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What does everyone do on the really hard days? The days when the intrusive thoughts take over and/or the extreme sadness kicks in?

I try the basics - journaling, exercise, self care etc. What is something that you find helps or pulls you out of your feelings sooner? I know I have to go through the feelings but I just feel like sometimes the emotional pit is so deep and it’s hard to get out.

The answer is going to be different for everybody. For me, I used meditation as a tool to refocus my thoughts. Well, I had to learn how to meditate first. There are free apps that can help.

There's an article in the Healing Library that may help you. Some of the suggestions here helped out, too.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

ETA: Science shows playing some games can rewire your brain to stop them. Things like match 3 like Candy Crush.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:29 PM, Friday, February 21st]

Exercise helps. There’s a meme of a cute cat stomping through a room going on about walking for his ##$##& mental health. I feel that way sometimes. But physical exhaustion (or just a good tiring) can help. Also anything that requires concentration. I also used the meditation app Calm to try to use breathing and meditation to slow my system down.

Have you tried setting a time limit? Like you get one hour to be sad? Maybe if you give yourself permission to be sad for a while, you can do that and then shake it off.

(And sometimes you just accept that it will be a sad day.)

When days used to be really dark (and it wasn’t a work day - work was a blessing in disguise for me) I would clean like there was no tomorrow, go through cupboards and throw out stuff I didn’t need, exercise but somewhere with a view eg climb a mountain, walk on the beach, take the kids on an activity without him, and online shop (lol).
I don’t recommend the last one - I spent quite a bit of money 😂😂😂

Dancing to my favorite dance music… but weeding out the star crossed love songs!

I often gave myself time to feel the pain, hurt, anger…whatever. With my timer set. 15 mins. Then I can went onto to all the options mentioned.

I would go for a drive and have conversations with myself. Things that were not productive to say to my H. But driving refocused me. I found some areas of town that I had never been. Or wound up in a town 60 miles from home.

Take care, be gentle to yourself.

I had a list of tasks and chores.
Never before, and not since, have I cleaned the bathroom, scrubbed the floors, done the laundry, waxed the car, rearranged the freezer... at all times of the day, and maybe 2-3 times same week. But these mundane chores got my mind off the misery.

I remember those tough days. Yeah, work helped, but I found that I usually felt better after a good sleep. One peice of advice given to me by a monk really helped me. He said that I am not my feelings. He told me not to say I was sad, but rather that I was experiencing the feeling of sadness. And once I had learned what I needed to learn from it, I would move onto another feeling.

I know it seems simple, but it helped me understand the transitory nature of emotion. Now I sit in my feelings rather than fight them. They also don't seem to be as powerful nor stay as long. Hope you're doing better...

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.

Thank you all so much for your support and suggestions! I was having such a rough day last week and didn't seem to want to end. I work nights and that is when my WH would scout for people to cam with in sex chats and then he would cam with them when I was sleeping in the next room the next day so I have a lot of trauma around my work schedule. This makes those days so hard and a trigger in themselves. I am definitely trying to redirect my thoughts more as I was finding ruminating on them wasn't really helping as I wasn't really dealing with anything. I was just obsessing about details and facts and the mental images I have conjured up. It just keeps that pit of anger and despair open inside of me. Here's to lighter days.

Just bought a steam mop and am systematically cleaning all the grout in the tile floors and shower.

Obsessive cleaning is the way to go!

Arnold01 ,I always did all the cleaning,especially on Saturday morning it was when I went through and did a better job that didn’t get addressed during the week because of work. I would clean while what my wife was supposed to be working out at the gym.Going through divorce after being together 37 years.Now cleaning is my time for me to get away from reality.

When I was in the ruminating state, I sometimes remembered to query my feelings - was I sad, mad, scared, ashamed, whatever? Once I got to the feeling, I'd do something to express the feeling, and that would get me out of the rumination.

But I had to remember to do that, and I often didn't remember, so I often stayed stuck in rumination. The more I healed, though, the easier it was to remember to get away from thoughts and into feelings. The feelings were scary, to be sure, but I had them. They didn't have me.

That'd true for all of us. You have your feelings. They don't have you.

I handled it differently depending on the day. Some days I had to block the intrusive thoughts or they would overwhelm me and make me suicidal. Other days, I would allow myself to ruminate on what happened for a certain amount of time and then would move on about my day. Triggers were a huge obstacle for me for a long time, and still occur occasionally. It sounds cliche, but time does truly heal all wounds, and 3 years out from the last DD, I can review what happened in my mind now and it does not bother me so much anymore. I trust my WS fully again and things are going well for us, which has helped a lot. Hang in there.