SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out last night that my husband of 25 years cheated with a co worker 20 years younger than him.
I feel sick.
I had my suspicions months ago after a lot of mentionistis as he was always talking about her and about how funny she is etc and I noticed they were texting each other a lot about non work things and noticed him on his phone more late at night.

She is very attractive, 35 and is very career driven and doesn’t have or want children.
Everything opposite to me.

She was offered a new job and since my husband found out she is leaving the company they both work for he has been really upset saying how much he is going to miss her it was like he was pining for already.

I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with the amount of contact they were having and time spent with her (always in the pub after work together especially since she said she is leaving) he laughed it off saying she isn’t interested in him and he isn’t interested in her and that they just like a lot of the same things and it’s just a good friendship.
Then a few nights ago he went out after work for a "few drinks" and he got home at 2am, he never stays out that late.

I just had a gut feeling he was with her all night so the next day I checked his phone when he was in the shower.
I saw on his uber app that he had got an uber from her house at 1.30am so I knew that’s where he had been.
Then I checked his texts and he sent her a text that morning thanking her for a ‘brilliant night’ she replied saying the pleasure was all hers and he sent back’ not just yours’
I knew something had happened.

I confronted him and told me that if he didn’t tell me the truth I would call her and ask her myself.

He then completely broke down and admitted that they went out, they drank too much and went back to her house he said they didn’t have sex but they did engage in oral sex. He went down on her twice and she gave him a blowjob. I asked if they had kissed I don’t know why I felt that this was important after what I had found out! He said yes, they spent 2 hours making out and engaging in oral sex and to me this feels more intimate than drunken quick sex.

He said it didn’t mean anything but this woman he spoke so highly of for months, that he has worked alongside for years, that he spent so much time with after work in the pub…it feels it was emotional and not just a drunken mistake but that this has all built up.

Sorry for the long post. I feel utterly broken and I’m not sure where to go from here. We have been married 25 years, have 4 children and a new grandchild. My life is completely shattered.

This is becoming an epidemic. Movie stars dumping their wives for girls 30 years younger. My neighbor married a man 15 years older and I wish she could tell these young women what their lives will be. Her entire 60s>80s were taking him to the ER. She was ALWAYS getting calls from him if she was out for more that a few minutes. Her life with him was good for the first 15 years. When he died I asked if there was anything I could do to help her grieve. She said she was all out of tears because she had been grieving for years. Then she got dementia.

All this to say he fell for her. It sounds like she enjoyed him but not to be with him. This is the price you pay when your values slip sideways.

I hope you get IC to help you process your pain.

You need to see a lawyer to protect yourself. You need a dr for anxiety. You need to get enough sleep and nutritious meals. Stay away from alcohol.

Lots of folks who have been where you are. Sometimes weekends are slow. Stay on here. Much good advice.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. I'm sorry that you've had to look for us. Infidelity is the worst.

It sounds like he had an EA (emotional affair) that turned to a PA (physical affair). Kissing & oral are physical acts, so it is a PA IMO. (Others may have a different opinion.)

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be very helpful. Also, it's possible that he still isn't telling the truth. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. He didn't make a mistake. He made thousands of conscious decisions to cheat. Also, he needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, as well as Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Then, watch his actions to see that he's becoming safe. His words are pretty useless right now because you know he's lied to you. He also needs to go NC (no contact) with AP (affair partner). NC = no new hurts.

If you're having trouble eating, at least try to drink some protein shakes. If you have trouble with sleep or anxiety, ask your doctor for some meds. If it comes out that your WH did have sex, then please get tested for STDs/STIs.

You may also wish to see a lawyer or three to see how things would look if you D (divorce). The visit(s) would be to gain knowledge, and knowledge is power. You don't have to make any decisions right now, if you feel that you want to think about it.

Your story is exactly my story. Typical midlife crisis affair with a much younger woman.

Please do not let your H tell you the typical Cheater crap, such as:

It only happened once.

We did not have sex. (Define sex lol)

It did not mean anything.

It just "happened"

We are just "friends"

And on and on.

Please know that there is a typical cheater pattern of behavior once they are found out and your H seems to be doing many of them.

I’d suggest you get some counseling for yourself. The reconciliation process is as challenging as the divorce process and finding an experienced counselor who truly understands infidelity can help navigate this painful process.

I am sorry for you but you had an inkling something was up with the co-worker and you were right.

Also do not let your H blame you for his decision to have an affair. You did nothing so terrible that would give him a reason to cheat. If he was unhappy, that’s in him to fix, especially if he never told you he was "unhappy".

IMO most cheaters are not really unhappy in their marriage until they meet the OW ( or other man). Then all of a sudden they look for reasons to be angry or bothered or annoyed or just a jerk to their spouse.

Keep posting - you will get great advice here.

I’m so sorry you are here.

We were also right around 25 years together when my ex cheated.

Let me give you some advice that you don’t want to hear: kick his ass out right now. I mean right now. No contact unless it has to do with kids or finances. Lawyer up. Get your financials together and know where ALL of the marital assets are.

Do NOT do the "pick me" dance. It does not work and only makes it worse for you.

Divorces take a long time. Lots of opportunity for him to earn you back if he deserves you. But if you don’t get started, you’ll be married to an asshole for a very long time trying to divorce him.

There are some here that believe you get a better divorce settlement if you hit them while they are in the height of their guilt.

You can do marriage counseling and all the things (if you want) AFTER you’ve kicked him out, talked to an attorney, and made some plans for yourself.

I was given all of this advice when I first arrived here. I didn’t listen. It didn’t go well for me. A decade later I see the wisdom in this advice.

One last thing: NEVER make decisions from a place of fear.

You and the kids are going to be ok.

I am so very sorry. My FWH cheated about the same time in our marriage as yours. It is so hard to go through this. You have had some great advice. Mine from what I wished I had done differently:

1. Do not do marital counseling right now. This isn't a both of your problem. This is a him problem. He needs to work on him.

2. Do individual counseling for yourself to help get through this. You need some strength from an external source. The counselor can help you navigate.

3. As suggested before, do not do the "pick me dance". Avoid sex with him, get tested. While he admits to the one time, likely there have been others. Do not believe what he says right now. He will do everything he can to minimize the damage which ultimately on makes it worse. He said they didn't have sex, but had oral sex. That is sex the last time I checked.

4. Don't let him use the 'bad marriage', bad partner excuse. He made the choices. This has nothing to do with you. This is all him.

5. I wish I would have spoken with a lawyer early on to have known my rights. Then at any point I chose, I could have pulled the cord.

6. Expose the affair. Getting it out of the dark makes a tremendous difference.

My husband and I did stay together but I cannot tell you it has been easy. It took over 5 years to heal and regain my self-esteem and self-worth. His AP had died now....but I still have not forgotten her or the A. I wish I could but it will live with me forever. I do believe if I had taken a different path as suggested above, my healing would have gone a different way.

Take care of yourself, that is the most important thing right now. If you have a family, take care of them too.

Thank you everyone.
I have told my brother, he lives on the coast an hour away and I left yesterday to spend a week here. I just needed to get away.

I am not thinking straight right now.
I don’t work, I haven’t worked in 2 years so he is the sole breadwinner and earner in the house.
I feel completely stuck.

Right now I think I am still processing. My brother and sister in law are being a fantastic support.

My WH keeps trying to call and message but I am not ready to listen to any more of his lies just yet.

Oh Broken, my heart hurts for you. My WH had an affair with a co-worker as well. He was 42 she was 23 🤮. After the initial shock and hurt I realised how pathetic I thought he truly was because of this. Cliche much!!!

I also don’t understand how or why your WH would try to minimise his actions (that’s if he is telling the truth) that it was only ‘oral’ and kissing. How is that any better? Honestly, waywards blow my mind with the dumb shit they say.

I’m so glad to hear you have your brother and SIL to go to. Sounds like you are very strong and getting the help you need. This site is amazing for support, even when you just need to vent. Thinking of you x

I’m so so sorry you are here and I know the pain you are feeling right now is indescribable.

My husband too had an affair with a coworker, she was 19 he was 39 when it started.

I don’t know what you wish to do with your marriage but if you are thinking of working things out I would recommend getting a polygraph done so at least you know how far it actually went.

I’m so glad you have the support of your brother, keep posting on here there are amazing people on here and you will find it a great comfort.

I noticed you are in the UK like me, you need to self refer to talking therapies with the NHS, your GP will give you the contact number or go online and fill the self referral form in, you will get help with a therapist and even if you don’t want one to one counselling you can do an online program.

Take care of yourself.

Do not operate from a place of fear.

You can get a job.

You will get alimony (not sure of the amount).

You will divide your assets by state mandated guidelines or some agreement you come to with the potential XH.

I am one of the successful people who have happily reconciled. For six months I did the pick me dance (I did not know about SI then). Finally at dday2 I had enough!

I was so angry that I snapped. Told him we were done - get out - and planned to file for D in 2-3 weeks after the holidays.

It was at that moment he stopped playing me for a fool and realized he had made a huge mistake. He thought he was in control of the situation. Sadly he misjudged me. And my ability to make my own decisions.

I don’t know where you will end up. However make sure you are in control of your future and your own life- even if you reconcile.

I demanded a post nup to even consider reconciliation. He willingly signed it even knowing there was a strong possibility we could end up D.

That was one if the early signs he was all in.

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.