SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive got a process thats unfolding here, I have an infidelity specialist, and two stubborn dipshits, neither of which is going to be the one who blinks first, but at least are unwilling to give up on the other.

I have very little wisdom to offer here. You are clearly resolute in your chosen course of action, and no one can fault you for commitment. To not only deal with the trauma of a nearly certain full-on PA that you may never get clarity on, but an unremorseful WW who willingly subjected you to degrading humiliation time and again and still stands by while you suffer takes strength/ stubbornness that most people will never approach. A WW who ridiculously claims that she had the moral courage to not sleep with another man despite having shopped for condoms, but who did not have the backbone to stand up to them as they bullied you in front of her. That strength will serve you well as you work through the trauma you've endured.
Sorry if this has come up already and I missed it. But if you do, indeed, commit to R, just be prepared for POLF (Plain of Lethal Flatness). Once you get through the first few years of struggle, you may get to a point where what you won may not seem worth it. A "so, this is what I fought for?" It's very common to have that kind of buyer's remorse. Just like this shit sandwich, you can work through that as well.
Stay strong, brother. It will get better.

Weekends kill me. Havent enjoyed one in more than a year. Ww works em, and fears coming home to whatever state Im in.

Our therapist says its likely an unidentified trigger from me being alone, and the fact that the affairs happened at work alot. I tend to think its just because I have moments alone to be myself. When I rest, thats when realizations and conclusions just come into me like the koolaid man.

I suppose its processing. But it hurts. Its not peaceful.

I know "enough" at this point, I think. I assume. I fear getting iceberged, but intellectual honesty implies the likelihood of that falling more into irrational fear than likely threat. Im disappointed that no point of terminal honesty ever came to her, that I had to glean everything from deduction while she watched me flounder. Im bitter about it, but I dont hate her for it. I still dont see how to repair trust with someone who would have had me accept the least they had to, at any point, the whole way. Big problem.

I did realize that Wws Precancerous pap that she had a LEEP procedure done on in 2015, a diagnosis of a high risk strain of HPV from biopsy, was probably from the cheating in 2014. I asked Ww about it yesterday and she was surprised I had never connected the dots on that. Me too, in retrospect. There has just been too much information to sort backwards and forwards. I suppose in 2015 I had no clue what had actually happened relative to now, and assumed the hpv was from her college days. Ah well, we dealt with it. Its all just dust at this point.

Im doing my best. Im in a kind of homeostasis of injury, near as I can tell. The highs and lows are less peaky right now, and Im thankful for the lull in volatility.

I crave a feeling of accomplishment, but having a depressed urge to go create it. Trying to create small goals and put myself to work on em to "get myself back".

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 2:20 PM, Sunday, April 27th]

A guess: a lot of us grow up with a fear of abandonment. That might be playing into your discomfort.

You are doing good 5BDs. Your body will lead you through the healing. Please make sure you talk to her about the root injuries when they arise. It has helped my healing tremendously that my has been very open to talk when I have a trigger and hurt. It will get better over time....but don't bury.

Ask God to reveal any more truth necessary for you. I pray she grows during this and really learns to cherish you and your marriage.

Again....keep in mind it takes TIME. And when I say time I mean from the time of the final revelation whatever that is. From that point, when you actually have the objective truth, it takes 1 to 2 years minimum. Praying for you friend.🙏

Things have been mixed. Seems stable but up and down. Yesterday was heaven and this morning is hell, and she didnt do anything wrong. I grapple with anger and depression. First thoughts upon waking are the affairs, social abuse, and our FOO stuff. Every fucking time, whether its 2:00am or 5:00am. Ive become pretty adept at busying myself to reframe my headspace, but laying in bed trying to go back to sleep just doesnt work.

Getting up before Ww is ready for me to has lead to spectacularly stupid fights. I learn things I already knew when she gets angry, like that she doesnt trust me downstairs with my phone away from her at 2:00am.

Whatever, weve had those fights and are working through it. Seems to be getting better. But Im 2 years away from 40 and If I want to go downstairs in the wee hours because I cant sleep after reckoning with my wifes affairs Im going to do it because thats normal and Im ok. To her credit, this morning she was very kind about it all, and yesterday she hurt her hip and really needed the sleep.

Ww is trying hard to be a good and loving partner. And Im trying to accept what is. I can love her, want and keep the relationship and still recognize that I deserve better than I got/get. I can demand that, even if I dont ever get it.

Infidelity specialist keeps asking me if we are in agreement that we "have the whole story". I was answering, "Its as good as we are ever going to get". She keeps asking every session and now I just say, "sure. Yeah."

Im supposed to build an impact statement, that conclusively identifies how this all has affected us. Then Ww is supposed to create a reconciliatory response. Im disinclined to do this. on this subject over a year Ive written shakespeare. Ive written war and peace. Eat shit. Im sure Ill get around to it but how much weight is the betrayed really supposed to hoist? Ww freaking knows and I would like to see her show me that at this point.

I have desired recompense and amends from Ww. But I have lost hope that she will take any initiative. Not knowing what to do isnt an excuse for not trying to seek something to do. Its not an excuse for derailing every kind of recompense I have sought, led her to giving me. And I slowly am feeling the desire for those things slip away. Perhaps the hopeless feeling is getting to me. But maybe its a realization that I have allocated too much importance to her deeds and feelings, which are beyond my power to change.

As realizations dawn on me that our relationship, which I feared turning into something like this at the beginning , is more important to me than it is to her, I find myself wanting to shift my priorities, but being unable. Maybe that is temporary. Maybe I havent honestly tried. Because my heart is in a past that never was. Might never be.

Ive had alot of thoughts about sex and sexual desire, because my libido has gone in the toilet. Over the years Ive lived with my sexual desires involving Ww being mentioned, talked about, shared, roleplayed, resented, and mostly rejected in favor of more standard fare. She never brought hers to me. She reminds me of half hearted attempts to dress up in sexy clothes, times she tried to pull me to bed. Those efforts did not feel especially genuine when they happened. It felt like she was patronizing me somehow. I have a notion that she was more attracted to me being attracted to her than she actually is to me.

Nevertheless, I often did go to bed and have sex with her when she called on me. Sometimes, I didnt respond to her overtures however, and she said, "fuck it, I tried." And more or less permanently gave up. Im not sure what I didnt do to respond in the affirmative to her efforts. I wish I had found the answer.

I spent my youth and later life, always in longterm relationships with unfaithful women. From the outset, they didnt seem like cheaters. They dressed fairly conservatively, were sensitive. All of them except one were thoughtful introverts. My experience of their guilt for cheating was on a spectrum. But none of them seemed to particularly regret anything until there was a cost.

One of my resentments is the feeling of being selected as an anchor for emotional and physical affection while they "played the field". Ww isnt an exception here. She definitely loved us, liked the relationship she was in, but felt like experiencing fun outside of us was worthwhile. She was so open to it that she didnt want to lose either thing. I dont especially believe she felt that much guilt. Just fear.

I believe she had conversations with J about feeling bad about it, but "not enough to stop". And I believe she only shed the extra fun to keep the safety, when she sensed I was becoming aware enough to leave. Im not even sure that actually happened. Its possible that real world social consequences at home, at work, and problems with respect and enjoyment of the affair are what actually killed it. Its also possible that it never completely ended until he took someone else seriously.

All I have to go on is the admission that she had affairs with him and P. The things I saw happen back then in social situations. Fragmented stories of sexual encounters, events with spurious details. Evidence of hiding. Deletion. Electronic remnants, a single emailed memo to self of texts full of too-far words from obviously not-me. One friends admitted knowledge of what happened who has since blocked me for trying to learn, and a google history of obviously bad intentions.

So theres no wonder why I wanted to know more. There was more.

But ya know, fuck it. Ive got to get on with living. So thats what Im doing.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 12:47 PM, Friday, May 23rd]

Sounds like you have exhausted yourself. We are only human, after all.

Infidelity specialist keeps asking me if we are in agreement that we "have the whole story". I was answering, "Its as good as we are ever going to get". She keeps asking every session and now I just say, "sure. Yeah."

I hate this. That they are asking YOU this. How could you know? And that it has driven you to submission. Honestly, I have so much disdain for the counseling field at this point. I’ll just remind you, it’s very possible you don’t have the whole story. I think that’s ok. If you have enough to make progress with, that’s huge. And my stance is that if you find more lies then you should get out because it’s so fucking psychologically abusive to live in that kind of environment.

Im supposed to build an impact statement, that conclusively identifies how this all has affected us. Then Ww is supposed to create a reconciliatory response. Im disinclined to do this. on this subject over a year Ive written shakespeare. Ive written war and peace. Eat shit. Im sure Ill get around to it but how much weight is the betrayed really supposed to hoist? Ww freaking knows and I would like to see her show me that at this point.

Your wife has read THIS! What more impact statement could be authored??? And I’m pretty sure the MC knows that too, right? FFS, just copy/paste some highlights from here, you have more than done your part to express the impact.

Your wife is not showing you want you want, but she is still showing you something. Silence and inaction on these points communicates her inner reality. Maybe you have some thoughts and hopes about her feelings still being loving toward you. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. But her actions show she will not attend to the wounds she willfully inflicted. That either comes from a lack of care or a lack of will. Does it really matter which one? If your agony hasn’t shaken the block free already, it seems like a fleeting hope for it to still be coming.

I have desired recompense and amends from Ww. But I have lost hope that she will take any initiative. Not knowing what to do isnt an excuse for not trying to seek something to do. It’s not an excuse for derailing every kind of recompense I have sought, led her to giving me. And I slowly am feeling the desire for those things slip away. Perhaps the hopeless feeling is getting to me. But maybe it’s a realization that I have allocated too much importance to her deeds and feelings, which are beyond my power to change.

The loss of caring is the path to leaving. You can only express your hurt and needs so many times and have them dismissed. This is how love dies.

The same passages jumped out at me. I'm not sure I read your post correctly, but ...

Infidelity specialist keeps asking me if we are in agreement that we "have the whole story". I was answering, "Its as good as we are ever going to get". She keeps asking every session and now I just say, "sure. Yeah."

I read that as a question that requires a 'yes' or 'no' answer. Your answer seems to be 'no, but you're not saying it. How come?

Do you have enough info to satisfy you? If not, what are you going to do about it?

If lack of info is still bothering you, perhaps lack of info is a deal killer. I know I don't have everything. Thousands of texts were sent and deleted during the A. But I'm comfortable with what I know. What I know is enough for me, and that enabled R to proceed, even though I know my W could have pulled wool over my eyes.

Im supposed to build an impact statement, that conclusively identifies how this all has affected us.

I agree with Ink that you can build the statement from your posts in this thread.

I read 'impact statement' to mean a 'statement that identifies what hurts.' It's diagnostic. IMO, if you get all that into one space/one statement, you'll have a great start for your healing.

I have desired recompense and amends from Ww. But I have lost hope that she will take any initiative. Not knowing what to do isnt an excuse for not trying to seek something to do.

What are your requirements? What will say to you that she has provided recompense and made amends?

No one can read your mind. Besides, if you don't know what you want, you might not realize when you're getting it. And ... inability to decide what your requirements are could be a sign that the A is a deal killer.

You are a young guy. You don’t deserve to live a life filled with unhappiness, contention, less than a (seemingly) committed wife, drama and tension etc.

It just may be that this affair is something that you cannot recover from. If you have tried your best but just cannot be happy (for more than 1 day) it may be time to reconsider your decision to Reconcile.

Don’t settle. Man, that’s all I can tell you.

I can feel the resignation in your last post. Along with some very profound statements. I can see the shift.
Think hard on a separation. I think you just need away from this for awhile. Breathing room would help you.

We might see things differently, and my advice might not be exactly what you need, but I suppose the very purpose of a forum is hearing different views can be helpful.

Logically, it's hard to move forward without knowing all the facts. I'm aware some people don't want the details and that's a fair perspective but one I wouldn't share. One it's clear you don't share. You can't truly forgive what you don't fully know. I'm of the perspective that if you don't know the very worst of her indiscretions you aren't with her. You are merely with the redacted version of herself she portrays. Who would want that? Why does she want that. If she's hiding something that she fears with drive you off, any love you're giving her is a lie. It's a sham.

Living with a nagging feeling that something unforgivable is hidden, especially if you suspect it, isn't a long term tenable situation

I've spoke several times about the dangers of indecision. I fear you are falling into this trap. If you feel in your soul that you aren't getting the full truth, you need to do something.

Demand a polygraph. Make an ultimatum. Leave. Request a hall pass with the caveat she will never get the details or where or when or with whom in in a bid to make her understand the horrors of the unknown. Do something to try and change the situation. The path you're taking doesn't seem to be the way.

Ultimately, if your partner can't be open and honest with you, that's a big problem. Especially given it's importance to you personally. If that doesn't change, you'll need to seriously rethink the relationship.

It's clear to everyone that something needs to change here, don't rule out that being the martial status.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:25 PM, Friday, May 23rd]