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Hi sorry if this is long.

I'd just like advice on the situation with my husband and the lack of boundaries and respect and other women.

Theres another woman who hes mentioning a lot a work colleague who is very full on and flirty. He seems to be lapping it up.

It's really beginning to get me down her attention seeking and what's been going on. There's a "work group chat" between her, my husband and other colleagues who are also married which is filled with attention seeking posts and selfies and sexual related banter referencing to her which is out of order. Am I right in thinking this is wrong? It makes me cringe. Some of it is ok but most of the time she's fuelling the chat and it turns sexual. She often posts selfies of herself with low cut tops in there. Several married men are in the chat giving her attention. This is supposed to be a work colleague chat. Now I'm not prude but I know where my boundaries are and I've told my husband I do not like it and to not get involved, but he already is. And i dont know just how much . Im worried theres more boundaries being crossed in direct messaging.odd things have been happening with him acting odd and just my feeling in general. My trust is low with him due to some similar previous behaviour. He takes his phone every where with him. Is always snappy with me, emotionally distant. There's alsorts really.

All i know is i dont like it with this. My gut is telling me. Far worse than anything . Its going to get to a point where I snap and say something again but I don't want to cause an argument. He dosent think he's doing anything wrong but gets defensive (red flag??)

She also spends a lot of time with my husband at work and I've also noticed she's messaging him directly which as you can imagine i dont like based on other behaviour ive seen. She seems the type who likes to do this kind of thing to get the wives annoyed. Has anyone been in this situation. She's actually got a partner herself, which is even worse in my opinion. Apparently they aren't getting on. Which means she's offloading about her partner to other men. Not good. I get the feeling she's not happy and loving all the attention. Wish she would back off but my husband should be cutting it off!!!! Any advice or just to confirm what I'm feeling is right would be appreciated. I'm sick of the blatant disrespect.

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 10:13 PM, Sunday, March 2nd]

Welcome to SI. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some posts that aren't pinned that I'll bump for you that have some good resources. The Healing Library also has a ton of information.

Have you two read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? The book has a checklist or quiz that will help determine if this is an EA (emotional affair). She discusses boundaries within the M (marriage). Another recommended book is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

He should be careful. If Human Resources were to find the texts, then there may be trouble.

Don't say anything right now. Get a copy of Not Just Friends right now. Give it to him and tell him you want to talk about it with him in a week.

Hi thank you. I have read the newbie posts in particular the very good one regarding boundaries. I've found the book and will be ordering it.

I'm just feeling so fed up, I know something isn't right. He's also got pin and fingerprint security on his phone so I can't even check his phone more. I wouldn't normally. He says the security on his phone is because if he lost it at work and his banking apps are on it. You need a pin to access banking apps or it locks you out. :( I just feel he's lying over things and not been honest at all. Things haven't been great the last 2 years with us with varying things. We've had a lot of stress and my sons mental health has been severe and worrying and hes had all my attention. Husband has no empathy either. It's like pulling teeth communicating.

There's been other red flags recently. Really snappy, like causing arguments and doing things so i get upset and anxious. New underwear purchases, new clothes. He said its for our holiday in may, it could well be but my paranoia is awful.

Something isn't right. Xx

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 6:54 AM, Monday, March 3rd]

Trust your gut. From what you have posted, I would be very suspicious also.

Especially himPicking fights. Huge 🚩🚩and to me, evidence of his infatuation for the flirty co-worker.

So sorry for you.

What is their work-relationship as far as the hierarchy goes? Like is she in a supporting role, a supervisor or is your husband in any way her superior as far as the job is concerned?
The reason I ask is that most companies (if not all…) do their very best to prevent sexual harassment / discrimination / abuse instances. This is why you no longer see those calendars with naked women at tire-stores and women don’t have to expect and accept having their bottoms pinched or wolf-whistled at during the work-day.
If he is in any way her superior or has some leadership role in the company then simply taking part or even not doing anything to calm these threads might make him accountable and place his job or his chances of advancement at risk.

I have seen employees taken aside and given warnings (in fact, I have delivered them myself) due to inappropriate actions. I have seen employees fired – both men and women – for inappropriate actions (granted – to get fired they need to be relatively serious). I also know of at least one person who realized that having an affair with his staff members (plural…) might be the reason he never got that promotion he expected.

Thank you all I really appreciate the replies

Bigger- they are at the same level and work in a role where it's male dominated. But def not a manager situation . This woman was at the company before he started. But I definitely understand what you mean

So something weird has gone on recently. He has her on his social media and has stopped liking her posts. But maybe that's because if me and actually doing the right thing?

He got all teary the other evening over something random aswell which stands out. Guilt????

He was all over her fb posts at one point. Always liking her posts no matter what it was and commenting. Now I've got this awful feeling someone has said something but it could also be that he's calmed it down a bit. But it's not Like him. He's also been asking me if I'm OK all the time, much more than usual. I'm thinking is he worried someone is going to say something. Theres been other things aswell im beginning to question.I hate all this it's horrible I can't keep living like this. X

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 11:38 AM, Monday, March 3rd]

To be clear: I don’t think there should be any issue with men and women working together, and marital status doesn’t impact that in any way. Telling Joe that the contract is in the bag shouldn’t be different than telling Jane the same. Nor is discussing with Jack or Sue if someone should bring cake tomorrow. However – I would never comment that those pants make Joe’s bulge stand out, nor would I ask Sue if her nipples were erect.

Does your husband partake in the discussions once they cross into inappropriate?
Does he make snide comments or something that could be classed as inuendo or sexually connected?
Does he instigate or support these comments and pictures?
Is this chat work-related or purely social?

IF he’s just a part of a work-group chat that is necessary for his job, then I can’t really see much fault in his actions IF he doesn’t participate in the inappropriate comments. That includes likes of pictures that would solely be there for personal validation. (Like a pic of her in her new top, versus a pic of her in a new top signing a deal with a customer).
If he feels it uncomfortable, and the chat is work related, he should mention his discomfort to his supervisor or HR. If it’s purely a social chat and not a requirement for his work... participation is optional IMHO.
Infidelity is IMHO a lot – if not all – about personal boundaries and respecting them. We can all experience getting into a situation where we can choose if we stick to our morals or let them slide. He can choose to stick to his morals by not partaking in this chat once it get’s off track, while his work might require he remain attentive – if not active – on the chat.

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His changes might be some awakening to his age, a warning by HR, or a realization that he was straying, or having his advances to her cut short, or... an affair. I’m not excluding that, but I doubt they had a workplace affair flaunted in some accessible chat. As a rule those having workplace affairs are 100% certain nobody knowns, when in fact everyone knows...

I think we tend to be looking for indicators of infidelity in everything once we get that nagging feeling. I think you should sit him down and express your concerns. I think you should make it clear about your discomfort with this interaction and that you have concerns about his behavior. Ask his what he wants – to reconnect the marriage or carry on what he’s doing now.

Thank you Bigger. I agree.

This work chat is a social chat with work colleagues where he is getting directly involved with over the top flirty sexual banter and aimed at her. Others do it too and these others are married men. She fuels it also. Provocative photos look at me etc.

I've told him it's inappropriate and all he's said is "she's a bit much " and "it's just having a laugh " but it's too much

It's not just normal banter. If it was I wouldn't be bothered.

She's also been messaging him directly which is what I don't like more x

I think you should calmly sit down with him and ask him to show you those chats and DMs. Ask him to hand over the phone and if he doesn't immediately open it up and hand it to you, ask him what the problem is.

Definitely a red flag. Not sure if I missed this in your previous posts, but has this been a discussion at all, even if was a tense one? If he is participating, not only is this inappropriate and disrespectful behavior on your marriage, but to @leafields point, HR. This behavior is risky and only takes one of the other people in their group chat either feeling left out, rejected, or uncomfortable for them to report the contents of their chat.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope your husband hears you with an open heart.

Thank you all

Survivinglies- yes there has on two or three occasions I've told him it's inappropriate and that I dont like it or her behaviour and it's just been ignored.

I'm going to have another word about it. He dosent seem to realise how bad it is. Not only that, would he like it if it was the other way round!!! Would he like let's say "Jay from accounts" all over me and me participating in sexual related chat with him in a group and potentially messaging him directly?? NO he would not. But I wouldn't do it because I respect my husband.

This is where it takes the absolute mick. I'm just fed up and angry now.

This has happened before similar behaviour but not on this level with him. A couple of years ago a woman got too much with him and it was obvious she had taken a shine to him. He called me jealous and that he can't have any female friends. Another red flag

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 2:59 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

I would ask him to read the thread to you. His response should tell you a lot.

Blatant copy/paste from the ever-spot-on leafields post above:

Have you two read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? The book has a checklist or quiz that will help determine if this is an EA (emotional affair). She discusses boundaries within the M (marriage). Another recommended book is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

I've just ordered the book xx

It might seem like a bit of work, but create a second profile on your computer and simulate a conversation with a fake coworker that does exactly what he's doing. Even throw in some photos that mirror what she's doing. See how he reacts before revealing it was a test.

You are right. This is about his disrespect towards you.

You mentioned you had a similar issue years ago. Yet here you are, facing the same situation again.

I was in your shoes. A woman my H met in grad school was very obviously interested in him. This "friendship" went on for 4 years. I voiced my concern etc and he ignored me. Laughed at me. Had an "you cannot tell me who to be friends with" attitude.

It ended when she (the oW) called me to ask if my H could go with her to a friends wedding. She was looking for a date and thought since we were friends I would be ok with it. 😡😡😡😡

My H finally got the message after I planned to D him after his last affair. When I told him I was tired of the shenanigans and lying and cheating and I had nothing left to give him or the marriage.

I talked until I was blue in the face and nothing changed. His "you cannot tell me to who I can be friends with" attitude finally disappeared when he realized how disrespectful he had been to me. After his last affair btw.

So sorry for you.

I personally would tell him to let me see his phone and read any DM she sent him and if they were at all inappropriate I would tell her and him that it’s not okay and if they want to have a relationship they can but it won’t be while he is in one with me. I wouldn’t tip toe around him or her.

Ask for the facts and then decide what you want to do from there. If he won’t give you his phone then I think you know your answer. If it makes you uncomfortable and you have expressed that then it is not okay for him to continue it if he is married to you, period.

Bluefairy,

Something that bothers me a lot, that I personally experienced and have seen as a reoccurring theme with so many cheating stories is the "he/she is a friend and you’re being controlling" narrative. It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks you’re wrong for being uncomfortable with this woman. What matters is this, you are uncomfortable with her, and he swore a vow to put you above all others. Any person, be it family, or friend, who is causing a rift between you and your husband is a bad thing. You have every right, as his wife, to say I don’t appreciate this and you need to put me first. 9/10 cheating stories all start with the "just friend" line.

Your husband is at the very least disrespecting you. You have to set your boundary here. I know that boundaries have become sort of a buzz word, but in this case it applies. It doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t sleeping with her, he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespecting his wife.

I am sorry, but I don’t believe giving him the book is going to do anything. Not unless there are consequences with teeth behind it. And I am coming from a place where I tolerated the "just friends" behavior, so please don’t feel I am attacking you. I tried to show my WW books, videos, things like why she can’t talk to AP anymore, and it got turned on me as being as I was controlling her. How dare I insult her by saying she can’t see the person who is helping destroy our marriage. I suspect that your H will behave very similar.

My opinion, you make it very clear. Show you the texts, here and now, or you leave. You have to mean this and follow through. Very likely he will hem and haw, get angry, accuse you of being controlling or insecure etc. you have to hold your head up and feet on the ground. Demand it. If not, you go. Even if it’s to a separate bedroom. Let him get mad, let him flip out. Because if it was really innocent, he would show you without hesitation.

It’s hard to hear this, but again know that I speak from almost three years experience, you cannot possibly R if the behavior isn’t corrected. Yes, I am saying that if he doesn’t give you his phone you should Divorce him. Ask yourself, do you really want to stay with someone who puts a fucking coworker over his wife?