally (military family and live in remote area). It was just geography that they were 6.5 hours away, if they had been half an hour or 40 mins for 2 hours down the road, I'd have still gone there because I was at breaking point. I wasn't functioning, I began to flinch at the sound of helicopters, see him places he wasn't and became incredibly hypervigilant, and most important of all - wasn't taking care of our daughter. As I previously mentioned we kept what had happened to ourselves, I felt humiliated and like I had been t-boned in a RTA. My world was falling apart and stupidly in my head, if no one knew I could stop people knowing altogether and I now realise I just wanted it to not be true, if no one knew - maybe it wouldn't be. WH also didn't want anyone to know, didn't want chain of command to find out at all - he was attributing his infidelity (which was unprotected sex 3 times in 1 night, although this has since changed to OW climaxing 3 times) to his MH issues and later, to her taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable.
I left in early Nov and have always stuck to I want a divorce, it was something to cling to while I fell apart and lost all sense of reality. I have always said cheating was an absolute no, unforgivable and gameover for any relationship. Funny how you say these things hypothetically but when you're actually in that situation.... All ability to find your feet, process and reason goes out the window. I absolutely fell apart, it destroyed me and continues to do so, my moods are incredibly up and down, although I have to admit more down than ever up.
To start with he showed zero remorse nor did ever take any responsibility, he's exained it as he betrayed our vows and me because he wanted to (first reason he gave me) . This changed to blaming his MH, being taken advantage of and having no experience of women coming on to him later, commented on our lack of sex (4 times in 7 months).
I stuck to saying I wanted to separate, something he had agreed to on and off as our best course of action, because it was something to cling to and I needed that. I had nothing else. I now think perhaps I was just waiting for him to show me some feeling, some understanding of how much he'd blown my world apart, completely shattered me, and left me broken. But he didn't. Instead the majority of talk on the ramifications of separation centered around how it would impact him (he'd have nothing and no one, I was punishing him (all of us), he couldn't focus on his MH issues while our marriage stuff was going on, I was being selfish for wanting to leave, it was going to cost him 拢160 to see DD every time, and she'd grow up to make catastrophic life decisions as a result of us leaving/separating.
WH has stuck to his MH issues as being the reason he was unfaithful, and in hindsight, I can see although he's always been an aloof person, not given to huge amount of affection throughout our years together, and has been a stereotypical military person in his outlook, his behaviour and coldness has increased over the years. I've spent hours, days going over and over things, desperately trying to work out at what point they started to go downhill for us, I can hazard he may have started to develop MH issues about 8-10 years ago. During these 8-10 years the way he behaved changed, he became more rigid in his opinions and thoughts, more demanding and had high expectations of and for me (people in general), everything in the home had to be just so and impeccably neat and tidy, to the point you wouldn't have known we had a baby or child as DD got older, and he became less receptive to any emotional needs.
The point I'm taking the scenic route to get to (thanks for reading so far) is that I'm a mess. Still. Mentally and emotionally. I am overwhelmed by guilt, if I can see and admit he had MH issues and roughly ascertain when they started, have I done a terrible thing, the wrong thing not giving him a second chance? Have I abandoned him when he needs me most the way he says I have? Have I acted too swiftly in agreeing to starting divorce proceedings?
I feel so guilty and ashamed of so many things, not giving him a second chance, for running away while he was away like an inherent coward, taking DD so far away from him rendering it difficult for them to have physical contact, and for not being to forgive him for the way he's hurt me. I'm such a mess I'm confused, one part of me wants to run to him, to fall into arms and at his feet, and beg him to explain why he's done this to me, how he could hurt me, and destroy my world. A part of me wants him to finally be vulnerable with me, tell me why he did it, show me he really knows and understands the extent of the hurt he's caused. I want that not to punish to him, but because then I might be able to feel that he did love me, even if it was once and I meant something to him. It's stupid and childish I know. 馃槥
Meanwhile, I tear myself apart wondering if leaving him and taking our DD away from him (therapist has said he has narcissist tendencies and behaviours) was the right thing to do? I ask myself, how can it be when I feel awful and can't let go? 馃槩
