SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
This is my first time posting so please be kind!
Looking for advice from those who have been through similar... Wondering if i am fighting a losing battle but i really don't want to part with my family.
Background - me and my partner of 15 years expanded our business last year (predominately his, I WFH doing the accounts & kids). He is very passionate about the business, and works 75+ hours per week, has done since we met due to the nature of his work. I have become more involved since it's growth due to me having more of a behind the scenes skillset.. HR/Accounting/Admin. We have two children (10&6). I genuinely considered us to be happily married and so fortunate to have found each other and be growing together.
I found out just after the expansion that he was pursuing a new member of staff, half his age at 22. I felt him detach rapidly, so found it out within 2 weeks of it starting - she very much reciprocated but left quickly after I found out.
We commenced marriage counselling, but over the period of 6 months following, i found out they were still in touch and secretly meeting from time to time.
During this period and just by awful chance, my sister died suddenly, my mum got a critical illness diagnosis and our dog died. I was absorbed in grief, unable to function properly (panic attacks/anxiety), and felt like my life was being shattered and i had no control. There was so much opportunity for him to stop but he didnt.
We didnt have time away from eachother, for the kids, and his promises to stop and remain loyal - we were planning another baby.
Fast forward to now, I am still experiencing paranoia and I still really struggle to go in to the business, it is tainted. We are still in counselling, and he wants to forget this has all happened, but I can't. I'm trying but his movements still feel odd, he goes to the gym late at night after work which is new, and whenever he goes distant or moves differently, I am almost certain they've been in touch with each other. It is very difficult.
I feel a lot stronger personally, and I will not turn a blind eye, but I can not figure out if my intuition is right and he is lying or i am completely off.
Sorry, this is long! I really want this to work and move forward, but it feels impossible while he's acting this way - I don't even know how i feel about him now? Is this a midlife crisis?! Do i sit patiently waiting.. How do I move..

Sorry you’re here.

Going to the gym late at night would certainly concern me. Could you follow him; have a friend follow him; pi?

MC was a mistake; implies you, or your marriage compelled him to cheat. That’s nonsense. This is 100% on him. He needs to figure out what is wrong with him; how could he let himself do this.

Stay strong. Unfortunately, you’re in early days.

Welcome to SI and so very sorry you've had reason to join our group. Please take the time to read the posts that are pinned to the top of the forum, as well as the unpinned ones with bull's eye icons. Also, the Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information.

The panic attacks and anxiety are part of the betrayal trauma. IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Also, you can ask your doctor for some meds to help you through for the short term. Please get tested for STDs/STIs.

You might wonder why we say no MC (marriage counseling) right away is because the M didn't cheat - your WH did. There are MCs that will shift some of the blame to you, or tell the WS (wayward spouse) they don't have to share information with the BS (betrayed spouse), or follow the unmet needs fallacy. IC for both of you until you're healed enough for MC. MC would then help you work on your relationship, communication, etc.

Practice self-care and give yourself grace. This is so tough, so be gentle to yourself. I suggest reading up on the 180 and detaching a little. This will help you emotionally and mentally.

I can not figure out if my intuition is right and he is lying or i am completely off

You know what I found out? My XWH's (wayward ex-husband's) lying caused me to not trust my intuition. Around here we say to always trust your gut. Another phrase is that cheaters lie and then lie some more.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Watch his actions because his words don't mean much right now.

One thing you can do is go visit a lawyer or 2 or 3. Just to get an idea of what D (divorce) would look like. It doesn't mean that you have to D, but it will give you knowledge - and knowledge is power.

Leafields has given you great advice. STD checks. Therapy for you. And a lawyer. You said that you felt out of control. Perfectly normal reaction for someone who was betrayed by the one person who you trusted the most. Now you need to take back some control. See a lawyer and find out where you are legally. Ask the lawyer for a referral to a private investigator and find out for sure if he’s still actively betraying you. Yes, guts can be accurate, but they can also be on the fritz after being traumatized.

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.

Thanks for the responses.

Another blow up today although I remained calm however frustrated - 3 different times he’s been to the gym but his gym is showing he hasn’t attended on his gym app - he says it’s been faulty on those nights… for a gym which has no staff, so I imagine they don’t often have faulty check ins. My intuition is really perking up 😫.

Equally found deleted photo which was showing a gold necklace from an online shop - a picture he either screenshotted or was sent, then deleted. I only wear silver and he doesnt buy anyone else jewellery.

What shall I do - how do I find the truth out?! And given that I almost certainly know they’re in touch, why won’t he just leave me for her?!

First thing Monday run, do not walk, to the closest family attorney you can find. I’m betting a whole lot of money right here that he is biding his time. Trying to figure out how to leave you without losing any money. That sounds cruel, but that’s the way life is these days. You need to protect yourself immediately.

Why do you need proof? you KNOW something is up and he is not being honest. This is not a court of law. You just have to know this is not good and not okay and not acceptable.

Go to a lawyer or three and learn what D really might look like. Knowledge is power and will alleviate a lot of unfounded fears and help you see a true picture. Don’t tell him.

He has not stopped his A. He’s lying about the gym. This is hurting you and all that time he is spending chasing his A is time he is stealing from your kids and you. He may be spending marital funds too. It’s time to protect yourself and your kids. Oh - and make sure you are using birth. Control. Another kid right now is NOT what you need.

Sending strength…

Hit him in the wallet. Stop helping him run his business until YOU have financial ownership in it OR find another job.

See an attorney. Just to find out the laws in your state. I believe you are going to need it.

One thing that sticks out to me is his priorities:
It’s the business (75 hours)
Then himself (the gym after the long work-day)
Family...

You are third, as are the kids...
Now – it might be that the OW is second, but that doesn’t change where he places you.

I agree – hurt him in the wallet.

You do the books. You know the financial situation.
Refuse to allow him this behavior, talk to an attorney and demand change. That change might lead to divorce or it might lead to you reconciling. But it will be change.